Emotional abuse from Iris to doubts

[puzzledatlife]

Iris earlier started a thread on emotional abuse. When I read the thread I could not relate to those things I read. In my relationship there were no derogatory words or check on bank accounts or criticism of my family or threats of suicide if I left. I tried to make a list of the things that hurt me and none seemed to be similar to the experiences you had…I therefore decided to start a new thread and see what you think of this:

– one day out of the blue wrote me an email and said he was not going to come on our holidays together, and was moving out. There were reasons relating to his own kids, and problems they were experiencing, independent of our relationship, but he did not talk to any of us, and just went.
– On the same occasion, he did not speak to my family to apologise, though it was a family hol with my side of the family for a bday of one of my older relatives. They paid for both of us to go and he sent me off alone.
– I asked him to take time before moving out so we could talk with kids and he could find a suitable place for the little girl. He refused.
– said when he finished him to clear up and leave the key in the mail box. He kept the key. I changed the locker and he told me off for that.
– He did not discuss with me where his kid would be taken; though I had taken care of her, I was suddenly denied any say.
– The week before we were discussing our wedding, that had to come in (detail removed by moderator) He told me I was the best thing ever happened to him.
– After he left he texted me that our relationship was abusive, coming home was like coming in a pressure cooker, and if he hadn’t gone that way he’d be crazy. If his girls were in a relationship like ours, he’d break in to rescue them.
– He left important things in my house, and he said that he needed them while I was on my summer break, and asked me to break in through the window. When I said no he accused me of being spiteful and revengeful.
– After that episode I asked him to leave me alone and he kept ringing me because he wanted to enter in my house.
– When I came back from my hol, he appeared unannounced at the door to grab his last stuff. I hoped we could finally talk face to face and asked him to come in for a chat because I could not understand what had happened. He was aggressive, told him I scared him and he would not talk to me as I was abusive and scared him.
– Over the following weeks he seemed more normal and eventually we got back together, but he never told me where he was living and I never felt I was in the position to ask to go and see where he was staying. He said in hotels and temporary accomodations.
– He brought me his girl only (detail removed by moderator), though I missed her enormously and had taken care for her for a long time. Said she did not fancy comimg and he just left it at that.
– announced he wanted to propose again (detail removed by moderator), and take me somewhere special to propose.
– said he could not live without me
– said people do awful things out of despair
– Asked him one night if he could ring me cos girl was with him and I wanted to hear their voices. He did not.
– Disappeared after the above, not answer my messages and calls for several days.
– After 1 week text me to say we are best apart as he cannot give me what I want and deserve.
– Leaves me and my son along in his country away from our family for xmas
– Was due to help me out on a day in which I had medical procedure and didn’t care of that and impact on my son.
– After 1 week text me to say happy new year and hopes me and my child are well.
– Puts all thumbs up to the very few things I have posted on (detail removed by moderator), including pics of my son an my own photos.
– All our relationship up until that point he had never been bad to me in any way. But overwhelmed by his own personal problems: issues with the mothers of his kids (one constantly suicidal, the other was rescued after serious suicide attempt; huge debt; kids out of control; unhealthy pets cos of no money; overwhelming job, lots of commuting, always tired, always under blackmail from his ex. She even suggested that my son may rape his girl). I wonder whether I was a captive of his problems?
Are personal problems a form of emotional blackmail towards the other? Or am I in the wrong forum? Maybe I am the one who has problems of over attachment and don’t want to accept separation? I am still so confused, now it has been one months since he last left and I don’t seem to get better.
Thank you for your constant help. I know it’ll be better one day…

[Ayanna]

He sounds like a psychopath.
He thrives on enormous problems and you got trapped into them.

You need to run from this man should he ever try to approach you again.
He is a walking disaster.

Kids from several women, debts, making empty promises to keep you his willing servant for all his needs like childcare for his kids, maybe financial support, housing, ….

You are much better off without this guy.
Let him suffer on his own. He needs to suffer to feel alive. He is sick like that. I know this type.
Some of them go so far to enter into a competition who suffers more.
They are highly damaging and draining. When they have used you up they dump you.

[Author]

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