Emotionally abused by husband have a [age removed by moderator] yr old…help

[Courage157]

I posted my whole story on here so you can see what has happened to me over the years but it was removed due to too much information and I understand.

In short, I have a narsassistic husband along with his mother and family who have all been controlling and bullying me and my family. I always used to do everything they wanted from seeing them all the time to brushing aside when they pushed to take over my life basically. On the other side however my husband never made any effort with my family, instead has always shown disrespect and rude to them for no reason other than him and his family think they are above everyone and come from money.

I gave up everything in my life and was independent (good job house car), I gave them up to care for my new baby and moved into my husbands home and he agreed he would look after me after my maternity ended.

In short, he controls everything. He has threatened to cut my money and now he has done so to more than half of what he initially gave me. It’s now not even as much as I would get from the govt. We do t have any joint accounts and once I had just under a pound left in my account for 11 days until he transferred my money at the end of the month. He hides everything from me, his parents control him and he is the same. If he (or they) don’t get what they want they try to bully to get what they want. I wish I could tell u in detail my story but it is bad and it is pages long.

Last [detail removed by moderator] was it for me. I woke up and nervously said to my husband that I would go and see my mum for Mother’s Day and come back. He argued with me for 2 hours in front of our baby. He refused to let me go, said Mother’s Day is another day for the govt to get money off us. I was just in this daze trying to dress my baby, acting like it wasn’t happening, then he locked the front door and said I wasn’t going anywhere. I calmly grabed my keys out my bag and re opened it. He then took my baby and kept saying I could go or if I wanted to go but leave baby. (I don’t trust my husband, since I gave birth he made my life s misery and argued and created a scene in the hospital because I wanted my mother there (not delivery room), to be around the hospital-I am an only child and close, I wanted both my husband and mother with me), but since then he argued and then for [detail removed by moderator] weeks when I had my mum look after me after an emergency c section, he made her life hell at home so much so she used to go to her room before he got home). So given how controlling his family were taking over my baby when he was born and my husband being horrible I ended up wanting to protect my baby from people like this. For the past [detail removed by moderator] I have not seen his parents and they haven’t seen the baby. They refused to come to see him twice. So I don’t trust my husband.
After a while he then went upstairs as he knew he could keep me at home and I left.

I was going to go back home but since Mother’s Day I haven’t had the strength and fear he will try to take our baby. I stopped contact with him for [detail removed by moderator] days now and he has been sending threatening texts demanding me to tell him how his son is. He knows I am at my mums, he knows everything is fine but he likes to make out he is concerned. Because I haven’t contacted him he threatens me with outside advice on his rights. Not once has he called my mothers house phone or asked mutual friends if we are OK for example. He has also cut my money further now.

Does anyone know what I need to do with regards to money for my baby and I? Also, I am scared to go back even though I really want to as all of our things are there, none of which can fit in my mums small home. What do I do now? I also reported him to the ‘p’ and they took a statement from me but I have heard nothing back re crime report or no mention of if they will go and speak to him too. They said they would tell me before they do….

[Serenity]

Hi Courage,

I wanted to post my support.

Though I think other ladies here can give you better advice about money, I lived with a bully too, who used money as a weapon. His family were also very controlling.

It is true financial and emotional abuse that you are experiencing.

Have you tried to call the Women’s Aid helpline? They directed me to all kinds of support.

Keep safe at your mum’s. There is a lot of support out there. X*x

[godschild]

I read your original post before it was deleted. I hoped you would post again. Womens aid helpline will give you information and support and advise. A local womens aid may be able to meet up with you face to face and give you the advise ans strength you need in all of this. I was concerned that he and his family may make threats to you if you left and took you son, but you need advise on this as well.
Keep all of the threatning texts as evidence of his behavoir towards you, stay at your Moms for now and get good advise.
New laws were passed this year re control and financial abuse etc. you could have an order against him from making contact with you if he is threatening you and harrasing you, the Police should advise you about this, depends how good your local ones are.

