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I’m feeling pretty frozen today after seeing an email from him. He has been sending aggressive emails stating how I’m a malicious person and I’m taking his daughter away from him but this email was different. It was ‘civil’ but twisting everything back on me. I only sent an email arranging a day and time for contact with our daughter. He just ignores any questions I ask and let’s loose on what he wants to say to me. It’s so distressing getting any contact with him and I have blocked him on all but email now. My mum usually checks the emails but I read this one.
He wants to be in touch more to speak about our daughter and know all about her nursery, doctors etc and also wants me to send photos and videos. How do I do this without being in touch with him regularly? Does anyone have any tips?
I just crumble and freeze and feel like I’ll never be able to go no contact fully and get over this. He knows all the right things to say to everyone else and how to manipulate me. I find myself questioning myself after any contact with him.
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It’s up to him to contact the nursery or anyone else involved. Imagine if you asked him to do this? Don’t do anything when your not sure. Let your mum reply to the emails and ask her to only tell you the plan. Try to avoid seeing him a contact centre is a good way to hand over. They safe guard when it comes to DV they don’t force kids to go and if u have an order it’s not broken because you’ve taken the child for contact xx I know this because this happened to me and my daughter refused to go xx the contact was stopped for good xx
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Thanks guys, it seemed extreme before but perhaps this is the best way. He is denying the way he treated me, we have not even had a conversation about it but he is denying any wrong doing what so ever to me. It was subtle so I feel like it will be really hard to prove for a court order, though I guess I have all these emails at least.
She’s only little at the moment and worships her dad, do you think it would still be ok if they are really little? I just don’t want her to be worried if it’s someone she doesn’t know. I need to look into it I have no idea how this works.
The thing is about the nursery, I have recently moved and it’s not far from him but he doesn’t know where I live and he wants to help choose or know where it will be I think!? As I was living at my parents for a while she still goes to nursery there a few days a week and she’s so happy there I haven’t changed it but I know when the time comes he has a legal right to this so I just have to let him know I guess.
Thank you so much for the advice!xx
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Don’t want to alarm you st; but is he gearing up for court? Just with you describing the email, like he’s twisting it and now using resepctful language? Emails can and will form evidence and I would suggest being mindful of this if you’re not already of cousre. Sounds to me like he’s evidence gathering – or trying to.
It feels intimidating because it is, you can read between the lines but someone else can’t. Its kind of telling you, you have to let me know all this stuff I’m her dad with PR isnt it, so you have to communicate with me on these matters; and I’m going to get you jumping through hoops – so dont let him!
As above, always respond yes, in your own time of course, providing there is a real need as well, to show you understand and respect he has PR, or you could face some consequences in court if not, so do this through a third party and ‘adequately’, if he has to request things through a third party he wont be requesting all sorts of riddiculousness. It’s a much smaller kick for him and its gets boring after a bit.
Have you put boundaries on the email so he knows what it is for and when to use it? To stop him firing off emails to me, I told him its not checked that often, so there is never going to be a quick response, if you send something that needs my atention you will need to send me a text to alert me (texts go through a third party). Since Ive done this his abusive mails and the firing off have become significantly less; it really is more just like a message board where I post for him the ‘adequate’ info, no more no less. Still dont like opening it though, still fills me with angst and dread x
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Have you had any legal advice ? If he had your address would he show up at your house xx these men often don’t take responsibility for the way they behave and it’s not good for your child to see especially as she’s developing they learn from them mimic the behaviour xx I know it seems harsh but it’s the only way when your dealing with someone in denial about their poor behaviour or it just dosent stop. You need clear boundaries XX
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Yes he maybe, he has threatened court and solicitors.
I guess I need to be mindful of this. I don’t know if he will ever follow through as I don’t think he has the money/time/patience for it but he is a bit of a bull in a china shop sometimes so he may just want to ‘win’.
I am so scared as I know I would have to confront him about DV if it went to court and it makes me so nervous how he would react.
I don’t think he would show up because he knows that wouldn’t look good but then again I did think I knew him and I just don’t know what he would do or trust him. I want this to be mine and my daughters safe space completely free of him. Legally he doesn’t have to know but he has listed the things he is entitled to so he’s either googled or sought advice.x
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He sounds a bit like my ex; bit of an idiot – good, makes the process of fighting him in court a bit easier should it get to that; sadly it means dealing with his idiocy though as well hey and the mess this creates. We’re not allowed to write the age of our kids on the forum but is your daugher old enough yet to say how she would like her times with dad to be? x
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Sorry, had to cut that short, nip off and back; yes you don’t need to give him your address; brings a lot of peace and the feeling of safety doesn’t it; thing is, no one can function in life unless we feel safe so you hang onto this. He could request the address in court, but you could build a case and reasons for why not if it comes to that hey; and in the meantime, if you can establish a set time for her to see him and manage this all through third parties – if it goes to court, they would see there’s no problem here is there, dads seeing her, mum mindful of his PR and keeping him informed adaquately about health and education matters – so will be fine. Sounds to me like you’ve done briliantly so far, you’re out and the two of you safe. Now you just need to get the contcat time with dad how you and her need it to be – you feeling ok for her to spend time alone with him or are there going to be issues to deal with here? Like going for supervised contact? x
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