This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Iwantmeback 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #68212

    I left “him” (detail removed by moderator) years ago, well (detail removed by moderator) ago. We had been married for (detail removed by moderator) years and still are in the eyes of the law. I have not tried to get any financial assistance regarding solicitors or court orders because I have not wanted to talk, to tell. So when I can afford I get my solicitor to take the next step. “He” either does not respond or just does not give the information that has been requested.
    My family, friends and solicitor do know, now, some of what has happened. So this is an ongoing saga !!

    I was buying dressing gowns today for two cute great nieces. I couldn’t get near the blue because someone was shopping. “Oh move” I’m thinking, I can see them but can’t get near enough to see the sizes. The lady slowly turned, looked straight at me and said “Am I in your way? Do you want to come here?”
    “No, no, it’s ok” I replied, blushing and realising that I had said move out loud. This lady smiled at me. She moved to some other dressing gowns and talked to me and my sister about how cute and soft the dressing gowns were. Every so often she smiled at me. I met my christmas angel today.
    When I got home I was still horrified that I had said not thought “move”. I cried.
    I have spent years trying to be normal, trying to be good company, have a laugh and a joke. Today I realised how incredibly angry I am. Not shouting or throwing angry, just angry. And I feel like it is a ball of hard black granite that I have carried for so long that I have forgotten it is there. The anger is towards “him” but only some. I am angry with me.
    Why is this a eureka moment ? My christmas angel helped me to realise how angry I was and that has lifted some of the weight of that granite ball

  • #68217

    Even though its your eureka moment, I’m smiling here. Why, because even though you spoke outloud, and were horrified,
    that lady responded with civility and kindness. Just a wee reminder that there are some lovely people still out there.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68219

    (Detail removed by moderator). I thought I was level headed. Loved a girls night out and had a good job. He was fun and good looking. The sad part is I did not want a relationship I was having too much fun and job was going good. (Detail removed by moderator) later we were married.
    All the signs were there.
    He had been married, had a daughter, was seeing someone. He was good fun but there was a loving sad side to him. He needed support, a friend. I met his Dad and a couple of friends he had known from school. They were great people.
    All the signs were there.
    We moved in together. Ikea shop and meals out. His Dad came and stopped over and got on really well with my parents. It is before we got married that I remember him saying “My Dad said I’m going to ruin your life” Me “What” Then both of us laughing.
    All the signs were there.
    We got married in the late (detail removed by moderator). Within (detail removed by moderator) years I suspected that he was seeing someone. Questioning this led to shouting, slamming doors and me being the worst thing that ever walked on this planet. One argument I remember, his daughter was staying. We were upstairs, she was watching TV downstairs, I was getting ready for work. He was not happy that I had been out with my friends the night before. The smack on my ear broke my earring. (Detail removed by moderator) do not punch or slap were there is an obvious mark. I came downstairs like nothing was wrong, got my stuff and went to start my (detail removed by moderator) shift.
    All the signs were there.

    He has told me that he was seeing someone before we married, soon after we married, paid for abortions while we were doing IVF and he has paid for prostitutes all the time during both marriages, “It’s a laugh, it’s what men do.”
    All the signs were there. But I loved him. The more the lies became apparent, started to fall apart, the more he drank. The violence was no longer an argument that got out of hand. I was dragged out of bed and put in an arm lock on the floor. I didn’t understand why he kept doing this, I was asleep! These were not an argument that had got out of hand.
    All the signs were there.
    I could go on and on. I am so angry with my self. WHY ?? Because I stayed so long. Because I think I am starting to finally stop running away from me, my needs, my wants, who I am, ME.
    Love to all of you, you give me the strength, confidence and the feeling of “I can do this”
    Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts x*x

  • #68248
    Main Moderator

    Dear Butterbelly,

    Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your ‘eureka moment’ with us. I’m sure many other survivors on here will identify with having emotions rise some time after the relationship is over. Your anger is justified, and you may need to let it be there for a while. However please try to be kind to yourself; your ex is the only person responsible for the abuse that happened. We all understand how complex domestic abuse is; how difficult it is to recognise, let alone to get away from.

    It’s really positive that you’re starting to focus on yourself. Please keep posting here, and if you want to look for local support you can contact your local domestic abuse service, to ask what recovery courses they offer, or if they can signpost you to a specialist counsellor.

    Kind Regards,


  • #68250

    Hello Butterbelly, you and i are probably similar ages going by what you said in your last paragraph. We are in the invisible years (detail removed by moderator)! I think i to am no longer hiding from what’s been in front of me for so long. I had an amazing chat with a psychologist recently. She can’t believe how i have managed to stay as sane in such an insane situation. She called me bubbly, articulate,and passionate and she’d only known me 20 minutes.💜💜
    Look into trauma bonding it helps to explain the why

    IWMB 💕💕

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