Emotion (or lack of)

[Missssy]

Hi ladies, I hope everyone is ok.
Sorry for the random post, but I spend a lot of time thinking, and when I look back on my physically, emotionally, sexually abusive relationship with my ex, I’ve realised that I never really sar him show any emotion (besides rage..) He would display ‘happiness’ and he would ‘laugh’ at things, but they would easily be replaced by anger at the drop of a hat. He would laugh at violent things on tv and stories he heard too. Even when I was giving birth to our child, there was nothing there except him being squeamish and tired/bored. I have also noticed that in pictures, he has a very vacant look about his eyes. (Friends and family have previously commented he looks ‘dead behind the eyes’ but I never noticed it until recently.) is anyone else familiar with anything like this? Can anyone relate?

[Serenity]

Yes- I can relate to every single word you wrote. It’s like you’re describing my ex!

The dead look in the eyes is well documented in abusers and is truly horrible; makes you shudder. My ex had this look if and when he was opposed by anyone. If you google ‘reptilian stare’ you might recognise it.

They only know anger, jealousy, boredom and irritation. My ex had a warped sense of humour too.

[Missssy]

Thanks for your reply!

I know, it’s bizarre isn’t it? I wonder if it is true of all abusers, or if there is something else on top of that that causes this. I’ve read into sociopathy and things like that but I can never be sure.

Yes! Warped sense of humour indeed. And misplaced morals. Thinking it’s funny for someone to hurt animals or beat a woman who is expecting?! He would sometimes describe what he was going to do to me before carrying it out. And it was usually quite dark stuff.

I have also noticed that In pictures from the start of our relaionship, he doesn’t look quite as….dead as he looks in the pictures towards the end. It sometimes makes me feel like I made him massively miserable, but it could be that he just became
More deranged over time?

Sorry I didn’t mean to make it all about me again I just can’t stop once I get started. I don’t want to post too much on here in case anyone who knows him comes across it :-/ so I should reign it in. X*x

[Dragonfly]

I told him there was nothing in his eyes. They looked kind of vacant. The only time I saw emotion in his eyes was when he was angry. Or when he cried, which he always denied doing lol. He hasn’t cried in 10 yrs apparently. and bizarrely he was a squeamish person too. How odd.

[Nova]

Yep ..relate to this. I saw some snaps of us today…and wanted to cut him out of them! I could see what your saying..fixed rigid expression, forced ‘happy’…meant to be him enjoying himself! Totally false he was always taking snaps of us…bet that was like an alibi, look at us the happy couple…not.

He had a passport photo done recently and OMG when he showed me it, I couldn’t believe the look of him…looked like they captured the real him…really scarey! I could not believe he was going to keep it as it almost looked like his inner self being revealed, ugly. He kept it weird like he was proud of it …abnormal obviously

Cx

[Missssy]

That is definitely odd! Funny how people that can cause suffering in their loved ones and feel no kind of remorse can’t handle seeing things worthy of making them ‘squeamish’. Couldn’t even take care of spiders or insects either.

I never once saw him cry. His eyes only watered when it was windy.

[Missssy]

yes! Cuppa exactly that! I too have a passport picture of him and it literally looks like a mugshot. There is absolutely no expression there at all, and a certain darkness about the eyes.

It’s actually very eerie.

Also the exaggerated expressions – like the eyebrows had to work extra hard to make it look like the eyes were actually doing other than blankly stare??

Gosh almost like we are dealing with a totally different species.

[White Rose]

I hated those empty eyes, the only emotion tbey showed in last few years was anger.
I don’t think mine ever smiled for photos. It annoyed me that apart from a few that happened to catch him unawares every single picture was a mugshot and he looked so evil and so emotionless and deranged in them.
Uuurgh makes me shudder remembering.

[Serenity]

There was a passport photo which he had done which I came across a few months ago amongst my paperwork.

It looked like a mugshot too. He looked like a real criminal: aggressive expression, scowl, greasy hair…horrible. He looked like he was capable of plotting something terrible.

I looked at it and thought: he’s not what you dreamed of- a positive, courageous, principled, kind and protective man. He was none of those things. Looking at it, it hit me how he was in fact the opposite of my ideal.

