Estranged from your birth family? This is support thread over Christmas/New Year

[freedomtochoose]

Hello everyone,
I have been feeling estrangements from my birth family especially since winter. I have a child and so it feels doubly difficult sometimes. But here we are at the end of term and I am trying to stay positive. The Christmas tree is up and although we don’t have a lot I have bought presents.

I thought it might be helpful to start this thread, so people in our situation (and others) can support each other with what often appears to be a family-orientated time.

Today I discovered an organisation called Stand Alone. We are not supposed to post links but if you have a moment check out their website it might be helpful for some. It is the first time I have noticed any organisation which specialises in the situation of people estranged from their families, for whatever reason, including domestic abuse.

Hope you find this helpful and can post now and then – over Christmas with challenges and what it is that helps you through, hoping it might be multual support.
all best
ftc
x

[everythingwillworkout]

Thank you for posting, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas 😊x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for starting this thread Freeomtochoose. I have a strained relationship with my family. This year I have decided to spend Christmas alone. I feel mostly peaceful about that decision. But I can be triggered easily if I hear people talk about big happy family celebrations and how great their parents and siblings are.

I have tried for years to have happy Christmasses with my family. Pretty much every year is the same – I make tonnes of effort with presents and decorations and I genuinely always felt excited and happy. They go along with it at first and seem in good spirits but it’s like they are uncomfortable with joy and usually have to suddenly squash it causing me a lot of emotional pain. Examples include one year my sibling and mother both disappeared half an hour before I was about to serve up a big roast dinner, then acted like I was the selfish one for being upset.

Other examples including dropping some kind of bombshell unexpectedly like announcing they could no longer help me buy this thing I needed for my work but ‘Happy Christmas’ then a few days later changing their mind. My brother is extremely moody and unpredictable. He goes from being super fun, charming and friendly to suddenly going silent acting like he hasn’t heard you (then snapping if you tentatively repeat what you said) or just suddenly upping and leaving with no warning. He also loves to mock and tease me and has for years always made me feel like c**p. They all leave me feeling so guilty. They are hurtful then act like I am this bad daughter if I get upset by what they do, like I am the problem, the black sheep.

I am so sick of the dynamic I just can’t do it anymore. I have seen my parents a few times recently whilst maintaining boundaries. It has been ok but I also feel uneasy around them. I have started to detect subtle manipulation beneath the surface. For example my mum suggesting I give her a key to my place ‘in case I get locked out’ and other such things. She acts like a super kind, supportive mother and I always want to believe this is who she is but I have a bad feeling that it is control masquerading as kindness, if that makes sense.

I have felt upset the past few days after someone was really rude and hostile to me unexpectedly and a few other things so it is good to have this forum to talk to others and feel less alone.

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks everyone for posting so far. I too have felt less alone in reading this posts so far. I have not been doing so well today. Somehow the usual arguments about teenager messy bedrooms are affecting me more than usual. I have looked on the Stand Alone website, watched the vid and realised how many people are affected by this being estranged from birth family thing. Apparently up to 1 in 5. Strange isn’t it – when you think of how many people around this time of year you see playing apparently ‘happy families’ in the shops and in restaurants.

I will try to post on this thread regularly over Christmas. Got to get through this thing somehow. My strategy at the moment is to tidy up. Not wildly exciting I know but That way I figure when it is all over I wont have so much to do.
I wish I could be more joyful. My own mother hated Christmas. I do have these feelings myself and am happy with a simple affair.

Hope you are all okay today.
all best
ftc
x

[Ayanna]

Christmas has never been a good time for me.
I avoid seeing my family during this time.
With the exes it was bad experiences en masse too.
I came to my own solution.
I decided that Christmas is a happy time for me.
I gifted myself with beautiful decorations and I have the tree that I was never allowed to have.
I listen to Christmas songs no end.
I eat all the food that I like and spoil myself with presents.
Over all this I completely forget about my family and all the miserable people who pretended to be my friends and let me down.
I also work often.
Whenever I have the time I go to a Christmas Market.
I have lots of distraction and when I return to my beautifully decorated home I feel happy.
This year I actually feel as if I have overtaken my family and my Christmas is better than theirs 🙂

[freedomtochoose]

well done Ayanna. I take inspiration from this
all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

Just wondering how everyone was doing at this time in January. Just wanted to check in with this thread.
all best
ftc
x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Ftc,
I only see this tread now, I did spend Xmas alone but like Ayanna, I decided to make it a nice one and decorated and boight myself two books and cooked myself a nice meal. My ex got invited to spend xmas with my own family, it took my one day to get over the shock and went back to follow my plans with treating myself. It is difficult now but it won’t be like this for ever.
Hope you spent a nice xmas and new years wih your daughter?

[Author]

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