Emotional abuse or just bad for each other

[teaandbiscuit24]

I’ve left the relationship and finding it hellish. I don’t love him anymore, I hate him when I see him. But feel broken into a thousand pieces. I don’t know who I am, I wonder if I imagined things, doubt myself. I know it was unhealthy not sure if it was abusive. Counsellor things things were deliberate and that it doesn’t matter anyway as it’s the impact which is important. I think he was ill, I was a doormat and had no boundaries. I had childhood emotional abuse/neglect/ rejection. He had issues too. I feel unable to just accept it’s over and doesn’t need to be someone’s fault. I wanted it to work so badly and feel I could have been more supportive.

My overriding feelings are guilt, responsibility, confusion, self hatred. I self harmed yesterday to escape the intensity and it helped so much. I just feel sad today. I feel like I’m getting worse and going a bit mad.

[Wants To Help]

Hi lostinagoodbook,

I know this feeling that you are going through and you are not going mad. Losing someone from our life that we had some hope and dreams with really hurts.

I believe the answer to your situation lies in dealing with the pain of your childhood. Doing some work on your ‘inner child’ is the way forward for you here so that you can learn to heal.

The way you feel about yourself is all connected to those feelings of rejection and neglect and abuse as a child.

I am going to suggest some things for you to research to help you understand this a little better.

The good thing you have described here is that you are acknowledging the difference between fact and fiction. The facts are:

You don’t love him, you know the relationship is unhealthy (whether abusive or incompatibility, it is not meeting your needs), and you ended it.

The fiction here is that you are now feeling he had abandoned and rejected you, perhaps because he is not contacting you and fighting for you. Perhaps he has accepted and respected your decision to end the relationship, perhaps it’s because he also acknowledges it wasn’t working. I am in the same place as you at the moment. I ended a short relationship with a lovely guy very recently because of incompatibility and how these incompatibilities were making me feel insecure and anxious. He’s also accepted the relationship is over, he’s not contacted me, not fought to keep me, and yes, it hurts, it makes us feel in some way that we are not worthy if someone is happy to walk away from us so easily – but that is fiction. We are worthy, sometimes, some people are just not for us.

My boyfriend also had some issues and I wanted to help him through them. However, he wasn’t bothered about these issues and he wasn’t prepared to tackle them himself. For me to insist on him sorting them out or taking them on for him (under the guise of helping him) was Co-Dependency. Yes, I wanted to help him, and if he’d have asked for my help it would have been given 100%, but he never asked. I started to recognise that I was shifting my boundaries in order for this relationship to continue and in the process it was making me anxious. Mine was not an abusive relationship on this occasion but the feelings it was giving me were the same as I had in my abusive relationship. The reality is that I should have ended it sooner than I did, but I’m only human and the fact that I liked someone very much and was attracted to him started to cloud my judgement.

You have done the right thing by ending your relationship, but now the panic and fear of being alone again is setting in and you are starting to doubt your decision. You are wondering if he wasn’t really that bad, whether you should have given it a bit more time, whether perhaps you could have tolerated stuff a bit more? But the truth in your logical brain is telling you that you don’t love him and you ended this for a reason. This could all be down to your fear of being abandoned and alone again.

What I have learned about over this past few weeks is something called Limerence.
Limerence is when we start to obsess over someone who is not in our life and we start to live in a fantasy world of what they are like. We project our idealistic view of who we want them to be instead of seeing them for who they really are. Have a read or watch some YouTube videos on Limerence.

Also have a read about anxious attachment styles. Again, there are some great videos about this on YouTube. Also watch some videos on Co-Dependency and learn about what this is. When we fear being abandoned or rejected we often choose people who have issues too so that we can help them and be there for them and hope we become indispensable to them so that they won’t leave us. That is not a healthy relationship to have.

Finally, there is a great book called Home Coming by John Bradshaw that is about dealing with our pain from our childhood and dealing with our ‘inner child’. This is something I’m having to face at the moment too, and I had no idea!

Every day we learn something new. I am well over a decade out of my abusive relationship and thought I was well in to Recovery and ready to face a new relationship with a non abusive man. Little did I know that dating an incompatible man would resurrect negative feelings and unhelpful behaviours, and I am finally having to face my hurt inner child and acknowledge some deep pain and abuse from my childhood. Until I work through this I believe it will continue to affect me in future relationships. I am needing to re-think my boundaries. My self esteem is quickly picking back up, and by facing all this I know I am going to be stronger going forward than I was just a few months ago (and I thought I was pretty self assured a few months ago!)

