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    • #119719
      Tinkerbell2020
      Participant

      How do you cope with all the information going around in your head (detail removed by moderator)? I keep writing it all down as I remember but it’s non stop playing over and over in my mind.I look at what I’m writing thinking how was I ever that stupid to allow this and the coping mechanisms I used.Its an emotional rollercoaster and I don’t see this ending anytime soon (detail removed by moderator).Because the man has now implicated me as the abuser I’m also analysing anything I have ever done that could be wrong , obviously he wants that to try to distract me.The man has not been living with us for (detail removed by moderator) and it’s immense, I am living in peace for the first time in (detail removed by moderator) I spend most of my time when I’m home in silence ,no TV no music just silence , because I can now the distruction has gone.I had spent the past (detail removed by moderator) isolating myself to my bedroom to escape the abuse and it’s proving a hard habit to break still If anyone has been through this I would appreciate some advice that has helped them

    • #119746
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s trauma and it’s going to take a long time to re wire your brain and thoughts. Limit yourself to what you have to do. I could only manage 3 things a day. That could be open Mail, take bin out, cook dinner. Take time off work if you have to and talk to your GP. You may have PTSD which is what I had/have. Start building a support network and talking to people who understand. Victim Support. Women’s Aid. Other survivors. I had to wear ear plugs for a while as the noise was too much as my body was on high alert and all my senses heightened. Smell, sound, taste. I needed lights on. Just be kind to yourself. Remember he is a liar and has zero proof. Try jumping straight to facts. The facts and the proof the rest is his delusional nonsense x

    • #119751
      Hetty
      Participant

      I agree with Kip. Set yourself some daily goals no matter how small (shower, cook a meal, tidy up) to keep your mind calm and focused. I did a lot of educating. Every time I feel myself going back into fantasy – maybe he will change etc, I read about domestic abuse, watch something on YouTube. It keeps me grounded in reality.
      I wrote things down too. A list of all the horrible things he’s done to remind me of why I’ve left, then I just wrote and wrote and wrote about my childhood, how I feel about myself etc. It disturbed me, what came out, but I felt better for it. I didn’t re read it. I put it in the bin as suggested by another woman on here. I felt that to re read it would be too traumatic. It felt very cleansing – almost like vomiting after feeling really sick.
      I’m at the point now where I am needing to sort out more practicalities. I do one thing (speak to the bank) then stop, let the pain and distress wash over me, then when I settle after about a week I move on to the next.
      Over Christmas I sat for days staring out the window or pacing the floor. My mind was racing and I couldn’t stop crying. It does pass.
      Try some positive affirmations every day. As Kip says, we need to rewire our brain. Be your own best friend. ❤️

    • #119769
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      It’s totally normal what you are going through. If you are able, try to get your body moving. Even a short walk or meditation. You’ll have obsessive thoughts about him and the situation. If you can interrupt those thoughts, even for a second, try to do that. Eventually, you’ll think about it less but it’s true that it will take a long time.

      Try the Byron Katie website. She has thought exercises that help to stop painful thoughts. Here’s a walking meditation that she taught which I use all the time. “When you are walking, start to look at everything as if you are a visitor to earth and have never seen anything before. Notice how amazing everything is. Then start naming the things you see. Use first generation names like “sky” or “trees” etc…”

      I know it sounds weird but it’s very important to start being intentional with your thoughts. Use anything you can to focus on the present even if only for seconds or minutes.

    • #119771
      Tinkerbell2020
      Participant

      Yes I am doing some productive things daily but some days I have struggled to get out of bed .When he was here I would have a lot of broken sleep and get up early every day to get things done around the home before he got up now I sleep well and have slowed right down.My daughter is concerned I’m getting depression but I feel calm and not living on my nerves as I had done for years.I do gaze and pace the same as you mentioned I just think its reflection time and I feel guilt for my children and myself for not acting sooner too,its like I’m grieving for wasting my life if that makes sense ? I do not love the man ,that stopped many years ago when the hitting started.I trained myself not to cry and show emotion which caused me to be cold.I have cried a lot recently especially if I speak about it all.I am finding doing this much easier and is helping a lot.I just need to gather strength now.

    • #119776
      Hetty
      Participant

      Yes it totally makes sense. I’ve grieved for that too then berated myself for ignoring red flags and now being in this situation years down the line. I’ve had to accept it is what it is, the past is done and I am only ever in control of the here and now. I’ve read a lot and educated myself to build my inner strength. It keeps me grounded in reality. Be proud you got out.
      It sounds like you’re doing really well and have a lot of insight. Perhaps your daughter just isn’t used to this new version of you and is used to seeing you in alert mode.
      Xx

    • #119830
      Tinkerbell2020
      Participant

      Had a much better today ladies ,thank you for the posts it’s really helped me .Such an emotional rollercoaster it’s tough on your own with so many unanswered questions in your head it’s draining.Im telling myself he wants this don’t allow it !!!!

    • #119832
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’m so glad you’re feeling a bit better. It truly is a rollercoaster. Baby steps. Yes try and not allow him to take up head space if you can. I’m better when I’m working because my job is all consuming. I’ve started little upcycling projects etc to keep my mind occupied. Keep posting to let us know how you are xx

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