End of my tether

[Whattodo2016]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for (removed by moderator), we met online, I found out a year later he was actually with someone his ex when we met and there was a 3 month cross over period which I guess is the time it took him to realise he wanted me, bearing in mind I knew nothing of this. All the signs were there but I gave him chance after chance. He continued to lie to me up to (detail removed by moderator) months into our relationship which I later found out from his ex.
We’ve split up several times over his rages, jealousy etc, latest one being I’ve started a new job and because I got asked to go out along with other colleagues then the person who asked everyone was subjected to racist names, he then fetches my ex into things! We broke up before Xmas and I said that was it but I took him back at Xmas, Everything was going ok until the episode last weekend where he called my work colleague racist names because he asked me and others to go out, he later apologises for his behaviour but gets frustrated because I don’t let things go, so yesterday went through it all again and again the names come!
He wants to get back to normal but I feel so angry inside that he can do this again after everything he promised at Xmas, I feel stupid !
I’ve lost all my friends over the past (detail removed by moderator) years, but I have a few who I know are there if I need them, last week I went to one and he made me apologise for going to her and has told me if I tell anyone about our arguements then we are over!
This is just the tip of the iceberg the most recent thing, others are he has to have sex 2/3 times a week otherwise something is wrong!
I’m waiting for counselling, I did get a session but cancelled but rang up last week to get on the list again after latest episode.
I’m trying educate myself on EA. make myself stronger, in my heart I know il never change him, he hates it that I stand up to him coz his ex never did but I end up backing down just for a peaceful life.
What are you opinions please help what to do next ?
X

[Ayanna]

Hi, thank you for posting. You want to hear opinions. Okay, my opinion is that you should get rid of him fast and never look back. Do not feel guilty, do not blame yourself, just kick him out and cut all contact. Otherwise you will never be happy.
If you think you need a man in your life, there are so many men to choose from. You do not need to stick with someone who is sick in his head.
Good luck! Be strong! x*x

[Whattodo2016]

I’ve got out before and I just go back and regret it so I’m trying to do it different this time so when it happens again I never go back. He can be so nice and does everything for me to be so horrible when we argue cos I stand up to him.
When he was calling my work colleague racist names he said I made him do that and it’s not racist.
He hates when I go out after a row is that because he doesn’t want anyone to know ?
He’s said vulgar things to me b4, I got on well with my ex up until I took him back this time, my partner loves it that we don’t speak now, my ex gave my some money towards getting my car fixed last year and put (detail removed by moderator) in my house my partner threatens me that he’s going contact my exs girlfriend and tell her but she already knows. He doesn’t get on with his ex so he thinks I shouldn’t get on with mine but we have a child together so surely it’s better if we get on?
Why can’t I forget things that happen and end up feeling so bitter and thinking this is so wrong ? I’ve been in physical abusive relationship b4 and got out but EA draining, I find it much harder this time. He doesn’t come from round me his family and friends live (detail removed by moderator) hours away.
Omg I feel I’m dying inside X

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

U on the right site u will get loads of support, u right when they drain u out u cant even think straight, u do need to get away from this guy, best advice i think i can give u is call womensaid and ask for guidance,sometimes when we have just told someone and they recap they give us strength to take the next step

[Whattodo2016]

Thanks
I’m booked in to see WA next week whilst I wait for my counselling so I’m doing what I think will make me stronger to do it when the time comes. When I read things it makes me feel what I’m gong through is not EA but then something happens and I realise there are aspects of EA in my relationship.
I want to live a life that is free from restrictions, I feel I change a lot of my behaviour so not to cause a row, like il give in about sex because he’ll say he needs it twice a week and can’t be in a relationship where that doesn’t happen, il not go out when asked as it’ll cause a row, il not speak to my ex when he drops my daughter off because it’ll cause a row, I’ve not been visit my other daughter who lived abroad alone because it’ll cause problems and he’ll question why I want go alone, things like that. Is this control?
Xx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

