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I have ended a toxic relationship and luckily we didn’t live together and it has been on and off for (number removed by Moderator) years. Received a message saying he will be collecting his belongings and I have to hand them back not my daughter. He has no belongings at my house, absolutely nothing. I feel guilty for ending the relationship but knew I had to do it but now feel so anxious about him turning up at my home. I feel like a coward I just don’t want to face him because when I have before he assumes we are back together
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Please don’t let yourself be in a vulnerable position with him by meeting up to give him back his non-existent things. Don’t want to sound like a drama queen but it is a dangerous time (70% of women killed by abusive partners is after the relationship has ended). Just don’t risk it, what’s to be gained. If you really must meet him do it in a really public place and try and go with a friend.
You don’t have to face him, why do you feel that you ‘should’ ? If you feel like you have to tell him face to face do it in a public place or somewhere safe. But I really don’t think you have to.
Well done! by the way for ending an abusive relationship. I send you hugs.-
Thank you so much for replying. You’re absolutely right, I don’t want to see him and I won’t see him. Last time I ended it he bombarded me with messages, some abusive some saying he doesn’t want to live anymore. Left gifts outside my house over and over until I agreed to see him. Today I feel strong and it feels so good to be free from the constant calls, FaceTime calls, messages …… I feel calm and in control and this forum has helped so much. Thanks again for taking the time to support me xx
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I have noticed that this is the most universal common theme among abusive partners, is the big performance that’s given to get us back. I have a feeling that it causes us a lot of mental anguish and confusion.
Someone who has been being really nasty and critical and unpleasant for a long time suddenly turns around as if nothing has happened and begs us not to leave.
I wonder whether there’s something about this behaviour that just instantly minimizes all that’s gone before? And makes the victim feel like they just imagined it all.
Having been through it myself I should understand it, but I don’t really. It seems almost like giving up smoking or some other addiction. On the day all you want is a cigarette but you just have to try and rely on the ‘sensible’ part of your brain which decided you should give up yesterday! You can’t for the life of you remember why you wanted to give up and you now think it’s a crazy idea.
But you do want to give up, and it was the sane, rational and healthy part of you that decided that you wanted to give up.
The sheer persistence of abusers is horrific too isn’t it. The exhaustion that comes from having to deal with it.
Good luck with it. Maybe you will have some weeks of this kind of attention to get through! Xx
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