Emotional/verbal abuse and mental cruelty

[Juniper]

Hi everyone

I’m new to the board, just looking for some advice or other opinions on my situation.

I have been married for a long time with one child. My husband has always been slightly controlling- he makes important decisions or big purchases without my opinion, or changing the decor around the house without asking for my opinion on it beforehand. I’ve started to challenge him more on why he continues to do this as I don’t feel he values or respects me. All I get back is him insulting me, swearing at me, calling me crazy or hysterical, that I need help with “my issues” (I don’t have any except him!)and that I’m mentally unstable. He usually does this when I challenge him on something. He also once told me during an argument that the only reason we have one child is because he thought I wouldn’t be able to cope with another. We hadn’t even discussed about adding to our family. He has also gaslighted me on several occasions. He accused me of having an affair, which I never have had, and when I tried to defend myself, he said it was a joke and he didnt really mean it. I should not be so sensitive. (detail removed by Moderator) our boiler (detail removed by Moderator), and I had contacts who would have come out and either fixed it temporarily there and then or replaced it. When I suggested this, he was adamant that he didnt want anyone looking at it because a friend of his is a heating engineer and is more knowledgeable. His friend it turned out is not available until (detail removed by Moderator) to have a look at it, and I was forced to go over to a friends house for (detail removed by Moderator) to have a shower. My husband magically temporarily fixed the boiler (detail removed by Moderator). I believe he did this because I had told my parents who were not happy at the situation. The other thing that has happened is that he bought a (detail removed by Moderator) after I asked him not to buy it as we had other things to repair around the house. He did so anyway, hid it in our (detail removed by Moderator) and then told our son not to tell me because I might be angry. It was (detail removed by Moderator) days before I found the (detail removed by Moderator). He also said to our son, that if he told me, he would be very angry at him for doing so. I told my husband that I had mentioned the (detail removed by Moderator) and boiler situations to my parents and his reaction was as expected- he shouted, called me names etc but I felt worried enough when he was glaring menacingly at me to call friends who were going to arrange for me and my son to stay elsewhere that night. I ended up staying as my son did not want to leave. Hes also been doing other things like taking count of when I’ve had a shower, or commenting on my clothes- saying that I dress up to see other people but not him, and has recently opened up post of mine containing confidential info. He said that was an accident and didnt mean to open my post even though obviously my name is right on the front of it.

Some friends who know my situation have said to me that this is emotional/verbal abuse or at the very least mental cruelty. He has never been physical with me, which is why I find this all so confusing. I’ve already taken some steps to protect myself and my son while I try and figure things out, but I would be appreciative of any advice or opinions others have in this area.

[gettingtired]

Hello Juniper, he sounds like a typical abuser, creating all these problems then accusing you of being crazy, hysterical, mentally ill, dramatic etc. It’s the classic tactics they use.
My partner does the same, all the problems that he creates I can’t complain about because if I do he either kicks off with anger or sulks and plays victim.
It’s still abuse even if he hasn’t ever physically assaulted you. He is also manipulating your son by threatening him to not tell you else he’ll be very angry.
Have you googled the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding? Also, have you been able to reach out to women’s aid or the national abuse helpline for advice/support?
There will be other women on here who can give much better advice than I have but just thought I’d pop on and start off by saying this definitely is abuse and his behaviour is disgraceful. You deserve much better x

[Rosea]

It’s abuse I lived it plus physical abuse, u are worth more

[Empoweredhealing]

Control is at the heart of verbal and emotional abuse. Please don’t discount that this is abuse because he’s never been physical. Many emotional abusers never become physically abusive. But all physically abusive relationships starts with emotional abuse.
Patricia Evans books explain this really really well. It’ll help you understand the pathology regarding his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Patricia Evans has written a lot of books and I second her work. ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’ is a game changer.

[Anonymous]

Hi Juniper, you have very good friends who are right on the money. Yes this is emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Abuse is not solely about wife-beating or battering as it was known. This is part of the problem I think, most people think it’s when one intimate partner hits or slaps the other that it becomes officially abusive.

So I think you’ve done a little bit of preliminary reading up as you understand what gaslighting is and you understand he has used it to manipulate you. I think it is one of the cruelest psychological abuse tactics there is and I remember only too well how I felt when it was once used on me. You really do question your own sanity and feel you’re going mad. You’re not mad and yes he is trying to insinuate you are. You have my full empathy.

