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I’m reaching out because I cant escape. I love him. He built me up to need him before releasing the monster. All the nice things he has done for me were all to mask the nastiness to come. Shouting and screaming insults at me when he was angry and passive aggression when he was calmer. Never allowing my opinion without kicking off. I feel scared to speak most of the time. I was weak when we met follow a toxic relationship. He has no self control and I know deep down he knows what hes doing but he would never admit it. I still hurt and feel like I love him cos that’s what his plan was all along. He did it to most of his exes. Hes an alcoholic with health issues and a bad bad temper. I forget who I am because I have to pretend to be someone else just not to anger him. I feel like a princess alot of the time. The beginning was amazing it took a few months before his dark side was visible. As time went on he still did things to make me feel special but it didnt have the same effect on me anymore. I knew at some point he would unleash the monster or in his words me poking the bear, He chipped away at me bit by bit over the years till I felt nothing within the relationship. but he has this way of twisting around anything hes done wrong that I’ve mentioned somehow till I find myself apologising and feeling guilty and confused about why I was annoyed in the first place, almost forgetting the reason altogether. He makes me feel if i didnt agree or be sorry for disagreeing then our relationship was doomed. It’s almost as if he gets a great feeling of power from bullying women. Everytime I try to end things. My heart aches and I cant focus on anything other than him. I got back with him last night so the pain would stop it did.. I have no strength or self respect left.
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Hi LittleFirefly, I am so so sorry you’re going through this. It all sounds very familiar. I know the first thing the ladies on here will say to you is to research trauma bonding as this is what we are exposed to in these abusive relationships. I was for years – actually I still am – the pain was intolerable throughout the relationship, even though a lot of the time he also made me feel like a princess and the most loved woman in the world – but the pain I felt whenever we broke up was immense and I couldn’t take it. I would always seek him out. That was when it was just emotional and mental abuse. Eventually it became physical, it was always going to happen, it’s kind of the natural progression of things. They have to up the ante in order to continue controlling us over the years.
When I first got out the pain was immeasurable. I could hardly function. I loved him so much, I still do. But I promise you this, once you move past the fresh and raw pain of the first few months, your brain starts to put everything into focus. You start to see them for who they are, you start to rationalise what they did to you, and you start to realise how much more you can breathe without that toxic relationship suffocating you. It’s really hard at first, I’m not going to lie, but that is why we are here to support one another.
You are not alone in this, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. This relationship will not bring you happiness. I’m sure on some level you already know this, but breaking free and staying free is the biggest obstacle to overcome. You CAN do it, and life DOES get better. Trust me. I felt much the same as you – no strength, no self respect. Over half a year later I feel so strong, I have so much self respect and I finally know my own worth. Please believe me when I say you are strong and you have worth, and once you’re out you WILL find it again x
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Thank you colouringinfairy. All feel like a failure right now,ashamed of the lack of dignity for myself. It actually feels like I’m losing my mind. I cant physically function through it. Housework stops.. cooking stops.. I dont eat… I cant work.. the children look after themselves…it gets si bad I just go back begging and apologising just so I can function properly and enjoy not feeling so pained. It’s a horrible circle. He gave me an hour long lecture last night on the made up reasons of why I am the one who is destroying us. I just sat cried and agreed until he hugged me and told me I was messed up while kissing my forehead.
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Oh my lovely, I could have written just the exact same words.
I promise you it is not you, it is definitely him. And forget about trying to reason with him; there is no way to reach them and get them to see just what they are doing. They will deflect it straight back on to you until you agree and believe that you’re the one with all the issues.
Yes, you love him but it’s not going to be enough to save you or him. The only way is to gather all your inner strength and leave. Create a support network around you, your GP, WA, family and friends; you will need them. Not only will you have to cope with the trauma bond but you will also need to re-find you BUT you will win! Colouringfairy is proof, so are so many other amazing women on here.
Me – I’m battling through the first stages, some days are good, others it’s all I can do to get my backside out of bed. BUT I will win because I have to.
We are all here for you x*x
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I’ve just arrived home from work and I had full focus while I was there, I have also eaten for the first time in days. It is a welcome relief to be able to function. We dont live together so i dont have to live with it which is nice. But the reason i can function is because i relapsed on the breakup. Breaking up is almost like going cold Turkey. I dont feel proud of myself at all. Especially as I knew I’d be sitting on his sofa last night looking down in shame as he told me awful things about myself. I put myself through that because I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. Sunday I had a breakdown in a carpark in my car on my own screaming for it all to stop begging to god to make it stop. I’ve come off social media because of the humiliation. He told everyone what an awful person I was and people were commenting about me. This is my home town. I have no one. Hes made sure of that. Now ges telling me he loves me. We are forever… I’m his lobster. … no one can love me like he does… I’m so beautiful. Absolute contrast to the evil crazy nasty..needy..jealous mess that he hates and wants nothing more to do with, not so many days a go.
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Welcome to the Forum Littlefirefly,
You will get stronger and be able to go No Contact with him and resist his attempts to Hoover you back into the cycle of abuse if you keep posting a lot and reading the posts along with regular phone calls to Women’s Aid.
Please don’t be hard on yourself for finding urself in a relationship with an abuser. It shows ur the opposite to him kind, loving, caring , etc. The hardest thing in my life was to break free from my abuser husband. I too felt I’d no dignity, felt battered down and weakened. Like u I got down in my knees and begged God to stop the emotional pain; I couldn’t leave him. My prayer was answered a week later when abuser husband sent me a letter looking for a separation. God will answer your prayer. Just take any action u can like reaching out to us daily and Women’s Aid.
Don’t worry if you’re not up to much with the house and the kids; how can you be when ur on the receiving end of his abuse. Just tell the kids you love them and you’re feeling unwell at the moment and you appreciate them being responsible for themselves and you’re doing the best you can at the moment due to feeling unwell. We’re only human. It’s impossible to function when being abused.
It’s great though he doesn’t live with you. It will be easier in many ways to break free. Keep posting and the trauma bind should start to loosen. Knowledge is Power and our experiences will help.
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Thank you for your reply… I know what I want and what life me and my children could have. I’ve been reading about trauma bonding and I was so relieved that I finally felt like it’s a thing and not something I’m falsely creating in my head that I just cried with relief. I joined here today and wish I’d have done it years ago because even after 12 hours I’m starting to plan my escape x*x
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I went to see him (detail removed by moderator).. I tried to put a brave face on and hide from him my worrying feelings but he could sense and see through it. He asked me what was wrong, I kept saying nothing and smiling but he said.. (detail removed by moderator) I thought a (detail removed by moderator) ago you said you needed a break to concentrate on yourself and (detail removed by moderator). Again I hid these thoughts and because he made me feel safe enough to speak I told him. Not what made me feel this way just how i was feeling. Sad lost humiliated drained ( I missed out scared and ashamed that I was weak enough to go crawling) and that I am going to seek councilling. He was very supportive and actually listened for a change (is this part of the cycle?). He said that councilling was a good idea and he wanted to come with me. I said no but he insisted that he to should speak to my councillor to explain what I’m like and get advice on how he can support me. Does he think I was born yesterday. Am I right in thinking this is all fake?
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