So, yes, I do understand you, I feel your pain and hurt. You are not going mad.

In a nutshell look up

Co-Dependency
Anxious Attachment Styles
Limerence
Inner Child Healing

You will get through this and you will form healthy boundaries 🙂

xx

[Gardenpot]

Hello, I understand how you feel and I am experiencing similar. People assure me to keep walking ahead and believe in myself and it will get easier. I left (detail removed by Moderator) ago and moved my stuff out befriended telling him. (He was away and circumstances just fell in to place re house and timing). We had been together (detail removed by Moderator) years/married (detail removed by Moderator) I don’t know where I got the strength from and only told 2 people who helped me. Blew everyone’s mind the followings days when I had left.
I could not live there any more. No respect, emotional abuse, stonewalling And on and on. I felt completely unloved by him most of the time. Anyway we all know how it feels. So despite all this and having a lovely little rental home I feel broken without him. I’ve tipped my life and financial security upside down and miss him so much. I never missed him when we were together and were away on holidays separately. My mind is telling me I miss something I didn’t have in all honesty. Love, respect, kindness, a cheer leader. All on his terms.
Our house went in the market (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s huge after all this time. The memories made and the kids family home (now (detail removed by Moderator) ). He asked me to consider starting again (detail removed by Moderator) and gave me his commitments that he could promise. Be present, listen, communicate, treat me properly. I would love to be with him with everything fixed but I can’t, and he doesn’t really feel he needs to do any internal work and healing. So stalemate and I am not going back despite my heart breaking for him and feeling guilty. He’s uoset, angry, crying, sad. Love is like a drug isn’t it.
I feel guilty that I’ve caused upset and tipped his world upside down. Truth is I’ve taken away his power and control. He’s still resentful of many financial aspects as he worked so hard for us. So did I but that’s overlooked.
Anyway I guess my point is I didn’t expect to feel the depth of heartache I am experiencing and it’s very very hard. X

[teaandbiscuit24]

Hi

Thankyou. He is desperate to get back together but I can’t- he’d started on the kids And I’m relieved to say now, I wouldn’t want to either, I was convinced I’d have supported him to fix the relationship with the kids. I feel like I gave up on him even though I know I shouldn’t be taking responsibility for someone else. He is switching between super nice with the odd threat and lots of suicide talk.

Finding it hard to move past self hatred and anger- hence the self harm. Should be directing it at him really I’m sure. Very overwhelmed too with various other things. Boundaries is something I don’t have apparently!!! And self-esteem. I have looked at co dependency stuff but how do you know if it’s that or trauma bond?

Thankyou for those links. I’ll have a look. The limerance one is interesting, never done it with him but do over crushes ( basically anyone smiley and kind at the moment!)

[Galabeee]

Hi @lostinagoodbook

Firstly I love your username:) ( could do with being able to get lost in a book right now).

Secondly thank you as I know you’ve replied to my posts and it reads as though things have felt very similar.

I get it, and you are not alone …even though I haven’t left (I want to add “yet” onto that) …. I constantly wind myself in circles …switching between anger, guilt, confusion ….”is it really abuse, should I have helped more ?” Etc…

You aren’t going mad , though I know it can feel that way. These feel very natural ways to be thinking and feeling when the relationship with someone who is meant to ( or we think will) keep us safe and love us in a safe way does the opposite …and switches as you say between ” nice” and not nice.

I just wanted to say I’m listening and you aren’t on your own. I’m glad you have a counsellor too to talk this through with. I’m just about to start some counselling too and I hope it will be helpful with next steps …

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou Galabee. I would probably still be stuck in the relationship like you if something else hadn’t come up that made it impossible to stay. It’s only after 6 weeks of counselling that I’m slowly believing her when she says I would have been doing the right thing by the kids and myself if I’d left much earlier anyway. Though understands why I didn’t and I don’t feel judged. She talks a lot about blame shifting/ gaslighting/ him playing the victim and points out inconsistencies in what he says/ does.

The thing which sticks is even though she thinks it’s deliberate, she repeatedly tells me even if it wasn’t the impact is the same and I shouldn’t be concerned with his intention.

She is amazing, I really hope you find counselling useful. I by accident found someone familiar with the area so I’d highly recommend that.

[Galabeee]

Thank you ..I’m glad you’ve found a counsellor who is experienced in this area and can help with this … I feel like I’m staying at the moment until the “next thing” … And yeah I guess it’s about separating from intention … Like you say the impact is damaging even if the intention isn’t deliberate … ( I always suspect there is at the very least some level of knowing what is being done, in that people don’t act like this in other areas of life ( work,friendships etc.)