Regards your son, your partner is triangulating your child into believing Daddy is sane and normal and Mummy is crazy and can’t be trusted. This is absolutely unacceptable. His father has begun to teach his son in the ways of abuse towards females. This is what this is I’m afraid and this is how abuse is perpetuated from one generation to another like hand me downs.

When abusers accuse us of cheating and being interested in other men etc when we are not, it’s likely that the real cheat in the relationship is him. They often project what they are guilty of onto us. It’s another manipulation tactic and they use it to put us off the scent of their adultery. My ex did this to me. Abusers are known to be insanely jealous and insanely unfaithful at the same time.

The running theme in your relationship with him is he is the big man of the house, the controller, the master, he who must be obeyed. And you are the little woman, the servant, the crazy one, she who must be negated.

I could write much, much more about what you’ve said but I think other ladies will come and speak and help.

You’re not mad, he is abusive and you deserve better x

[Hawthorn]

Hi juniper,

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this abuse at his hands. It is nothing short of psychological torture. Well done for reaching out here and it is really positive that you have supportive friends that you can speak to and are so insightful. The abuse creates confusion in our brains and makes it so difficult to see what’s happening to us. If you could reach out to your local womens aid they can explore your experience and your options with you. You deserve support. What he is doing is not OK.

If you haven’t read it I would really recommend Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its available to read for free online- I read it on my phone and it was a big part of what gave me the clarity I needed to leave.

Keep posting here too, big hugs xx

[Juniper]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I havent yet contacted my local women’s aid center but its something that I will consider. I find it really difficult to think or admit that he could be doing this to me as I’ve been with him a long time and it hasn’t always been like how it is currently. But saying that, in hindsight there has been a few things here and there that I let slide as I just thought they were disagreements which could have easily been dealt with and not instances where he was trying to control me. He always says that I am n**********c and that I have a persecution complex and that he’s just trying to help me. I’m starting to think maybe I do have a persecution complex after being criticized so many times for things.

Anyway, I will have a look at all of your suggestions and thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m still working out what to do, but you’ve all been so very helpful. xx

[Hawthorn]

Abusers often tell us most about themselves with what they accuse us of. Its projection. I would imagine that while he has made you think you are the one with the persecution complex, he is the one who will never take the blame or responsibility for any of his actions and is always the victim who you must apologise to. Ditto with the n**********c tendencies.

It’s all very confusing when you are in the midst of it. Try googling the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel. The type of coercive control you describe is very insidious and we become trapped in the fog of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Baby steps, consider keeping a journal of his behaviour so you can begin to notice the pattern. Abusers always start off nice to reel us in but unfortunately the abuse always gets worse.

Take the very best care and keep posting xx

[starqueen]

Just adding here that yes it is abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical for it to be abuse by any means. I’m a survivor of abuse by a family member and he never was physical with me but it was still abuse. I can also recommend Why Does He Do That? reading that book was a total revelation for me.

[Juniper]

So just a bit of an update- I have been in contact with legal to discuss my options before I make a decision. Obviously he does not know this. But hes been acting like everything is okay and being all nice and we can do things as a family. Except he had a go at me the other night for (detail removed by Moderator) and not having consideration for others in the house. It was not late at night anyway. And hes been removing (detail removed by Moderator) that I have chosen or put up and replaced with his. Just very petty things. But this whole thing has made me realise that I want and deserve something better for myself and my son. I have far too much self respect and I wouldn’t let anyone else treat me this way so why do I let him?

And thank you starqueen for your comment. I will take a look at the book recommendation. xx

[Hetty]

