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So I joined this forum about a year ago, I haven’t posted much since and have rarely looked at it, I think I’ve been burying my head because I know I should have reached this point much much sooner! But I have reached that point and my ducks are in a row and next week I have plans to leave. I don’t want to say too much but I reached out to a friend, I told them everything which wasn’t easy but it has made it easier, she is going to help me with getting out and moving on. Something she said was really helpful, while I’m sat worrying about all the things I’ll be leaving and the absolute nightmare in will, talking myself out of it yet again because somehow it seems easier if I just ride it out and hope he leaves, but she said “just get here and we’ll deal with everything else together“. She’s right, I need to get out get the children out and then worry about it all. I suppose I had a bit of a light bulb moment when he was violent, he has been in the past but not for a few years now, he’s threatened it a lot, threatened to kill me even (and I’m still here!!) This time he got so angry he followed through and I have physical marks, quite a lot of bruising and I just looked at it and thought what’s next? What if he completely looses it next time, what if he does kill me? It’s not that far fetched and that’s the scary thing. Its not going to get better, he’s not going to change, I’m constantly walking on egg shells, trying to keep the peace, waiting for the next rage over nothing. I can’t control them, I can’t prevent them because literally anything can set it off. Now I’ve opened up I feel like there is no going back, all this time I’ve been protecting him really, I suppose ashamed as well of myself but enough really is enough. I want to be free, I want me back, I don’t even recognise the person I’ve become. I want the life I deserve and that my children deserve and this is not it.
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Hi sunflower 1
I hope you’re in abtter place by now. I feel so much similar. The most scary bit is to get out and the things is once I have seen the pattern I can not not see it now. I know his games a his aggressiveness and his charm. I can’t believe this is happened but it did.
It feels like a pain in my chest, very heavy and I also want a freedom and joy of life and me back with my baby.
I want to say that your strong and brave just as a friend said it to me today.
All we need is understanding friends and support and will begin to work things out with the help of professionals. I hope we get the help that is there and is right for us.All the best
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I’m not out yet I can’t this week but hopefully next week I’ll get my opportunity I’m having to try and act normal this week like nothing happened but really I’m doing my best to plan what I can without dwelling too much or panicking. I’m gathering everything I need together in subtle ways, trying to think of what I need and my friend is helping me, I will write when I am out though. It’s daunting and scary and I’ve no idea how I’m going to manage but I’ve started with nothing before I can do it again and once I’m out I can start to open up to people who I know will help and support me. We can do it! X
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Hi Sunflower1, you are doing the right thing in leaving your abuser. My abuser too would make lots of threats, kick, smash and break things. It was terrifying and I never want my children or myself to be in that position again. They really don’t change, their behavior will just get much worse.
I recently left and I was so nervous. The build up to it was making me so anxious and nervous that I couldn’t sleep at night. But I did it and made the other side. You’re friend is completely right, you need to get your kids and yourself out of there and then figure out the rest when you reach your safe place. If you’re worried about your mail etc still being sent to the address then you can contact your local post office and ask for your mail to be redirected to your new address, there is a small charge but it is worth it until you have the time to change your address with GPs and dentists etc.
I definitely wouldn’t look back now. I have my odd moments where I wake up suddenly feeling scared but overally health has improved massively. My children are thriving too and not once have they asked for their dad. They didn’t see him much anyway so it’s not a loss. I knew I had to leave when he had made several threats to kill but then he’d threw hot (detail removed by moderator) over my face and chest. He did it with such force that my chest was marked too. I knew I had to leave them before he started doing things like that to my children.
You will be so much happier when you go and you kids too, honestly. If you need to call the police to get an injunction then do it, so whatever you think you’ll need to do. I’m lucky that I moved far from my abuser. He still texts every so often telling me how sorry he is and he will change etc, and he’s desperate to see his children, the children he didn’t even acknowledge. I’ve told him to start court proceedings if he wants contact. He told me he is going to court in a few weeks for something else, so I’m keeping everything crossed that he gets sentenced. Xx
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This is what I’m worried about, I don’t want to take the kids away I do want them to see him but I’m not sure I trust him firstly to give them back, not to use them or try and turn them against me or to turn on them if I’m not there. He does shout at them a lot, he goes overboard and tells them off for minor things. I’ll have to get advice about it all though. I was planning to move back to the town we live in as I have to still work I won’t get any benefits due to a share in a property I can’t sell so my only income is from work. It’s going to be hard I know but once I’m out I’ll get advice on moving forward. Thank you everyone this forum is keeping me going x
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Sunflower1, I would be lying if I said it was easy. It will take alot of planning and saving, but most of all courage to make the break. I knew I had to leave when his behavior became unbearable. He would make serious threats and I’d find myself unable to sleep due to fear of him carrying the threats out.
If you feel he could be harmful to your children then you must let him make an application to see them, then you can put forward all of your evidence or concerns. For my children there is no way I would allow any form of contact unlww it has been risk assessed by the relevant people. My abuser has addiction issues and a violent past aswell as the abuse he subjected me to, I never called the police but I did start to document incidents and record and take pictures.
It seems like you feel trapped and hopeless at the moment. I remember feeling like that but once I started to get the ball rolling I began to incision the other side and I made it happen. You too can make it happen. You have survived his abuse for a long time. You are stronger than you think. Xx
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