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I questioned myself tonight. Why did I put up with it. How did i not realise what was happening. Thing is, I did. Turns out it starts very subtly, the comments, the insults, but they’re only joking right? Don’t wear that, wear this, you look great in that but not this, Why do you want to go out with your friends? The checking up on me texts when I did go out – but only because he worried about me ofcourse.
Then the jealousy of my relationship with my son, I don’t discipline him, I let him away with murder etc. Then the pushing, the shoving, the pinning down, throwing me about like a rag doll. Grabbing my face, the thing he told me was beautiful!
I seriously have to question how I put up with that. He never apologised, would deny anything happened, he couldn’t remember.
Did he do this to other people? Well, yes, to past girlfriends. Not to his mother or daughters tho. He saved the abuse just for me but managed to make me feel wanted and adored! Utter madness. I was a brain washed slave
He’s gone and I’m really glad.
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I have a recording of us “talking”.
I listened to it today.
I’m screaming at the old me to fight back, to say something, to stand up for myself, to tell him to stop with the lies and manipulation.
The old me is worn down and knows better than to stoke the flames when he’s already burning.
Hard isn’t it. They are experts and know the game. We got drawn into it unwillingly. The rules kept changing. We could never win.
But now, we have won. We are away from them and we see them for what they are. That’s the win. We are winners!
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Totally agree with you dragon fly, i ask myself that same question why did i stay so long and even let him do the things he did. The answers i came up with
1. Im not abuser
2.. Once i commit to a relationship i dont give up wiwthout seeing if i can make it work
3. was brainwashed, mentally broken down
4. fear /shame
5. didnt want a broken family for children -
Good post Dragonfly…Agreed on all points
I always maintain it was a drip drip drip sequence of abusive events.
dished out, taken back…then escalated…then taken back..Then emotional confusion kicked in, did he really, do, say, mean all that?
How come his problems.. became ours, then became mine?He’s all nice now? It must be me, I must try harder to not upset him, and accept,
he has bad days (excuse excuses) Why is he upset all the time about nothing?
What is his real agenda…what IS happening (the realisation)Is it really what I think it could be…no!!it cant be, its not happening everyday
(it is you just get used to it)+I didn’t have any idea about emotional or financial abuse none whatsoever,
seriously didn’t know it existed.(this must be highlighted on DA public info)A big one for me…Why don’t his words and actions join up?
Why is he saying these nice words.. and doing that… abusive actions/control/manipulation?It doesn’t make sense Ladies..because there is no sense in abuse.
Cx
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Oh you are all telling my story too. How awful it is that so many experience the same thing, what does it say about our society that this pattern repeats for so many women. I realise that I was brought up in a family with a bully and mistook it for strength.
I agree with the reasons why we stay, but think overall there is just that awful intimidation. On another post I likened it to a phobia. If you have a phobia of spiders you react and run before you have time to think rationally. Every time the abusive behaviour felt near or possible (nearly all the time) I would react to reduce it and not think about it until after then blame myself for being weak. Just like with spiders I would avoid situations that might expose me to them, like inviting friends round. The only difference was that I am not ashamed of my spider phobia and was happy to ask for help removing them. It is only really on this forum I am less shamed of my phobia of my husband. I am trying to ask for help to remove him now. All your stories are inspiring. -
Hi knots keep building ur strength and plan ur escape.
when fear holds u back imagine a life where u can breath, smile and feel happy.
The life we are living is not normal love should not be full of pain, sadness and fear.
We owe it to ourselves to find peace and happiness there is help out there, lets all keep supporting each other. -
Thank you Dragonfly for putting into words what I have not been able to the past few months because I am so worn down. I am grateful for this place, even though I am a relative newbie. The lack of validation and empathy from others who do not see, hear, experience what we do.
Why did I put up with it?
Because I am a decant human being who wanted to make my relationship work. I had one failed marriage and really wanted to try everything to make this work.
Because there was hope between the episodes of control/coercion/abuse. There was the man we first met, acting the way non-abusive men act between the ugliness. Even a glimmer of hope is/was good enough! That song One Million Reasons by Lady Gaga keeps coming to mind lately.
Because I did not realise I deserve(d) better than this and there was/is better, this was/is not normal or within normal parameters of what loving relationships look like.
Because I thought I was partly to blame, the old “it takes two to tango” line always ran through my head. Plus I began to believe the blaming – bad mother, bad girlfried, picky, something wrong with me, etc.
Because I began to question myself and be very, very confused. I was like a deer in the headlights, whaaaaat? Am I the mad, bad, sad one?
Because I thought moving out, making a new start, having to start from scratch was way too hard. It feels way to hard at the moment in my mental state, to be frank. Besides I paid for half of everything if not more, why the hell should I move out?!
Because he promised to change, it was never, ever going to happen again. This was it. Oh but it did and it does. Just in less explosive ways for a bit.
Because I loved him. I am not sure I do now, in fact sometimes I dream of revenge and really, really hurting him. I don’t feel like I love him anymore, I feel numb.
I could ramble on and on, but these are some of the reasons and excuses as to why I put up with it.
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Its interesting because we are all on the same page with a different perpetrator.
Where do they learn this stuff? as it comes so naturally, like they’ve all got the abuse gene…I wouldn’t know where to begin confusion controlling manipulating, withdrawing ignoring and totally selfish cruelty…yet mainly goes unreported and unpunished.
I couldn’t be bothered making so much effort into such a destructive negative actions of hurt, it must be a full time job for them…like nothing else exists, this is their life…not ours!Why do they continue? for what? to see someone in pain reduced to tears..in fear & pain…its seriously sadistic warped behaviour. The more I read the more I realise how messed up the abuser is…no wonder we cant figure them out! Its totally beyond my thinking, as a reasonable fairly intelligent human being!
God only knows what is going on in their head their messed up world…in reality they are no bodies!
Obviously we keep going we keep raising awareness…speaking out, rejecting abuse///reporting discussing sharing…gaining insight into the reality of the stranger we lived with as our lover partner husband.
Cx
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Thank you.
I did a spring clean last week. I’m a bit of a ‘writer’. I found a piece of paper…..it was me trying to find ways to please him. How could I make it all exciting for him. Thinking of things we could do, places to go. All about how I could make everything better for him. There was even sentences in there for me to practice starting up a conversation that was meant to be as safe as possible. (towards the end I wasn’t really allowed to have thoughts or opinions you see).
I just looked at the madness I’d scribbled down in complete disbelief. Had I really become so pathetic?
The thing is I’m well liked. I have good people in my life, I’m loved. He hated that so took me away from them. Well they’re all back now :-).
I scrunched up that piece of paper and put it in the bin. Continued with my spring cleaning.
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Same here too, words and actions just shoved me twice. Nasty horrid words, always about him. Doesn’t think of anyone but himself. Dragonfly you’ve written about me too, even as much as how I’m a c**p parent with no discipline! its unbelievable do they have some weird club where they meet just to work out how to completely fu@k us up?? I don’t get how they can all do the same thing, say the same thing….I’m too scared to leave too
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It really is incredible isn’t it? I wonder where it comes from. If they don’t like us why do they need us in their lives? Because they are the needy one’s not us. They actually live with the fear of rejection, abandonment so project that on to us and hey presto they’re in charge. Meanwhile everyone else is miserable and living in fear.
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