Effect on children

[seaglass]

Hi, sorry for another post but I wondered if-anyone could point me in the direction of some info on the effect of emotional/ verbal abuse of their mum has on the children? And how that might manifest in behaviour?
I’ve had a lovely few days with my son with close friends out of the home and last night we were back and out of apparently nowhere my son gets very angry and aggressive to me. I am working on my plan but I can’t help but think my partner will be thinking it’s all my fault as the behaviour is all directed towards me.
I just need to understand why in my head then it feels like I can do the next step.
Thank you

[Soulsearcher18]

I don’t know of anything specific but look at info on attachment and also ACE’s (adverse childhood experiences). I’m sure the other women will be able to offer specific titles on this though.

[Balloons]

Hey seaglass, I found the book “when dad hurts mom” by Lundy Bancroft to be quite helpful on this front x*x

[diymum@1]

Hi there I’ve posted some of the info around child contact xx

[seaglass]

Thank you x

[diymum@1]

When the kids watch their dad treat there mum in this way it can go a few ways. They might internalise what they witness so feel it’s they’re fault they will feel torn loyalties wise. Get confused and frustrated. They might withdraw act babyish so regress it’s become panicked incase they are next. Abusing your mum and witnessing this can’t be anything else but damaging xx the worst case senario is they copy his behaviour towards you x this happened to me she took her dads side as she was too scared to do anything else. She learned the tactics he used and saw it advantaged her that is the outcome that is probably the worst of all. I have seen this play out many times on this forum it happens xx Erin pizzey has some good you tube stuff on how domestic abuse is passed down the generations xx kids need good role models to turn out well rounded xx

[seaglass]

Thank you, yes this is the beginning of what i see happening. My beautifully kind and sensitive little boy becoming aggressive and verbally rude to me, only me and generally only when it is me and his dad around. That is what worries me most, I have a feeling he is also looking for approval from his Dad maybe? Until this last week or 2 his Dad would also sit and observe this behaviour in silence and if i suggested he back me up when i was telling our son that it was not ok to hit or shout at me or anyone he would say it was up to me to tell him and that he didn’t do it to him!

[diymum@1]

You need to be very warey as it sounds like deep down he is enjoying u being at the receiving end. Through the kids now that really hurts ! It’s sick isn’t it xx

[Anonymous]

You have to get away from this man, who really isn’t a man but – you can’t allow this anymore. And who knows what he does to your son when you’re not around or don’t see. Hate to say that but being the victim of child abuse for a long time, it’s amazing what the other parent might not know about. Children will oftentimes lash out at the parent who is not abusing because in their mind – you should help me and you’re not. I have seen this sooo much over the course of my lifetime with people. I’m like geeessh, it wasn’t your mother that did the abusing, it was your father and they would just go off on me and say, yeah but she just took it and she didn’t stop it from happening to me either. I had a similar disdain for my stepmother that raised me. Very much so. At any rate, abuse is abuse and we need to do everything as a parent, as a mother to make it stop when it comes to our children. It will absolutely shape their little minds and hearts and may make them into someone entirely different than you would have seen without the abuse. And of course he is going to say it’s all your fault! Noise.. it’s what they all do. Abusers can’t take responsibility for anything so don’t expect it to happen. You also get upset by what someone thinks when you hold them in high esteem or respect them. Since you are leaving him for abuse then why should you hold him in high esteem or respect his opinion of anything? We have to challenge ourselves here and get out of this whole way of thinking. Just pull those thoughts up, put them on the wall and go – what have we here? Pull your little self critic out too, by the hair and hang that one up and after you have quizzed that mouth enough then put a sock in it. All of this nonsense comes straight from your abuser. These thoughts and opinions are usually not yours at all but once you mouth them to yourself then they become “yours”. You start saying things like – I’m stupid, I’m ugly, I’ll never and I always, I will never learn, etc. What you affirm – you become. So right thoughts and right actions become right feelings. One comes from the other one. You just can’t have a divided house inside your own head. Please don’t care what he thinks or anyone else like him, okay?

This is a good resource for you…..https://childprotectionresource.online/

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