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    • #19720
      Ayanna
      Participant

      That is a very horrible story.
      Again, judges made the wrong decisions.
      How can they fall for manipulations so easily?
      I should know. I have seen it myself in the useless family court.

      http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/06/21/ellie-butler-murder-how-the-full-tragic-story-unfolded/

    • #19728
      Serenity
      Participant

      This situation reminds me of my own.

      Poor little girl.

      See how these abusers fool people?

    • #19733
      Serenity
      Participant

      In the link below, the latest judge gets his character, and it sounds like my ex and so many of our abusers: infantile, wanting to be at the centre of family life like a patriarch…

      Mine resented being left at home to look after the kids while I worked, too. He used this time to be cruel to the kids.

      https://www.google.co.uk/amp/www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/ben-butler-guilty-killer-father-sobs-as-he-is-jailed-for-life-after-murdering-sixyearold-daughter-a3277311.html%3famp?client=safari#

      • #19762

        Whenever I used to go and pick my mum up by ferry or drop her back off, I used to get texts from my husband saying how f.cking stressing it was for him to be with the kids at home, I would get texts of this nature straight away after my departure from home, and I would show them to my mum who used to reply to me ”well now he can see what it’s like to look after x kids!” She was as shocked as me when I read his texts to her.
        He used to constantly say ”i wish my children were older, I wish my children were older” even in front of his parents. It made me feel guilty of having given life to x beautiful healthy children whom he dumped on me most of the time.
        When I decided to ask him to help my eldest child to do her homework, he very quickly got extremely annoyed and pushed the books on the table and shouted to me ”you do it! You do it better than me anyway, I can’t cope!”
        He broke my boy’s finger slamming it in a door because he was getting annoyed upstairs with him and bang my mum and I heard the commotion and the yelling as my boy starting to cry and my mum bandaged his finger, we didn’t know what to do…
        He stormed off in front of my younger daughter because she was talking about his drinking and drunkenness and my mum was there but could not understand as she doesn’t speak English and he literally pushed his chair back, letting it fall with a big bang and went to hide upstairs, vexed to high heavens by my daughter who still remembers this day despite being very young at the time.
        He punched my older son on the arm and a friend witnessed it.
        I used to study at night in college and I always used to wonder why he had a weird look in his eyes as if he had been up to no good and when he listened to me telling him about my study night he glazed over each time. He could not be trusted to make sure the kids’ teeth had been done and they soon developed decays, I asked my kids on different occasions if daddy had washed their teeth and each one would say no…I knew I could not trust him because I asked him if he had and he therefore lied as I asked each child seperately and on different times, they didn’t lie. He did.
        He used to keep my fist child at home when I was on late shifts and I do wonder to this day how he coped with her. I have no idea what went on.
        He used to hold my daughter’s nose closed to force her to eat her dinner when I was pregnant with the second and felt very sick. I could not feed my daughter because I felt like vomitting, but watching him do that made me feel really uncomfortable.
        He raped me 6 weeks after the birth of our second child, while the baby was next to me. He said ”you want another one anyway”

        It all makes me so upset remembering all this and at this point in time I don’t know who this man is any more. With what has happened recently to him and all these memories I have I am wondering who he really is. It makes me really scared for me now. I watched him in hospital and saw something weird in his expressions. If I stay with this man when all our kids have left home, I don’t know what he will do to me. If I fall sick one day and we are alone, how will he treat me, say when I am in my seventies and I suffer serious illness…what will he do?

        I just remember things like his unwillingness or let’s say discomfort at playing with the kids in a playground, going out with them and being a nice playful dad…I just remember not feeling like he was having any fun at all.

    • #19747
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Yep, it is a very horrible story.
      They said on the news that the former judge took early retirement.
      That judge should actually be jailed for professional misconduct.

      It is shocking that academics fall for such a subhuman. I cannot understand this, I just cannot. The only explanation I have for myself is that they support patriarchy and do not care about human lives.

