Empty feelings

[smithy]

I’ve done it, moved out and feeling good about it. The issue I have is that before my life was filled with tension, abuse and worry and now a lot of that has gone. I have no idea who I am! What I like or don’t like. I have no hobbies, friends are caught up with their families most evenings etc and I have my kids to look after. I feel like all
I do is work and housework. It just feels
Empty. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Just reassurance that this passes and maybe some suggestions of what to do to fill my time. I’ve thought about the gym or going for walks but right now all I want to do is hide out at home.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there Smithy,

Well done! Congratulations on your freedom 🙂

Yup, who are we when all of a sudden every second isn’t filled with worry about them? The good news is that you now have the time to get to know you again. Did you have any hobbies before him? Something you always wanted to do but that he didn’t like the idea of you doing? Now’s the time to try it or revisit it.
I think the gym and going for walks sounds like really good ideas to start with, also because it precisely keeps out from hiding out at home. Being comfortable in your home is of course very important, but you’ve escaped one prison, you don’t want to make your new home another 🙂
Do your kids have any hobbies you could tag along with? Or perhaps it’s time to find your very own hobby? There are so many things out there that it does become overwhelming on what on earth should we try. Just be patient with yourself, and if a thought comes “oh I wonder if I could do XYZ” then go for it. If you are looking for something to do right now, I like crosswords. It keeps my hands busy, I have to concentrate so can’t think too much about him or the abuse, and then I usually have YouTube videos on in the background to listen to. I like listening to videos that attempt to make sense of the abuse, it’s reassuring to me and helps me hold onto the fact that it wasn’t my fault. I was told so very often that I caused it, so I feel I need to hear it a lot to hold onto that. You could also do colouring – and it doesn’t have to be YouTube videos, it could be a new TV series or music you like listening to or nature sounds, it can be anything you want.

[Seeingclearly]

If your life was filled with tension, abuse and worry, you are probably burnt out and exhausted. It’s great that you are feeling good about having made the move (well done), enjoy that feeling. If you are thinking about going to the gym or going for walks, then these activities will probably help – when you are ready. If all you want to do right now is hide out at home, then maybe that is what you should do. Rest, relax, enjoy the peace. Enjoy being in charge of your own life. Take it at your own pace. Don’t put yourself under any pressure. Just be. What you want to do will come to you when the time is right. And, if it doesn’t, there are professionals who can help, and other women who have been in the same situation that you can reach out to via Women’s Aid.

I am recently out of an abusive relationship. At the minute, I find being with people exhausting. I work, but sometimes on days off, I sit in my house with all the curtains closed! Some people might see that as unhealthy (or even a bit weird!), but I am finding it a massive relief. I want to hide and recover. A more extroverted person might find the silence and aloneness draining, but I find it comforting and rejuvenating. We all need to find our own way back to ourselves.

[Tiffany]

When I left I made a conscious decision to say yes to everything anyone invited me to (unless it clashed with other commitments). I got a lot what basically amounted to pity invites in the early days. I took them all up and tried loads of different things. I would highly recommend this as a start point to your new existence. And try out anything you think you might enjoy if it is in budget. That could be anything from as small as trying to cook a new meal that you have wanted to try for a while (I know I got stuck in a rut of cooking what my abuser liked, and loved cooking for my tastes once I left), or doing a bit of colouring with the kids – to taking up a sport or going on a camping holiday. Or even something totally mad, like building a fort in the living room with the kids and then sleeping there.

Any activities that your kids do is a good option too, if they also run classes for adults. My mother still coaches the sport I played at school. She took it up when my younger brother started playing as we were then all going. He left home years ago, and had given up the sport years before that – but she discovered that she enjoyed it and it now the best player in the family. Even though we started as kids and she started in her mid forties!

Don’t worry too much though. We all feel that we have lost our identities when we leave. They return gradually until you firmly feel more yourself than you have been since before you met your abuser. Enjoy it!

[KIP.]

I spent a long time hiding out. Having duvet days. Recuperating. It takes lots of time to re coordinate yourself again. Just start with baby steps. Even if it’s a trip to the park. The world was a big scary place for quite some time but this will pass. So will the exhaustion that comes with the anxiety. Hang in there and be very kind to yourself. Lots of self love x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi smithy

Well done for getting out. It will get better. Give yourself some adjustment time.
I agree with above advices, having been through abuse is exhausting so grant yourself permission to rest as much as needed on the days you feel tired and keep activities for the days you feel like being out and about.

I find your ideas to go to the gym and for walks excellent, do both whenever you feel like it.

It’s summer so there are plenty of options to do outdoor activities to break the daily routine. Instead of having dinner at your house or garden, you can take a pick-nick basket and go to a park with an immense playground for your kids. When the weather is hot take them to the beach or swimming pool, go with a friend so you can even go for a swim yourself whilst she is looking after your little treasures and vice versa. After a day out you’ll all sleep like little angels!
Sleep-overs are great also, you&kids spend the weekend at a friends house, she sends her husband away to his friends to watch horror movies & spare-ribs evening whilst you enjoy a girly weekend together with your friend (or family member).

The most important factor to remember is to listen to your body, when you are tired you treat yourself to a duvet day indeed (or two or three!), order take-away and enjoy a movie.
Make your activities comfortable inside and outside.

My own activities are seasonal; In the winter I go to visit museums and the zoo.
Presently I spend my time at the outdoor swimming pool which I love. Everyone is friendly, it is gorgeous and there is a mini library, I’ve just taken out Sense&Sensibility and three other books I can’t wait to read. And I treat myself to a magnum double raspberry as a reward after my swim ☺️
It isn’t a easy task to go out because I do suffer from depression and anxiety but I am determined to fight it, I do take as much mental preparation as I need to get myself moving. Afterwards I am always very pleased that I went.

Try different things, get inspired, try to remember the hobbies you enjoyed doing before your relationship, usually these passions are still buried somewhere deep inside of you waiting to be rediscovered.

Wishing you a pleasant journey of self-discovery. Take it one step a the time.

[Anonymous]

I changed the house. Redecorated, bought new soft furnishings, rearranged the furniture. The. I started on the garden. Put up a fence and dug and planted a veg patch, laid bricks for a herb bed. Whatever kept me busy. I’ve worked so hard, I’m exhausted, but I’ve achieved a lot and I’m healing.

[Author]

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