[Jupiter]

Understand exactly. My ex only seems to be dominated by unresolved rage which appears instantly,his main emotion.He has a daft kind of humour making silly puns then expecting his audience to laugh–in public I used to walk away from him as he was an embarrassment. When he laughed he cackled loudly like a demented hyena! If he sneezed it would be stifled with his hand grasping the bridge of his nose. All very strange.He was a child in the bedroom and an angry monster the rest of the time.I look back and wish I had never met him like most women but then we make mistakes in life hopefully learning from them.I have remained single since because I feel safer and dont have the mental energy to risk another relationship.Thats just me though.
Re his rage: it comes up even when it seems inappropriate with extreme facial gestures like hostile grimaces and clenched jaw. Think I understand this more (detail removed by Moderator) their pent up anger that never goes away.If they went for therapy-and that would be a miracle-it would probably take decades to peel back the layers of rage.
Jupiter

[Missssy]

Gosh Serenity, I admire your ability to look at things through a different lens and be so objective about it. You really are strong. I look at the picture and it’s not that I miss him, but I just feel a bit empty when I see that there’s nothing there. I wonder if it’s due to the fact that being with me made him look/feel like that, or if that’s just what he is.

Jupiter – the immaturity you describe – the cackle, the sneezing! Mine used to clear his nose out in public by shorting it was so embarrassing. He would also screech when we were waiting to cross the road. And yes very childish and demanding in the bedroom. It was all about what he wanted and when. If I said I didn’t like something it would be ‘well you make me want to find someone else to have sex with! Why are you stopping me doing things I like?!’
(detail removed by Moderator) The way he would explode over something TINY and it would turn into him wanting to kill me and my relatives and beat me up.

Disgusting people. I don’t blame you for wanting to be single, but I think that you will meet someone when you’re good and ready there

is

someone out there that will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

[Nova]

…so much about ‘them’ is as you describe..disgusting, though we are allowed to LOL at their expense! Why not! makes me feel better sometimes to see the real him!
I’m in the mood for a giggle!

Oh how I laughed at the sneezing…my ex used to grimace and go into a fit when a loud siren/car or especially a motorbike passed us! he’d say it EVERY time oh I just hate loud noises..err you don’t say…how interesting..not! (said same.. a 1000 times!)

The expressions were alarming, grimacing while drinking a hot drink..the ‘glare’ eyes popping out of his head, the stare (blatant at other women over my shoulder) he reckoned himself a looker
..he had such beady lifeless eyes, void of loving expression…(detail removed by Moderator)

The photos were totally posed hair sun glasses, and deleted if he didnt approve of the ‘look’ SO shallow..he was (detail removed by Moderator), always whingeing, agreed very child like, no maturity in or out of the bedroom

I think he was probably incapable of real deep understanding, sex was just another ‘job’ on his agenda, (detail removed by Moderator) and repressed, couldn’t relax, always tense about something/anything!

He liked the idea of sexual liberation but in reality wasn’t up to the mark at all…always hiding behind someone, usually me and my life and opinions, when it suited.
…he just didn’t’get it’! someone said once he had no soul…he was so offended, they saw the real him.. I thought spot on!

laughs Cx

[fizzylem]

Anyone seen Jaws? Course you have – shark eyes!!! Earilly no emotion. And I sometimes caught him looking like a wild animal fearing survival.

[Jupiter]

So glad Im not the only one re this!

Men make horrible jokes about unattractive women but it works both ways : lets be honest-some men would qualify as “bag jobs”. And this would make a job a lot easier at the end of the day!

Jupiter

[Nova]

…interesting, obviously its a individual experience, and some are shared…not then… but now
I reckon the whole n**********c package has to be looked at.
Basically we are NOT on the same page. They are cherry picking, buying into our emotions…
choosing what to steer + control…away or towards us….

Their life mistakes, insecurities, and wants…are projected onto us.

Devoid of empathy, they groom their prize, keep working on it,their purpose, listening, observing,
wanting. Nothing of their own, just emptiness, no happy or sad, only themselves, the pivotal, the centre.

… this is part of what I know from my ex. Hideous long player, tried to grind me down.
that will NEVER happen.

Cx

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