      • #19765

        Ayanna, I experienced this with SS and the chairwoman of the child protection plan meeting who, despite hearing the beginning of my sentence saying ”when I got strangled I became docile…” and she interrupted me saying I was the one stopping the situation going forward and that I always looked back at bad things and I should learn to accept my husband’s apology…I was literally gobsmacked! I have shut down ever since the report was written and I was deemed to be a perpetrator of emotional abuse because we argue my husband and I (which couple doesn’t when there is abuse) and he taped me to show my ”outbursts” to a social worker who judged me from then on…I said to that social worker maybe we should have taped him strangling me and slapping me and masturbating himself in my hand for x years…she turned her nose to the side showing me how disgusting I was to her eyes…
        I knew straight away I was dealing with the wrong person…the agencies are full of inadequate inexperienced and patriarchal and prejudiced unprofessional people well manipulated by charming abusers. It is about time domestic abuse was truly studied and studied in full details…by all these so called professionals.

        That is why I feel so numb at the moment, I shut down because it hurts too much to feel, think, react. I am allowed no voice anyway so why bother.

        I once said to my husband that I would write the story of my life with him and his answer was ”you dare!”

        That says it all!!!!

    • #19766

      The love that Gray had for Butler is a clear indication of full domestic abuse with high emotional bonding with all the brainwashing and codependency clearly in action!!!!!!! But if you have never experienced this, you would not understand it one bit! Take a good look at how many of us ladies want to go back to our perpetrators and still say we love them! We miss them! Trauma bonding and the lot!

      Professional judges??? My rear bum!

      Sorry I am totally fired up tonight…this article describes such a tragedy…

    • #19781
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Every word you say is true, Bridget. I am so sorry you had to suffer so badly. (detail removed by Moderator)
      You need to complain. You cannot allow them to treat you like this.
      I would not stay in that place any minute longer.

      I had the same feeling like you when I was with the ex. I had a feeling of death closing in on me. I had visions that he would kill me if I did become seriously ill.
      And not long he tried to kill me in an outburst of senseless rage over nothing. There were threats in the forefront. I took those threats seriously and was on my guard. I still think I am only alive because I believed his threats and had taken precautions. I was never anywhere without my mobile phone, not even on the toilet.

    • #19786
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Rotten to the core and a master manipulator. I hope he gets his due in jail. They don’t like rapists and people who harm children in there.

    • #19787
      Serenity
      Participant

      Bridget,

      You say you worry what he will do to you after the kids have left home, what he will do if you fall ill…I was quite literally hours from death due to an infection, and if it wasn’t for my sister having a sixth sense and coming to check on me, I’d be dead now. I was told later that I would have died if I hadn’t got to hospital within a few hours. He was just annoyed because I wasn’t up to cooking his dinner. These men don’t have normal reactions. They aren’t able to be good caretakers. This is because quite literally they can ‘take us or leave us’ as with anyone, not just us. They are incapable of feeling genuine concern for anyone. This is something we need to face.

      Protect yourself, now and in the future, Bridget.

      Zari Ballard says ( her books are excellent), our abuser isn’t like this because of who we are : they are like this because of who they are. We must remember this, so as not to feel totally dehumanised. If they had met and married somebody else,they would have behaved the very same, trust me. As we know, all of our abusers behave the same as each other.

      I was also ‘ticked off’ by Cafcass by trying to relate to them the past abusive behaviours of my ex towards the children. I was chastised for ‘looking backwards, instead of forwards’ and any worrying behaviours I tried to describe were dismissed as ‘historical’- even though I tried to point out that he was still exhibiting them.

      The worst thing happened when I went to a hearing about the children. Just before we went in to court, I tried to explain to the Cafcass worker how the week before, my youngest had locked himself in the bathroom and gouged his tooth out with a bread knife upon returning from his dad’s and how my eldest had told me that he had put the rope from the garden swing around his neck around his neck after returning from his dad’s. In the same conversation, my son tearfully told me that his dad had made him watch an upsetting film about death and had told him about a man he knew saying how his daughter had died dousing herself with petrol. My ex is very clever and covert, and to me, this was a clear example of putting the idea of self-harm or suicide into my son’s head, as I believe my ex is that sick.

      Do you know what happened? I was essentially told to shut up, and my concerns were not even mentioned in the hearing. My words were covered up and dismissed, as if they were an an annoyance and were frustrating Cafcass’ remit to prioritise fathers.

    • #19876
      Ayanna
      Participant

      They are awful, Serenity! I did not know that Cafcass is that bad. Good to know. Can you complain?

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