15th May 2020 at 8:20 am #103315Anonymous
I am new here and not sure if I even should be posting on this forum as nothing has happened and I have not been abused..
I come from a culture where its encouraged to marry quickly (no dating as such), I met someone and we are gearing towards an engagement. From when I first met him he was very keen to pursue marriage, which was refreshing as I feel like a lot of men I’ve met were not interested in settling down. If I’m honest it felt like a dream come true when I first started talking to him, we have made so many plans and he speaks about all the holidays he will take me on, how he is going to do up his house so it’ll be ready for when I move in etc.
He asked me a couple questions straight off the bat which kind of made me worry a bit. He asked if I’m ‘one of those girls who have a lot of male friends’. I don’t really, so I said I have one male friend. He also asked about how many men I’ve slept with. I told him I am a virgin, but have done other things. He sounded really disappointed and has kind of brought it up once or twice since and said he wishes I didn’t have a boyfriend before. (to note,(detail removed by moderator)- so I feel like it’s a bit odd if I hadn’t had ANY experience!).
He has a problem with me masturbating/ watching p***, so I told him I’ll stop then. I have had one sexual experience with another woman before, which I was honest about. He didn’t like it, and he brought it up in the last couple days.He said ‘maybe I have too high of an expectation of marriage’ so I said what do you expect? He said ‘someone who isn’t into other women, p**n and fantasies.’ This discussion went on for hours, he said he’s been through messing around with s**ts in the past. I just feel like he’s had a healthy amount of experience yet I am ranted at for having fantasies.
Anyway, sorry this is becoming such a long post but I just wanted to get everything out. We were speaking on the phone one night till really late, I was talking and realised I couldn’t hear anything so I said hello?? and guessed the connection had gone. So I hung up, he rang back and asked If I had hung up on him. (detail removed by moderator) I didn’t hear from him for 2 days, I reached out and he got back to me to say he didn’t like that I had lied to him etc. I apologised for the mix up and we moved on from it.
He has touched on topics like, looking at my phone if he wants to, me dressing modestly, me doing all the cooking and cleaning, and he said he wants to keep me separate he doesn’t want me to mix with his friends. He sends me talks on youtube (religious) about the role of a wife.
He makes jokes a lot about ‘I’d beat you up if you did that’, but always says he is only joking. I’ve read a lot about warning signs, so not sure if I am just overthinking. I know this is all so specific, but I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced these sorts of things from someone in the early stages?
Thank you, and sorry again for the lengthy post
15th May 2020 at 8:58 am #103317RubymurrayParticipant
brilliant that you have posted and come to this safe place.
You are NOT Overthinking. x*x
MUCH of what you describe is not healthy and will not turn into a healthy marriage. Please do not move in with this man.
Others will tell you their views and similar lives they have lived too.
His kind of talking and behaving is not right and rings alarm bells instantly.
His gearing up to engagement will most probably be for other reasons, to basically have you home, not mixing with people, his friends or your friends, to have you do much or all of the house work and dress how he wants, to have a LOT of control over you. this is not right.
Please seek any help you can. we are all here listening and hearing you
15th May 2020 at 9:12 am #103322KIP.Participant
Definitely huge red flags here. Start with the book Living with the Dominator and ring the national domestic abuse helpline to talk to someone with experience. He’s already showing extremely controlling behaviour. Men like him look for a relationship where they have the power. The age gap, the Difference life experience, I think he’s looking for a victim and he’s chosen you. With any kind of commitment the abuse will get worse. As he begins to trap you and limit your escape route, isolating you from friends and family. My advice is to run fast and don’t look back x
15th May 2020 at 9:25 am #103323IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there and welcome to the forum. You are in the right place, so well done for recognising that your relationship is not healthy and is heading towards being so toxic. Different cultures do things differently,we all understand and respect that,but abuse is still abuse. If you marry this man you will have worse to come. My oh used everything I told him against me throughout our marriage. He made me feel cheap,worthless,secretive. You have a healthy outlook on sex, he doesn’t. He does not have the right to invade your private property (your phone, doesn’t matter if he says if you’ve nothing to hide why won’t you let me see it) it will progress to other aspects of your life. His expectations of a wife and marriage are antiquated, that type of subservient wife should not exist in the modern world but sadly there are people who think that’s how it should still be. Look up the list of human rights,write them down.see which ones he’s already trying to do away with. He’s coercive anns manipulative, already threatening violence ‘I’d beat you up if you did that’. Not all arranged marriages have to be carried through with. Please,don’t be like me and Marry out of fear of what he’ll say or do. I’ve been with my oh for decades,if I could go back and tell my younger self exactly how this would pan out I’d have taken the heartbreak of breaking up.
Keep posting,learn as much as you can about tbe dynamics of abuse and know that what he is showing you now,is only a small taste of what’s to come. Have you voiced your fears with anyone else, don’t let them coerce you into this marriage. Your gut instinct is trying to protect you,listen to her.
21st May 2020 at 1:16 am #103965CamelParticipant
You have been incredibly honest with this man which makes me think that outside of this relationship you are a strong and confident woman. It also seems to me that there is a clash between you as an individual and you as a member of a particular culture. You talk of the expectation that you should marry quickly and, as such, the only thing that makes this man a prospect is his desire to marry you.
But can I say that he doesn’t want to marry you. He wants to marry the image of what he thinks you should be. He has taken against every aspect of what marks you out as an individual. He’s already exerting control over you (checking your phone, sending you guides on how to ‘be a wife’.) He’s laying down rules but not being open to any you may have. He’s bracketing you as a s**t. He’s playing games, cutting off communication and forcing you to ‘reach out.’
In short, he’s making you jump through a thousand fiery hoops in order to win his approval.
What exactly has he done to win your approval?
Know that what you label as ‘cultural’ pressures are the same for women the world over. We are all taught that marriage is the ultimate goal. Know that many of us lower our standards just to conform. Know too that oppression and control is unbearable, cultural norms or not.
21st May 2020 at 5:14 pm #104021Wants To HelpParticipant
The reason we date people is to find out if we have similar values, similar interests, share the same hopes and dreams etc. We should then use this information to make our judgement about whether this person will be an ideal match for us to progress the relationship.
So far, you and this man don’t seem to have anything in common. He is already judging you for your past and laying down the rules for your future. You don’t seem to be having any say in it!
It’s time to recognise the red flags, bin him off and move on. You should not have to compromise yourself, your values or your beliefs to fit in with someone else. Set your own standards for what you want in your future husband and do not move the goal posts to ‘make do’ with someone.
You are amazing as you are, you are YOU. Find someone who appreciates you for being YOU.
22nd May 2020 at 12:16 pm #104070starqueenParticipant
You are definitely right to see this as a heap of red flags. He sounds like he’s aiming to control your clothing, who you can see, what you have to do in the home (cooking and cleaning etc) and how you express your sexuality. None of this is okay at all and not how a relationship should be. You deserve better than this
24th May 2020 at 11:48 am #104222theocratParticipant
I think you’re a smart woman, by joining this forum you know it’s because something isn’t right.
Don’t move in with this man.
Please try and speak to someone from the helpline.
It’s 2020 and whilst I can be respectful of other cultures I just think this is too far.
28th May 2020 at 11:41 pm #104612survivorabuseParticipant
I wish I had done what you have done when I first got with my abuser. They always start with little things like looking back my husband used to say things like I earn enough for the both of us. On our wedding day my (removed by moderator) heard him say to his friends she’s mine now I got the certificate
Listen to your gut feeling now
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