You can download that book for free. It’s a total eye opener. You’ll see how these men seek to control and reap the benefits. Take care xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Juniper, welcome to the forum, admitting to ourselves is the hardest thing to do, but posting on here you’re one step closer. I was with my husband for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) decades. He’s ruined my life and my children’s lives(they’re not his) they have relationship issues and substance abuse. A lot of what your husband is doing is projection, when he accuses you he’s actually giving his confession. He may not have done anything, but wants to, so in order for him to go ahead, he has to believe you are as well. These relationships are all about power and control.
Start keeping a journal of his erratic accusatory behaviour. Once you’re out, and you will get away, it just seems impossible in the early days. Once you’re out, you’ll read over them and wonder how you stayed as long.
The terminology is trauma bonded and living in the FOG of abuse, fear, obligation and guilt. I’m finding the obligation part the hardest to distance from, but each day I wake up in my own house is anither day not living with him.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. Keep the lines of communication open with friends and family, even have a safe word that if you call or text them they know to call the police or come round. These men rely on our fear of this becoming public. Coercive behaviour comes with a jail sentence now. And he will be find out one day, mine has recently messed up big style. So much that outsiders see him for what he is. I’m hoping the police will be involved, though I’m already having nightmares about going to court and giving evidence against him, but I think that’s just fear.
Best wishes
IWMB 💞💞

[Newyear2021]

Hi everyone I’m fed up can’t even wear my hair down like I used to incase another male looks at me

[Iwantmeback]

Hi newyear2021, welcome to the forum, it takes a lot of courage to post on here so well done in doing so. There’s no rush to open up, just keep reading others posts and maybe download a few books.we recommend why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. Knowledge is power, and if you haven’t got away from your oh yet you will do, when it’s right for you.
Take care IWMB 💞💞

[Juniper]

Thanks @IWMB for your reply- I’ve been keeping a journal of sorts- mainly just keeping a record of any incidents that happen. I usually do this as soon as I can because my husband twists everything around and then I’m usually so confused about what’s happened that I’m afraid if I dont write it down asap that I’ll forget whats actually happened. My family live in another country but they are aware of what has been happening. I’m fortunate to have some great friends who all I need to do is text them and they will come to my house if I need them. I’m so sorry for your experience too- I cant imagine what going to court would be like. I have an appointment with legal in the next few weeks and at the moment I’m constantly questioning myself whether its something I should be doing. Some days I’m really good at making plans and sorting things out and then other days I want to put my head in the sand and forget that anything has happened. Especially now when he’s being so nice to me. Then I read back all the stuff that I’ve written down about what he has said and done and I just dont know anymore. I’m quite a logical, confident person usually and being this confused has really done a number on me. I know only I can make the decision as to whether I stay or leave, but I wish someone would just tell me what to do.

@newyear2021- welcome to the forum. I’m a new addition to the board too, so cant provide you with any good advice I’m afraid but I can totally relate to your comment. My husband accused me of having an affair (which I haven’t) and has or was at one point keeping track of when I showered, did my hair and how I dressed. I’m sure hes still doing this but he hasnt made any direct comments to me recently. I’ve decided to start doing my hair and wearing it how I like and wearing nice clothes in order to make myself feel better regardless of what he thinks. Each time I do this it makes me feel that I’m getting a bit of myself back. And if it causes an argument I just write it down in my journal. So please keep posting when you can. I’ve found this forum very welcoming and a wealth of information. Take care xx

[Juniper]

Hi everyone

I havent posted in a few weeks so just thought I’d add some new information I’ve found out on my situation.

I went ahead with my meeting with legal and was gathering documents in order to separate from him. He still does not know that I am doing this.

In the meantime I managed to sneak his phone and had a good rummage through his email, messages etc and I’ve found some messages between him and his sister where they have been slagging me off to each other. His sister has said that I’m neglecting our child because I’ve been in bed for a few days (I suffer from migraines), that I’m lazy, dont cook or do things around the house. The stress of this situation has made me have alot of migraines over the last few weeks so I have been spending more time in bed. The sister has also said she thinks I’m depressed. The thing I worry about is that I went to the dr about my migraines he put me on meds that are also used as antidepressants. My husband knows this, and I’ve become paranoid that he will use this against me somehow. His sister also advised him that because I’m from another country that he should make it clear to me that should we separate our child would stay with him as they think I would just leave the country after divorcing. I have never said that I would do this or that I want to go back to my home country. I had the foresight a number of weeks ago to remove birth certificates,marriage certificate and passports from the house as I thought he might take these.

On top of that, I’ve also found out that hes restricted my use of the wifi in the house so i can’t get on to the internet. Hes also restricted some web domains as well. I feel like I’m living in some highly surveillanced house now. I’ve blocked his family members from any of my social media accounts as I’m also sure they are watching those and reporting back to him. A precedent has been set for that as they did that with another family member.

