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    • #12002
      Confused123
      Participant

      Swear this boy just doesnt give up , its like left one abuser and left with another one, can see how eldest is in wrong, again whilst out has sold my youngest (item removed by moderator)have got police involved, its just so draining , if i say he cant live in house will have social services on my back which will effect my work, son will just probably cause more stress even though not with me , another set of problems, yet if he stays with me still problems, so hard knowing what to do is right,either way i will be left with more problem and stress to deal with , have got two days of working with support agencies who hopefully we support me . Ex is just loving this, again as we dont have enough on our head with stress is leaving verbl abusive messages about how dare i report the eldest to police and again if anythign happens to eldest he will deal with me , another headache of havign to report him , so gald i dont pick his phone up and just ahve these recorded voice mails which i now onlylisten to for 5 seconds then just save as evidence . just needed to get it out , your advice and support is always welcome

    • #12007
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Confused,

      They are trying to get you tangled up in their game.

      You can bet your bottom dollar that your ex is throwing sticks into the fire, saying things to manipulate your eldest, to turn him against you, to goad him to misbehave- then when or if you react, they join forces ‘against’ you and try to make out you’re in the wrong.

      As we know, it’s called gaslighting and triangulation!

      I caught on that this is what my ex was doing, and the best thing I ever did was take a big step aside, out of the game, and became like a grey rock, ignoring and not reacting emotionally and even verbally very often: anything I said or did would be turned against me. At the same time, I used the unemotional voice and face technique if telling my son what the outcome of certain behaviours would be. I said this with an unemotional voice and deadpan expression, like I was talking to a member of the public, but with a bit more authority ( after all, we are their parent: let’s not forget we’re meant to have some authority, even if we don’t want to be controlling like our exes!).

      The ex goes crazy if you don’t react, and goes even madder that you’re not falling out with your son like he intends. And your son is wondering why his mum- who his dad is telling them is crazy, mean, weak etc- isn’t acting like his dad said she would!

      Your son will then begin to have respect for this mum who – although she was mistreated by his dad- has changed, and won’t put up with such rubbish any more, but is always firm but fair!

      We need to reeducate ourselves, our kids and our exes that we’ve grown and become stronger, and don’t wish to entertain such abuse anymore.

      It’s great that you have outside agencies as a back up, but as I have had to, believe that you are strong and can cope with this. In the long run, all will be well X

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