[Starmoon]

Definitely call the help line. They really really help. I left a message and they called back shortly afterwards. They really will help. Also, make an appointment with your local citizens advice, they will be able to tell you what you’re entitled to and how to get it.
Just what ever you do, please do NOT go back. It’s good that you’ve reported him to the police.
I would hope now that you’ve left you will be in a good position. It’s awful that there’s no legal aid anymore. I hope that your safe and being looked after with your mum. I would say Don’t contact him yourself as you’re in danger of being drawn back in. But maybe get someone you know to tell him your son is ok (not because he’s genuinely concerned) so he can’t hold it against you. I really hope more are along soon to offer more advice xx

[Courage157]

Thank you everyone. I just called and left a message for WA to call me back. After ignoring my husbands calls and texts, today’s has been worse. He kept texting threatening to call the police and or lawyer if he didn’t hear from me. Eventually I replied with:

[ copy of message to husband removed by moderator]

 

He just text:

[copy of message from husband removed by moderator]

I think his text is a threat isn’t it? I feel like he never acknowledges my concerns or shows any compassion…

[Serenity]

It is a threat – ‘unless you act quickly and …come home’ and ‘I’m not entering into a dialogue’:

One thing I have realised about abusers- both my ex and in my own family- is that:

1) they aren’t interested in reading your thoughts, or listening: they just want to impose their thoughts on you and for you to act as their puppet

2) they use threat ( I stilling of fear ) to try to get you to do what they want

3) They take no responsibility for anything

I’d you read his reply, you will see a bullying, domineering man who needs someone there to bully. They need someone to vent their anger on or to dominate- they can’t exist alone.

Let him do what he threatens. You will survive. I fear that the control and abuse would worsen if you went back.

[Ayanna]

Oh hun, my heart goes out to you!
The Citizen’s Advice Bureau should be able to tell you how much of weekly allowance you are entitled to depending on his income. Pleas call Rights of Women. They are lawyers and they can advise you how to deal with him.
Use their call back function to get through to them. Also call WA, you need a key worker for support. As you are not working you can have legal aid. Get a good lawyer! x*x

[godschild]

Well done for writing him such truth of what he is doing. He us now threatening you, NEVER go to any joint councelling with him ,it isnt a marriage problem its his ABUSE that is the problem its the worst thing an abused Woman can do, all books and good advisors say do not go joint. He would just make it all worse for you and either lie and cover up or punish you for what you said in the councelling. Point him to perpetraor course, ie phone respect and tell him to find a local one
Stay strong stand by what yo have said.
Keep all evidance of any text, E Mails etc. Keep trying Womens aid, leave your number as you need their help in this.
Let him threaten, you need to show you are a good mother to your Baby.
All they do is threaten when thy don’t get their way, don’t give into him. it may be cramped at your moms but you are safe and got somewhere decent to stay and her support.
Its typical that he wont enter into dialogue with you on your feelings and the TRUTH, mine walks out of the room if I speak the truth to him, saying I don’t have to listen to this.
Keep notes on all of this families behaviour towards you, he will have to go to court to get accesss to see the Baby I believe.
Contact the other organisatons that the other ladies have mentioned , you need all of the support and guidance you can get

[Starmoon]

Just a note to say I read the texts before they were removed and agree with all the other ladies. Seek all the help you can for his abuse. It will all work in your favor. The lady that ran my local freedom program was able to help a lady in a similar situation to you gain full custody x*x

[Courage157]

Thank you. I spoke to womens aid last night. A really kind lady called me back within 30mins of leaving a message. She gave me some really good advice. She told me that I was well within my rights (after telling her everything), to just have no contact with my husband until I recover and get a lawyer quickly. She was really sympathetic and everything I explained, she knew exactly what was going on and why I feel this way. She gave me a good list of people to call.