[nbumblebee]

Hey sweetie,
I havent left but I do get alot of what you are saying guilt is huge for me its why I stay.
I too have had a rotten past that Ive tried to run and hide away from not dealing with it.
I too self harm as a release as I am so so angry at myself for staying for not seeing accepting I too am full of self hate.
I am trying to work with my counsellor on my past my inner child as wantstohelp has already talked about. For me my counsellor says its hard as im still in a not so nice marriage so its more difficult to work on but im still trying, trying to pick my way through. You most certainly are not mad nor are you alone. Wantstohelp has given you some amazing advice i dont have any im afraid just know you are not alone and there is a way through there really is.
Read, learn and take care of you now because after all you have been through you deserve it.
Take care stay safe xxxxx

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou @nbumblebee. Unfortunately I feel like delving into the past has topped me over the edge a bit- I’m getting worse not better and feel like I’m heading for a nervous breakdown. Everything seems overwhelming, I’ve been doing a day at a time for weeks but other stuff just piles up and I’m so so done. Work is relentless and will expect me to pick up soon but think I’m getting worse.

[minimeerkat]

just wanted you to know that my heart went out to you after reading your posts because of having exactly the same feelings after a (detail removed by Moderator) decade relationship and finding that there are many more posting feeling this exact same way the debilitating pain of having to end the relationship and then on top of that the pain of having to look at your childhood wounds and feeling so isolated whilst going through this hell the forum offers invaluable support and advice (if needed) sometimes just knowing others are going through what you are is enough to make you feel less alone and give you that little bit of strength and encouragement you need x

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou so much @minimeerkat.
When he came to see the kids (detail removed by moderator) he was trying to convince me to get back together again. Saying we were both suffering with our mental health and did I think that had influenced my decision. He’s far more tolerant than (detail removed by moderator), they wouldn’t think anything of what he’s like, I’m too soft with the kids, not supportive just judgemental. Everything he does is for us. If he was a monster then why would he have agreed to move out etc. ( But he thinks it’s temporary and I thought that was why he agreed?)

Now I find myself second guessing if it was me all along as I’m still not right now and shouldn’t I be happy?

He was telling me his family thinks I’ve over reacted to things.He has been fine since the (detail removed by moderator) a few weeks ago. Now being really reasonable, compliments etc. Like a different man.

Though he does get annoyed everytime I mention sorting anything practical like the fact I’ve changed (detail removed by moderator). How just how do you know if it’s them/ you/ both of you? I swing between to thinking I’ve messed it up for nothing as I’m still not happy- to thinking it will be better when things are more settled.

I wish someone could just look and tell me. Because what if my version is misleading/ unfair?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re still trying to alter your behaviour to appease him and not make him angry or upset? I’ve learned that’s a big thing we do when we are being abused. You are not responsible for his reactions, but when we are abused, over time, we come to think that we are.

I can relate to the constant questioning…. “is it me? Am I abusive? Are we just bad for each other? Am I dramatic?”. I think it takes time… if you compare how long you were with him to how long you’ve been separated, it takes time to re-educate ourselves and stop believing the lies.

We all struggle at different times in life and relationships are never always easy, that’s normal. But what is not normal is a pattern of behaviour that is done to control. And it sounds like there are some definite patterns of behaviour that your ex is using…. like threatening suicide, minimising his behaviour.

As for him being nice, I think that’s part of the cycle of abuse too? I read somewhere they are nice to you again because “no one wants to play with a broken toy”.

You have done the right thing to get out of a relationship that is causing so much hurt, and to protect your children. Is there any way you can stop having so much contact with him? Don’t give him the opportunity to talk to you?

[teaandbiscuit24]

There is no one else to supervise contact and I think it’s important for the chn to see him. Plus he’s not doing anything wrong so I’d feel irrational and unreasonable if I said he had to sort something or not see them tbh.

How do you know if the patterns are just their form of denial/ mental health struggle or deliberate to affect you though?

[teaandbiscuit24]

He closes down in any discussion, feels attacked. Just blanks me or if I persist hits or kicks stuff/ hurts himself in front of me. Put his (detail removed by moderator) through a (detail removed by moderator) once after I (detail removed by moderator) because the kids were scared. I should have left it though rather than provoke him. Has thrown soft objects at me if I say/ do something stupid, occasional shoves but says they were jokes. Swears and snaps if he feels criticised in any way.

It’s just the look he gets when he’s getting angry- it’s like a different person and I find it intimidating when he paces and gets agitated. But I think this is all mental health not directed at me? He can be angry when driving and in some other situations though not normally in front of other people. I just find it unsettling.