It is control and again to isolate us , putting conditions on us yet They free to do whatever they want, shocking how they actually take over our thinking without us even realizing, my ex used to say need sex twice day and its better to do with a prostitute then with me , they put u down but still take off u too, disgusting , i in the end used to say good go and have sex with prostitute then, not that he did, he was busy havingtoo much fun putting me down,making my life hell then still getting the sex, carry on reading up about abuse, u prob r experiencing more but could be in denial, i totally switch off mentally to cope and didnt recognise it as abuse, yet my abuse was horrific , dont doubt yourself , please make sure u go to this appointment next week

[Whattodo2016]

I will do thank you.
Like I said this is just tip of iceberg. He’s horrendously jealous has accused me of all sorts to point where I Darnt look anywhere. He’s said horrible things about my son who died, this was years ago but he argued with me I have less children than what I have as he said I can’t include child that died aged (age removed by Moderator) years, but then he’ll argue that he didn’t mean it and he’s sick sense of humour but he’s nice person.
Last night he wouldn’t take my daughter to her friends as he said he’s not enough petrol for week if he starts taking her here and there, so she had wait until I got home b4 she could go out, just silly stuff this but really grips me xx

[Confused123]

Hun

His verbally abusing u so it sets u off emotionally, my ex used to say i was just someone damaged that had been raped, our look of hurt is enough for them to get the sick result they wanted, he has no right to bring your child up that died, cause thats going to hurt u, u dont joke about things like that, keepposting his obviously enjoying winding u up

[Sparkle1]

My ex sounds the same as yours, when we met his children’s mum was causing a lot of issues and he used to say she wasn’t over him but that they had broken up years ago, I later found out he was sleeping with her on a regular basis so no wonder she had a problem! He was controlling and manipulative always questioning and accusing me of completely off the wall things that had never happened, I couldn’t go for nights out just used to make excuses to my friends because he would sulk and make life difficult, he tried to control how I dressed, I felt on edge and anxious all the time and had to always think about everything I was saying as he took everything the wrong way, he demanded sex every day or would accuse me of rejecting him not loving him so I used to just lay there and let him do it. I married him because he said that was the commitment he needed I got pregnant because he was obsessed with us having a baby it was twins which I ended up miscarrying so he then put the scan pictures all over the house every room I went in and constantly badgered me to get pregnant again which thank god I didn’t ! In the end you completely loose yourself and become someone no one recognises, isolation is also part of it there is nothing healthy about a relationship with these abusive men, they never change abuse is abuse however it is served.

This forum has really helped me I hope you get the support you need x*x

[missgiddypants]

hugs to you Sparkle hope your,re ok ,ye It’s funny how men demand sex saying we not love them ,I got you not love me you not want me ,so then if I said are we going to have sex then ,he would say not if your just going to lie there ,he was obsessed about sex wanting different things in the bedroom all the time and I have no idea where it came from as he was a Vir*** when we met x

[Sparkle1]

Thanks missgiddypants 🙂 my ex used to always say we need to up the excitement suggesting more and more weird things in the bedroom! Im so relieved to not have him in my house now and be able to go to bed without the constant worry of what was coming xx

[Whattodo2016]

Thanks for your reply. Went to the docs yesterday as I’ve been physically exhausted this past few weeks to point where my eyes water, I think it’s cause I’m drained by it all, other day he said I should still be able have sex even if I’m tired as it’s been a few weeks, he even was doing an online diagnosis for me as he said something is wrong with me to be always tired and not want sex. When I say no he just goes cold and moody, he’ll ask hours before we go bed if we’re having it, such a turn off, feel like a sex object. Doc said he sounds like a caveman and that I’m right to be getting counselling, I’m on the list waiting but going to a drop in next week at WA.
Why is it so hard to just say go?

[Sparkle1]

That’s exactly how I felt everyone used to notice my eyes how drained and tired I always looked they felt bloodshot and its definitely the stress your living under because once I found the strength to get him out for good the first thing people noticed was my eyes were sparkling again I looked alive ! I know its not an easy decision but its the best decision I ever made because it never changes a relationship should better you not make you ill, thinking of you hope your ok x*x

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