Anyway I just wanted to add the new info to my situation and see what people thought.

xx

[gettingtired]

Hey Juniper,
Well done on continuing to work on your plan of getting out.
I eavesdropped on my partner a while ago complaining about me on the phone to a family member of his. I was shocked hearing him say how I am not nice to him etc. From what I’ve read on the forum it’s what abusers do; start playing victim to others and making you out to be the bad person so that when you do leave, those people will believe him.
It’s good you’ve blocked his family on social media.
Are you able to use data on your phone to get on the internet when he turns it off?
Hope you’re ok x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Juniper,

Thank you for sharing your update with us.

As you have mentioned about internet restrictions, I wanted to share with you about covering your tracks online incase it is of any use to you about online safety.

Cover your tracks online

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Camel]

Hi Juniper

Just came across this thread and hoping everything is OK. It must be frightening to feel isolated and that no one is on your side. The stuff you found on his phone would probably be really useful to you. Your partner obviously doesn’t feel he needs to lock his phone – good news! If you can, take screens shots of conversations, with dates, send them to your own phone, then delete the screen shots from his phone. Or, if you can and it’s easier, take photos of conversations using your own phone camera. Send photo evidence somewhere else to store and delete from your own phone. Don’t forward messages to your own phone as this shows up.

Does all this make me look sneaky? I don’t really care. We have to level the playing field, fight as dirty as they do.

[Juniper]

Hi Everyone

I haven’t posted in awhile, and just thought I’d post an update.

So I filed for divorce back (detail removed by moderator), and we have just exchanged financial disclosure (detail removed by moderator). I’ve found out that he has hidden a rather large sum of money from me. To say I’m angry doesn’t accurately describe it. I’m absolutely raging. Hes hidden this for about (detail removed by moderator). He is also saying (detail removed by moderator). I have asked through my lawyer (detail removed by moderator) as I know he hasn’t spent the money on things he is claiming.

It was one thing knowing that I was being disrespected, the emotional/verbal/mental abuse but knowing this has completely floored me. I’ve basically spent (detail removed by moderator) with someone not knowing them at all. And being lied to consistently. It sucks indeed.

[Medusa]

Hi Juniper (and everyone else)

I am relatively new to the forum and have been reading posts with interest. I recently bought the book ‘living with the dominator’ and read it with interest. It made me feel a bit unsure of my situation though. Just as you have described I have not suffered from physical abuse. The book talks about some very obvious situations if abuse and although I can recognise some of the traits in my husband I don’t see all of it.
Reading your post and all the answers rebuilt my confidence in knowing that I am right, my relationship is not built on trust and equality but on very subtle mental abuse that often leaves me feeling totally confused.

When you mentioned that your husband buys things without discussing it with you that is something that happens all the time here. Lots of stuff for the kids that I may not agree with. The kids are also booked into various activities without discussing it first despite me asking to be involved as I don’t feel that my view matters.

Proper rage is relatively rare but does happen, I have been called some pretty nasty names and when I took the children to (detail removed by moderator) I was shouted at for not engaging in the children anymore (we both work full time and I have said repeatedly (detail removed by moderator). I have been told (detail removed by moderator) that I always prioritize family (they live in a different country!), friends (I rarely go out) and work (I have a demanding job and make more money than my husband).

I confronted him with the more obvious verbal abuse (detail removed by moderator) which first resulted in him saying that if I can’t forgive him I should leave. I didn’t but we started therapy. Since then the tune has changed somewhat but what he doesn’t realise is that he is now trying to control me with guilt and talk about how a divorce would impact the children. I confined in him that I feel depressed and I feel guilt for wanting to leave. (detail removed by moderator) he turned this around and said that he’s very worried about me, spoke to someone about it who advised him that my behavior could be damaging for the children and he should consider moving out with them (!!!). He also suggested that I may be bipolar (detail removed by moderator) the depression. Perhaps I am also teaching our children my language so I can take them and move…. Absolutely mad!

The children…. He has called them names, likes to point out their weaknesses in front of others, always tells them to control their anger/frustration (!). He has forcefully held our (detail removed by moderator) down a few times and told him(detail removed by moderator)

I write this down and I suddenly realise that I am doing the right thing, I am planning my exit. Am in all honesty scared though, scared of his reaction but that makes it even more important to proceed! Xxxx

[Author]

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