He’s fine when he’s happy and when the kids are behaving etc.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Lostinagoodbook

A lot of what happens when you are subjected to abuse is losing your instincts/boundaries/self-belief. When you look at what losing those things means to how you start to think and emote you can make a bit more sense of it.

He won’t let you have boundaries (whether you had them before or not)
He won’t let you have an opinion when you try to assert it (whether you had one before or not)

As you can see, the list could get extremely long, and all the other women on here could add to it.

You are not in any way culpable for his abuse, nor can a woman be held accountable for a male pattern abuse on a female, they will abuse regardless of your background.

There is no victim-blaming here, you are not partially responsible for the way he treats you. Its clear that you do have an opinion, and its also clear that he stonewalls you, thats on him.

Its vital that you now stop holding yourself accountable for his crimes against you. You also repeatedly try to stall his acts of violence when they are scaring the children, this is something that a good mother tries hard to do, but can rarely succeed with an abuser, as the total point is for him to scare you all.

He is fully aware of how much he scares you all, its us that hopefully get a growing awareness of this as we start to challenge and process whats been happening.

You are starting that journey, whether you feel like it or not, but you are, and very bravely.

Male pattern abuse on females is not a shared responsibility, no matter how you act, thats on him. Its his choice to manufacture anger to scare his partner and children, you play no part in that.

Its not down to whether one or other of you is ill, mentally or otherwise, or whether you are in a ‘toxic dynamic’, or whether he must be some sort of ‘narc’, none of that applies this is purely about male on female abuse.

You have an amazing counsellor, and they are pointing out boundaries for you. Still with it, but always at your own pace. They seem to understand the abuse very well, and wouldn’t use terms such as narc, volatile relationship, etc, which are all victim-blaming.

The point is that you cannot control a male perpetrator, because he controls you in any way he can, be that with fists, even hitting himself in front of you /children, or through words and any form of physical intimidation.

You are not co-dependent, you do not play a part in his abuse, he’s in control is the whole point.

Maybe turn the tables and look at how you would act in his shoes, would you start throwing (detail removed by moderator) around seeing as you have how terrifying it is for the children and you? Knowing that you were scaring someone, is that you? No, its him, and whether you have the self-belief right now or not, hopefully your counsellor will continue to work with you to help you really understand whats been going on.

You will get to a point where you can express your anger/fear/hatreds/shames, etc, in healthier ways than self-blaming and turning in on yourself, and it will take time, but you have been extremely brave in your honest posts that you have shared here. Please try to take good care of yourself, and get into the habit of looking after you, respecting you and honouring your own instincts and opinions. Your opinions matter to you, even if they don’t to him, and they matter to us too.

Keep posting when you need, and take this at your own pace, baby-steps as they say, you take the control of your life now and start to feel the power that you do hold even if at the moment you only feel it when you perceive threat to your children.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

I think whether they are deliberate or not, mental health or not, directed at you or not about you, whatever reason, it still doesn’t make those patterns ok if it is hurting/scaring you? If you are always walking on eggshells, worried how he will react, that’s not ok. From the behaviour you’ve described and from how it makes you feel (esp like it’s always your fault), I’d say he was abusive and that is a separate thing from his mental health.

I struggle with the “mental health” question a lot too, still not sure what to think. Easier to make sense of it for someone else’s situation! I did a post the other day called “Mental health or abuse – or both?” There are some very helpful replies there that might help you too.

[teaandbiscuit24]

You are right that I don’t trust my own judgement at all. I constantly question myself every time I see him or hear from him. It’s ok if I have distance. And yes we were walking on eggshells though it didn’t become really obvious until after he wasn’t there.

No you’re right I would never continue something which scared the kids. I did end it partly because I felt they were adapting their behaviour in the end.

I just struggle to accept he intentionally treated me badly. If I ever said anything he’d cry and say he didn’t realise he was scaring me/ being rude etc. And there was always a reason- followed by an apology. E.g (detail removed by moderator) and up still feeling in the wrong somehow.

And that he (detail removed by moderator) things because he was so upset by what I’d said/ frustrated not to scare me.

Some friends have said he was always putting me down but they just thought it was our jokey relationship dynamic so didn’t say anything. Though they wouldn’t like it. Thing is I never even noticed.

I know the guilt and self blame isn’t rational really- I hope I can figure it out with the counsellor. I haven’t felt any anger towards him at all bizarrely but if he was with my friend I’d hate him.

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to me xxxx

[Author]

Posts