I know that I will hopefully be given full custody but after speaking to rights of women who are legal solicitors for example and again she was ever so kind and very informative. I just feel that judges do not care or take into account the abuse that’s been happening to me when it comes to visits for my baby. Apparently it has to be serious harm that he would have done to the baby for them to turn around and do for example supervised visits. I mean I think they do this in the beginning but I wanted some reassurance that until my baby is of an age where he can talk and understand, then for the time being supervised access is what I felt comfortable with, given how I don’t trust this man or his n**********c family alone with my baby? I just feel that the law protects us but then somehow brushes it aside because the baby needs both parents equally in their lives. But, what about if the one parent caused so much pain like my husband and hasn’t displayed any sense of responsibility? Is temprental and for someone who shows no kindness or compassion my heart sinks with the feeling that my protection for my baby will be compromised because ‘the law says so’ each situation should I think be judged individually because if I as his mother, his primary carer can see what will happen, why can’t they? And why would they take my baby and place him in a situation like I have been In because they think he is the father and won’t do him damage? Prevention is better than a cure.

Does anyone have any experience in how they went about allowing the dads to see their babies in a similar situation? Whether they had supervised access to start with until the divorce was finalised?

Since my husbands threatening text last **** he hasn’t contacted me and gone quiet because he gave me the ultimatum of listening to him and going back or divorce…where He said he isn’t entering into dialogue because he doesn’t know what to say or how to remedy this situation because he knows he could never stand up to or apart from his family. He was not saying please let’s do counselling like he wants to do it, he’s saying ‘you chose counselling or divorce I don’t care’. I feel like It’s all about saving his ego and making himself feel he tried…

I just feel frustrated and sad but do feel a lot and I mean a lot stronger thanks to all your advice/the lady from WA and rights of women. I am grateful, it’s nice to finally talk about everything xx

[Ayanna]

The family court is awful, Courage157. That’s why you need a good lawyer. You might have to face a fierce battle.
As you are not working you can have legal aid to some extent. Make enquiries how much legal support you can get.
Also, start preparing yourself which arguments to use.
Write everything down. Once the words are written the thoughts and ideas become better.
If you do not mind you could write to your local MP or involve a newspaper.
You will see how bad your husband really is when it comes to the battle in the family court.
Get the divorce papers and make sure you hand in the divorce first for unreasonable behaviour.
If he applies first you will always be the respondent and some judges are awful when the man is first with the divorce.
Pretend that you are still willing to come back but do not, by no means, just use tactics to win time and hand in the divorce before he can do that. x*x

[Starmoon]

It’s a good ploy to have him believe you’re going back, however I wouldn’t directly tell him as such, it’s best to say as little as possible because that will be used against you and twisted too. Definitely get the divorce papers in asap.
I feel your pain in regards to your son. I hope so much that you’re able to stay strong threw all of this. Was he even really interested in your son when you were together, did he do much with him as a hands on dad? For most of these men, it’s not about the love they feel for their child, it’s control over us. Will he even be able to look after your baby alone without you there… He probably won’t want to in reality so because your son is still a baby and needs allot of hands on care, this may work to your advantage anyway. Your husband probably currently believes you WILL be going home- hel have the shock of his life when you prove otherwise xxxx sending lots of love and hugs xxxxx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Just wanted to send u hug of support, sounds like ladies have supported and guided you perfectly, please stay strong and stay with your mum, def do no contact with all of his family and him, u sound stronger then i was to ignore calls, if u find hard to ignore calls block him, this help me loads , was only going to suggest what ladies have already said so wont repeat, post as much as u need to on here ladies on here r superb at advising

[Courage157]

Hey everyone. I want to give you all a hug and countless thank you’s xx I spoke to 2 really good solicitors yesterday. The best one is the one the wonderful lady at rights of women recommended. She was more sympathetic on my situation and understood domestic abuse. The other one was more into ‘money’ she said it could cost me up to £50k to divorce!! I was also told that the little money I made from selling my house would be gone on legal fees and that they would ask him to pay for the fees but if not then a loan. I feel like giving my money to my family who need it now because I don’t see why I should spend the little money I have on my husband? That was my security, my sons security, future for example.

I had no texts for 2 days from him Then suddenly get late night texts asking if there was any news on our son (like he asked about him? He didn’t ask), then I finally plucked up courage to text him back saying our son is ok, (detail removed by moderator)I just thought hang on? He doesnt care about my feelings yet I am being made to feel the bad person by not considering his? But I don’t stay away for fun or to spite him? I stay awAy because I freeze when I am around him and the pressure, threats are too much for me. It just makes me think the police have not taken his statement yet…

It will be (detail removed by moderator) since I left. I wanted to say to him in my text that he knows where we are if he wanted to see his son but I couldn’t bring myself to put myself in a situation with him anymore. He would not have face to see my family anyway. I just feel like he is making such z big deal to make himself look good..

