14th September 2021 at 9:56 pm #131471
I know that nobody can make this decision for me but I’d be keen to get your thought provoking questions to help me work this out.
I started EMDR and to my surprise, I found that the memories that are at the root of my PTSD were getting harder and harder to keep hold of.
I’m going to be honest, I didn’t really read the info I was sent so this was a surprise. I didn’t realise that the memories wouid disappear.
We stopped the session early when I told my therapist that I was planning on reporting him to the police at some point so I need to be able to recall the details.
I’ve spoken to an ISVA and talked through the consequences of reporting. Even an anonymous report could affect my ex’s job because it’s a safeguarding issue. It will impact my adult children and one of them could be interviewed as a witness. An anonymous report would not be anonymous because its DV so there can be only one person who could possibly be the victim.
My other son would find out what his Dad did and he does not want to know.
The PTSD is affecting my day to day living so I need to deal with it but it’s hard to let go of the idea of justice even though I know that justice is highly unlikely.
Any thoughts please?
15th September 2021 at 8:33 pm #1315003CatsParticipant
I don’t know whether I have any advice as such but just wanted to show you some support as I am going through a similar process.
I’ll finish my pre-EMDR grounding technique classes very soon, so the therapy itself is just around the corner. My ISVA, similar to yours, explained that the police “can” take a dim view (for want of a better phrase) if you have had EMDR therapy, however she explained that she has had instances where the police have appreciated that we want to try and heal and feel better so as long as you have done your ABE interview (Achieve Best Evidence) before starting EMDR, or having started and are beginning to feel that the memories are slipping away, then that can be enough.
Much like yourself, I feel I want the justice of reporting and following through with the process. My ISVA has also forewarned me that there will be safeguarding issues raised with my ex’s kids (I don’t have kids, with him or anyone else). So many questions are shooting around my head, I’m sure you’ll probably have these too! Do I want to drag this all up when I have had no contact in nearly (detail removed by Moderator) and know that the process may be slow? Will the police/CPS appreciate that I need to start moving forward and need the EMDR? If not, am I supposed to sit in limbo for however long?
I feel I have been no help whatsoever here, so sorry x Just know we are all here to support you whatever you decide to do x x
16th September 2021 at 7:07 am #131514
Thank you so much for your reply. It us really helpful.
How do you achieve best evidence? I can write a statement now to give to the police later if I wanted to go ahead? xx
16th September 2021 at 1:09 pm #1315263CatsParticipant
I’m not totally clued up on all the details but an ABE interview is the formal, very in-depth, interview that you give to the police that I think they use to build a case to present to the CPS. My ISVA has told me that it is done one on one, but with one extra person listening, I think behind a 2-way mirror, and monitoring the recording equipment to make sure there are no issues with it as it can be quite a triggering experience which the police obviously don’t want to put you through more than once. They know all the correct questions to ask and avenues to follow to make sure you have given everything you can. It can take quite a long time to do this interview, but the police shouldn’t pressure you to hurry through it and allow you to go at your own pace, guided by them, that you are comfortable with.
I think, unfortunately, that a written statement isn’t used/wouldn’t be applicable for this stage of reporting. This is one of the most important stages of course too as the CPS will use this to make their decision as to whether they will move forward with trying for a prosecution.
I hope this is helpful for you. It is what is giving me most stress as I know it will be difficult and ideally I want the skills to be able to cope after doing it ie. the EMDR. But, like I said in my message before, the police may prefer no EMDR even after this in case you have to give evidence in court and obviously need to be clear still with what happened. Seems very unfair to me as we obviously just want to feel better and of course a court case could take months to come to fruition, even if the CPS decide it is what they want x x
16th September 2021 at 5:27 pm #131530
Ah yes, I understand now. Thank you.
The memories are already far less raw just with one session.
I’m really not sure what to do.
The ISVA told me that the police would want to interview one of my sons as a witness. Obviously he doesn’t want to do that. There are also the issues around my ex loosing his job (due to safeguarding)so not being able to support my sons financially and my youngest doesn’t know what his Dad did and doesn’t want him to go to jail. If I go to the police, he won’t be able to avoid finding out what his Dad did.
My boys are really important to me. They’ve been through enough and I don’t want them to go through any more. They need to be able to move on from it now. There’s enough damage done.
I think I was hoping for some sort of justice, to show people what he is really like, to prove I was telling the truth but tbh, that may not happen and it’ll just give even more credence to his lies and I do feel lighter already for not having those graphic memories in my head.
I think I know what the right decision is but it’s hard to let go of that last small glimmer of hope at justice.
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