Emotions

[True2myself]

Hey everyone, haven’t posted in a wee bit but now feel need to.
So he’s on his best behaviour, not 1 thing happened in (detail removed by Moderator) days. Sees error of his ways apparently. But my problem is I’m breaking down so much. I wake up a sobbing mess. Can’t seem to get myself together. I feel ok just now. It happens randomly. Although he’s been good I still feel nothing and I don’t see that changing, I still have my plan. It’s not even about him anymore, I think it’s all me, my mind won’t shut off. It’s like I think about the abuse for 24/7

Thanks for reading

[Lottieblue]

Hi True2myself,
I’m the same. It consumes me. I particularly have flashbacks to the bad moments sometimes. And flashes forward to what if I never leave? Horror.
Keep posting x

[True2myself]

Aww is hard isn’t it. I see success stories and wonder if I’ll ever post like that. It makes me happy seeing these stories, happy for the ones that post. But kind of envy too but also knowing I’m nowhere close to that. I’ve day that will be us though

[Eggshells]

Hi True2myself.

You’re right, it’s not about him anymore, it is about you and so it should be. The good behaviour won’t last and it sounds like your mental health is really struggling. You need the chance to focus on you to get yourself in a better place. Take care. xx

[True2myself]

Hey yeah it so is and it’s scary did I can “feel” it struggling. Dunno how to describe it. I have good help at woman’s aid, just gonna take time but they brought to light that I’ve actually been abused in childhood so I’m a bit more messed up than before but I can only concentrate on current situation just now. I know my dad is controlling and everything else that he’s done but I never joined the dots until they told me the other day. Somehow i feel confused by that but I’ve pushed it to the side due to current situation. Hate myself

[Eggshells]

Why do you hate yourself?

It’s not unusual for women like us to have been abused by a parent. It makes abuse the norm’ for us. When our partners start to abuse us it leaves us unaware that anything is wrong because it’s all we’ve ever known. That new awareness can be an awful lot to deal with. Take it one step at a time and please don’t be afraid to approach your GP if you need help with your mental health. You must be the top priority for you now. xx

[True2myself]

I hate myself cos I’m still here, I hate myself cos I’ve seemingly accepted what’s happening to me, I hate myself cos I’m a mess and not strong. I hate myself that I still love him. I can’t forgive myself for these reasons. He’s done all things to me but I’m still here 😟. He’s been good since I told someone. Not that simple for me though. His mother told me today I’m not being patient enough for him to “get better”.

I have zero time scale of how long it will take me to heal from this. Why can’t they understand that. I’m not being awkward and trying to make him suffer. I’m past that and now I totally see it needs to be about my mind now.

I think being told what my dad done was abuse is huge for me. It was like all my childhood. I’m trying to block it out just cos I am already struggling and don’t know how to deal with that knowledge now. Like I knew the way he was and still is but kinda thought he’s just (detail removed by Moderator) and when I would talk about things he done with my mum I was told it’s how it was in them days. It’s just too much just now.

I really appreciate your comments, thank you

[True2myself]

My GP gave me anti depressants but I haven’t taken them yet. I’ve tried to get thru it myself but I’m getting closer to giving up on trying that do might take them.

[Beautifulday]

Hi @true2myself
I can completely relate because I feel exactly the same. I did write a long post the other day in “having a bad day” but it never got posted:(, it was so long I couldn’t remember what I had written and didn’t get chance to post again.
One minute I’m feeling confident and the next an absolute mess:( and like you I hate myself for not being strong and getting myself into this situation. I’m sobbing now writing this 🙁 ..i have written a few posts on here but have been quite quiet lately. Trying to get myself together. Like you my husband is on best behaviour because I know he senses a change in me, and this has just thrown me its completely messing with my head. (detail removed by Moderator) he made a comment that was same as calling ne lazy then when I said why are you still with me if you think im lazy ? Why don’t you just let me buy you out of the house his reply was go on then im still waiting for you to do it, then another time when i bring up the subject of selling the house he will say why should i get out its my home, I was upset (detail removed by Moderator) by something he said so came upstairs he then came up a while later hia lovely do you want a cup of tea? It just baffles me!!! I know its the cycle of absuse its just really messing with my head, I feel like im going out of my mind, going crazy. I just want to be free but I can’t bring myself to say im getting a divorce im scared, my mental health is suffering badly at the moment, ive got constant handshakes which i haven’t had for ages, my anxiety has flared up big time , I have been picking and biting my hands so much they are sore and bleeding 🙁 im just not doing good lots of people tell me to leave get on with it but I just cant and I find this answer just makes it worse for me, almost lioe reverse psychology.

[True2myself]

😭I dunno where to start. We sound like we are at the same stage. About the tea thing. My husband hurt me psychically and then I went upstairs and I fell asleep and was woken by a text from him saying he feels good let’s go get a (detail removed by Moderator). I went with him but I was sat in car in total confusion cos he was happy and I was in shock, not understanding what was happening. It’s a total mind game.
I think before this abuse started, I’d prob hear about domestic abuse and totally ashamed of this but I knew it’s a bad thing but I defo never understood it until now. It’s so much more than.. Just leave. It’s a darkness that I never imagined.

When I joined this page I was at mindset a total wreck but wanting to help him and understand him but I see a pattern now. He can’t be saved. As I go thru the stages I feel I’m getting closer but still early days. Only us can decide when time is right. I’m so sorry your going through this. I wish I could take it all away for us. I get confirm knowing I’m not alone but at same time feeling sad that we go through it.

[Eggshells]

Please don’t hate yourself. The feelings that you are dealing with right now are all very common. It sounds as though you could be trauma bonded to him. If you are not sure what trauma bonding is, please google trauma bonding Betterhelp and click on the Betterhelp link. It will help you to understand some of your feelings. You are stronger than you know, it just st takes time to gather yourself and get to a stage where you are ready to leave.

You have an awful lot to deal with atm so go gently, one small step at a time. Perhaps consider taking the tablets as your Dr prescribed. If you can get yourself feeling even a little more settled you will be able to think straighter.

Coming to an acceptance that you want to move on takes a whole separation process to go on in your head and that takes time. This is something that you can control so accept that you will do this, in your own time, when you are ready. Don’t hate yourself for it. xx

[True2myself]

Thank you, I can try. The reason I haven’t taken tablets is cos it’s given to me because of him. Not my own natural mindset. He’s caused this and I thought I’m gonna try get better on my own. Not given to me cos of someone else’s issues. That’s how I felt, Angry about it but I dunno now, think I can’t do it myself anymore. I’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) years of God marriage and a year of bad. Now I’m wondering was the (detail removed by Moderator)yr actually good or was there signs. Ugh my mind is totally gone, I hate that it doesn’t think of normal healthy things, just abuse. I’ve been given a self help thing so I’m gonna do each of the things on the poster. Try anyway. I’m grateful I’m not like him. Grateful I’m a good person and would never do this to someone. Before I was told about my dad I saw things saying if your abused when younger it’s more likely ya will accept it from a partner. Now I’m wondering that too. Sorry for the replies I don’t like to keep going on. I wish there was a quick fix

[Eggshells]

No quick fix unfortunately but slow and steady wins the race; the prize, an abuse free life. Sending hugs. xx

[True2myself]

Yeah very slow. Thanks for your time to reply to me, appreciate it ♥️

[Author]

Posts