Emotional abuse/coercive control….over * decades of it!

[countrygirl]

And now I’m broken, I can’t function mentally and I’m grinding to a halt physically too. I’m obviously heading for some kind of breakdown and I’m petrified of how low I’m going to go. I feel emotionally gagged, I want to talk but I can’t get it out in any kind of coherent way (my god what have I come to). I can’t believe how hard it is to write this much let alone any kind of explanation as to what has got me to this point.

So desperate to leave but have nowhere to go, no money and no job (not paid anyway), refuge not for me as I’d have to leave my kids behind as they are ‘older kids’. I am currently at college doing a part-time course but I find it a real struggle (getting ready to go out etc). I have tried so hard over the years to do things to try to open doors to facilitate my exit but I don’t have the energy anymore. I have even tried to just accept my situation but I can’t even do that as it’s turning me into a basket case.

I wonder what I did so bad to deserve this, why did I have to go and choose him.

Sorry for being so negative ladies but I am so tired of it all, (detail removed by Moderator) .

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Countrygirl, you will get the help & advice you need on here. X*X

Do you still live with your partner now? What are the living arrangements, i.e do you jointly own/rent your house?

In the meantime it will probably help you to start reading the posts & see if there is anybody particularly you resonate with. You will then be able to look at all of that persons contributions, you will get guidance and strength from this forum. X*X

It may help you to look on the internet at the Freedom Programme, many of us here are doing it our have done it. X*X

[Healthyarchive]

When I first split from my emotional/sexual/financial abuser i read Invisible Chains by Lisa Aronson Fontes, it was good & cheap to buy from amazon X*X

You might also like 30 Covert Manipluation Tactics in Personal Relationships, again free to read on Amazon

[Anonymous]

Hi countrygirl. You need to stay strong i was in the same position as you!! Dont blame yourself its not you . These abusers make us crazy beleive me when i say that .. do you have any family to turn too ? You are not alone keep talking to us countrygirl . Iam homeless no miney no job but rather be this way i got my life!! Wa are brilliant they will guide you . Also talk to your doctor .. hugs hun xx

[Malaya]

Oh bless your heart, I feel for you, I really do. I know it’s hard but pick up the phone and speak to women’s aid, my worker is so supportive and she can help in all kinds of ways. Tell your GP, mine even wrote a letter as evidence of me being treated for things to do with domestic abuse.

These men don’t change, whether we are extra nice and reasonable, it doesn’t make any difference. You just have to accept you need to leave. I am on medication for depression and anxiety because of my ex. It isn’t right, they just wear you down. Get out as soon as you can. You need to look after yourself xx

[countrygirl]

Thankyou Healthyarchive, I will look at getting those books. I have read some of your posts over the past weeks/months and our experiences are very similar. I have been a member of this forum for some years I’m afraid but have only just til now managed to get re-registered on the new forum. I haven’t posted much in the past as I don’t feel mentally ‘with it ‘ enough to advise others.

Yes I still live with my husband and our kids, I left him once years ago when I was stronger but went back to him as a result of him threatening suicide, stalking me and guilt tripping me over me splitting the family up! I was working back then so financially I was able to cope, but more importantly I was stronger mentally to cope with it all, this time everything is different, he has worn me down to pretty much nothing now. (Let this be a lesson to you ladies who are tempted to go back…PLEASE stay away from them). We jointly own our house (still have a mortgage) but there is no-way he will leave. I told him a few months back just out of the blue (it just popped out of my mouth) that I didn’t want to be with him anymore, my heart was in my mouth, I couldn’t believe I had said it, but he just got up said “oh don’t you” and walked out of the room as though it meant nothing to him. That hurt so much that he could dismiss me like that, my thoughts and feelings mean nothing to him, I mean very very little to him, which kills me inside.

There have been incidences of physical in the past but always just short of making contact with me (punching doors etc right by my face), oh yes he has me right where he wants me.

I feel such a failure, up until a few years ago I had everything going for me, I was going through the recruitment process to a great career (against my husbands wishes) when I witnessed an awful incident (can’t say in detail as it will identify me) the trauma of that along with this marriage has nearly finished me off, now I can’t even get a job to at least contribute to society in some way. A job is my only way out of this hell, should be so easy shouldn’t it but having a job seems an impossible mountain to climb at the moment.