He has never looked after our baby. Since the birth and how he was aggressive to my mother in hospital after I had an emergency c section and just being generally unpleasant in hospital for the days I was there, he also told me after my baby was born that he would get a divorce, give me 1/6 of the house and that he don’t see his son that he can come find him when he is 18 (detail removed by moderator).. That was my first birth experience in hospital. So since then I have not trusted him alone with my baby. I hope the courts have sympathy..

Has anyone had any experience when the left their partners if they allowed access to their children? Or did you wait until the courts decide? 😳

I am trying to write my notes down. I was also told I should go and rent a house instead of staying at my mums because they think the courts would want to see my expenditure? I again thought this odd because why should I leave the safe place of my mothers to rent somewhere until the divorce is finalised? It is like they just want to waste money?

I know I keep saying it but it is nice having the support on here. It’s helping.

[Ayanna]

Do not let him see your child. What does your local WA say? Did you contact them to get a support worker?
When he never had contact with the child and has no relationship with him, you can argue at court that him now seeing the child is void, because he never developed a relationship with him. They argue like this in other European countries and mothers usually get full custody.
Try to get benefits and not to have any income until everything is over. Then he will have to give you more share of the house and you can cut your legal fees.
He also has to give you maintenance and pay child support if you have no income.
Get the divorce papers to him.
Apply for a council flat.
Can your mother go as a witness for the court? The events at birth were terrible. It would be good if your mother could confirm them.

[Courage157]

Hello Ayanna, thank you for all your advice. My mother would 100% stand up in court to give evidence against him. There are many many incidents where he has been horrible to them as well. I didn’t think they would accept my mother as a witness and was hoping that the hospital would have recorded his arguments.

I am not working. I gave up my job 1. After my maternity ended, 2.becsuse he persuaded me that it’s better if I looked after him as my money would equal the same as a nanny so what’s the point. 3. Because of how low upset I felt and I just could not contemplate going back, even though I had the most wonderful boss that tried to get me back…

What is a support worker? WA just said if I ever needed support to give them a call. I did get a call from victim support through the police but the lady on the phone, as lovely as she was just stopped me in my tracks when I explained my situation on the phone, everytime I tried to explain what happened, instead of listening quietly to me she just kept saying ‘yes yes, mmmm’ while I was mid flow and it just put me off. I think they deal with so many calls it just got to her.

I agree. I owe my family some money so will pay them back and give the rest.

WA said I was well within my rights to stay quiet but they never said for how long. The advice from solicitors was not that clear in that they told me to see how comfortable I felt in arranging contact and that he could go and seek action for access. AgIn he text now saying he misses us and that this cannot go on and that he would have to seek legal advice to see my son if I wasn’t coming back home. I am not falling for his rubbish anymore.

[Courage157]

Hi everyone…I am getting worried now as it has been (removed by moderator) since I left and since my husband saw our baby but I just don’t want contact with him. It’s also been a week since I text him back after his text. What do I do? I haven’t secured a solicitor yet and now just want to hide away. It’s like I am frozen is and I don’t want contact with my husband yet all of our things are still in his house. I don’t know when I can go back to get all of our things (I need to hire s can and storage), but I don’t know if he is home and I just feel just really overwhelmed again. After feeling ok and getting back to myself by ignoring him. I got myself back to some kind of normality at my mothers by blocking everything out but now when I start thinking about this all I am lost and feel anxiety as I do t know where to start. This weekend I am 100% sure he stayed at his narsassistic families like he always does and He hasn’t contacted me for now. (removed by moderator) feel like I have run out of time because I know his family will have filled his head and get him to action something now. I’m just thinking so many things again over and over. I know he will use me not texting him for a week against me. I don’t want to be forced to contact him after all the things he has done to me. I don’t see how this is normal

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