Emotional abuse

[Dancergirl]

I feel like I am a real fool for not realising sooner that my partner would never change. I’m not sure if he has n**********c disorder or is bipolar, but he can get angry at the slightest thing. The thing is he can be verbally abusive to me and say what he wants. Regardless of how much it upsets me, then go’s no contact. He has done this to me so many times and I am so at the end of my tether, he just doesn’t know when to stop. I thought I loved him, but now he just keeps pushing me away, how can I love a man who is Sir ready to Get pleasure from upsetting me. I have rang Samaritans when it has been at its worst because I didn’t know where to turn. I left my husband of (detail removed by Moderator) years for this man and that has been the biggest mistake of my life. I am so broken and upset by all of this at the moment, he’s not talking to me, I need to be strong and not contact him

[maddog]

Oh, Dancergirl, he’s giving you The Silent Treatment. There’s no need to try and diagnose him. Ultimately he’s a poor damaged little boy who lost his empathy chip when he was growing up. It all happened way before you came along.

I bet at the beginning, he came across as a superman. He probably love bombed you to within an inch of your life and he probably imitated your likes and dislikes and appeared like the perfect partner.

Well done for calling Samaritans. The Domestic Abuse helpline is available all the time, and it’s also worth looking up your local Women’s Aid services. Some police forces have a DA team attached to 101.

It’s a horrible and shocking revelation when we realise the person we’re with isn’t who we thought they were. Most abusers are no more than empty husks. They’re like an invisible person made visible by the character traits and habits of the people around them, most importantly their partner.

You’re absolutely right in not contacting him. If you do, you are unlikely to get any sense out of him and you’ll end up in a bigger muddle.

The Freedom Programme, run by Women’s Aid is really good. Victim Support run a similar programme called Imatter which is also very good. It’s a crushing and heartbreaking situation. We can hold your hand here, and please reach out in real life. There’s lots of help and support available. You’re not alone however devastating lonely it may feel. Baby steps.

[Dancergirl]

Thank you for your kind response. I’ve often thought in the past that I’ve been going mad. I have never met anyone like him before, he is so unkind and admitted his thought process behind going no contact is to punish me for whatever he thinks I’ve done. I am so fed up of walking on eggshells. Can anyone explain to me how he thinks he can say what he wants to me, but if I retaliate and ask him if he meant it, or why he said that, he goes in a mood and it all starts again. He is very selfish to, everything is on his terms down to when we meet and where we go. I have realised this is no kind of life once we were having a drink in a public bar and I was in tears, he apologised to me, but then later in a message, he started on me again, when I said I thought everything was okay now because he apologised, he said he had only apologised to stop me crying in public because I was embarrassing him. There is so much wrong with this relationship, it is so toxic am maintaining my silence and will not contact him this time.

[Lisa]

Hi Dancergirl,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

Some women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), n**********c personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality). While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse. If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers.

Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.

If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive partner. It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour.

If your partner is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they’re hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change. If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.

Even if your partner does have a mental illness, there is never an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

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