I have done the Freedom Program which was a light bulb moment for me and will be eternally grateful to Women’s Aid for that, it is just this one thing, ‘a job’ that is stopping me. What is so frustrating about it all is that I have had job offers (not great jobs) but I have no confidence, I don’t think I will be reliable enough, it takes all I’ve got just to get out of bed in the morning.

I keep hoping things will change, surely things can’t stay the same forever!

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Countrygirl, many of the women on here have been in an identical situation as you are in now and are either still in it our out and recovering. I think every woman on this forum has varying degrees of mental health difficulty or trauma as a result of our involvement with these men. You will make contact with women on here who can advise you so well how to move forward. Don’t get disheartened if you do not get many replies or people don’t respond straight away. I think with myself at the moment, trying to manage my own issues I have developed an addiction to this forum and am easily on it up to 8 hours every day. Its worse when there has been an incident or trigger involving the ex. My ex was an emotional controller, i got rid of him some months ago but still have psychological ties that I desperately want to cut. Stay posting & reading Countrygirl X*X

[Anonymous]

You can do this you are stronger than you think !! Calm down and try do some planning to break free xx

[countrygirl]

Thankyou all so much for your replies, it means a great deal to me.

I have tried many different anti-depressants but I can’t get on with them, I get side effects that I can’t tolerate, I am on a ‘nine month’ waiting list for talking therapy but to be honest I think I will be way beyond help by the time an appointment comes through, I don’t think there’s alot they can do for me, it’s going to take more than talking to get me out of this mess.

I have family but I only tell them little bits as I don’t want to burden them, especially as they are struggling with this ‘awful incident’ too. Friends fell by the wayside many years ago. As for money, it’s difficult for me to explain really, he doesn’t say that I can’t have any but he monitors what I do spend (followed by silences to express his disapproval). Don’t get me wrong, I am not a big spender in anyway to warrant him being like this to me, infact I am just the opposite, I don’t have a mobile phone anymore (he was always indirectly moaning about the cost of the bills so I gave mine up years ago), I drive an old car as he says we can’t afford to change it (despite him having a nice car which is totally inadequate given the work he does for a living), I have no social life because it costs money and I try to be frugal in every way. To top it all the only income I do have (Child benefit) ends soon, for what it was. So to have/get/keep a job would mean so much to me, on the plus side, I am doing a course which would enable me to work from home, it will never make me rich but it could solve the problem of generating a small income which will at least make me feel like I can do something and then start planning again.

I am sooo tired though, I don’t know how much more I can take, it really feels like I’m going under, it takes everything in me to get through a day, then I wake up to go through it all again. The moods, ignoring me, gritting his teeth, stamping his heels, the toxic atmosphere, walking on eggshells, you all know how it is.

I do keep fighting inside, I keep telling myself not to give in to him. I keep pushing at these closed doors hoping one of them will lead me to freedom, I really am trying all the time.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Countrygirl, you might find it helpful to look through some of Serenity’s post. Your situation reminds me of Sernenity, though Serenity has been out of the relationship for a while. Financial, emotional, mental abuse were all factors that played a part, you should be able to see some similarities and pick up some tips in the process!
Do try to read some of the reading material as it is an eye opening life saver. I created a thread a while back you might find it helpful to look at. In fact, you might like to read through these threads:

1. Can anybody give any examples of gas lighting?
2. Can anybody give any examples of sexual abuse?
3. Plausible Deniablity
4. Silent Treatment
5. Financial abuse
6. Coercive Control

I will see what other threads there are and tell you there names so you can read through the posts. I also have some amazing links, i will need to send these to you in a private message. I will do this. X*X

For my own healing, today I am reading Escape by HG Tudor and I have created a notepad where I am writing down the most relevant things which will help me. One of the things was to IGNORE THEM, this may be easier for me to do than you as I do not live with him. But i am to IGNORE HIS SILENT TREATMENT! This is quite a challenge for me as I care about him and to ignore him in my eyes would be rude and uncaring. But ignore I must do. Although he is ignoring me, its called he is treating me with Narcisstic Indifference but my reaction to that is to feel deep pain and grief. But the advise I have to retrain my brain to other strategies. I’ve got to harden up. This reading will help me. X*X

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