Even more clarity

[Footballfan1]

I’ve been private messaging a lovely, brave lady on here recently.
Sharing our experiences has brought me even more clarity, something I hadn’t even thought of before.

I didn’t leave my ex for me.
I thought I finally had enough, couldn’t put up with it any longer.
That wasn’t it.
I think I’d have stayed like that forever.

What pushed me to leave was that he couldn’t stand the kids having their own opinions, dreams thought processes.
He got angry at them for thinking differently, he talked at them and over them drumming his opinion into their heads.
I couldn’t stand it.
I could see these 2, so different to each other souls, they are so beautiful, and so unique.
They are siblings but so different personality wise.
As they have gotten older, their personalities have shone through.
I love it.
I think it is great.
Ex couldn’t cope with it though.
We all had to think like him, act like him.
I realise now that the physical stuff towards me was because I was standing up to him, refusing to support him on brain washing the kids.
I never stood up to him for myself, so he wasn’t used to it.

I know this sounds really hectic sorry, it’s just like a light bulb moment.

[Lisa]

Hi Footballfan1,

Thank you for posting this. I think it’s so helpful to share these kinds of revelations. It’s something that’s true for a lot of women, that seeing the effect that an abuser is having on their children provides the motivation to leave. Whether it’s behaviour directed at the children or the impact of living in a home where domestic abuse is happening, it’s often much more instinctive to take steps to protect your children than yourself.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Bananaboat]

Doesn’t sound silly at all, it’s sounds very insightful! Similar to you, I excused so much towards me, even against my eldest (his step child), but it wasn’t until a shared child came along that I realised all his actions / my internal excuses didn’t wash, it didn’t matter who it was – only that it wasn’t his way. Our kids saved us x

[Twisted Sister]

So good to hear your moment of clarity, and i’m sure its not so dissimilar to others too. I know it was seeing abuse on the children that gave me my answers often, that how can a baby be ‘wrong’, invoke that evil in someone, me, he could excuse away with all his taunts and blames, but the children, they’re children whats your excuse for abusing them. Its still something I try to remind myself of, I would take the blame for his madness, but there’s no excusing this when its children, none.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same boat, it was the effect of the abuse on my children that made me realise his behaviour was wrong. Up until that point I couldn’t see it for myself. Can I ask, did your exes ever admit to mistreatment of your children? Mine has not accepted he abuse me and in no way accepted his actions to our children were wrong at all…

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Footballfan1,
Just reading your post, and everyone else’s too. It’s such a powerful thing to hear of these “light bulb” moments especially when seeing the effects on children.

I especially like the part about realising that staying with the abuser would essentially be stifling their personalities and not allowing them to grow into themselves.

One revelation came long after I had moved on, one day something arbitary had triggered a memory. I realised that for my abuser one of the reasons was attention, that if my attention was directed to anyone else or anything aside from him, it would provoke an uncontrollable anger. I think that’s what made me realise that the relationship was never sustainable, it was impossible for any person to commit all that attention to someone at the detriment to their own needs, wants, and above all health and wellbeing.

I think that’s when I finally let go of the blame I was putting on myself.

[Footballfan1]

Thankyou everybody for your replies.
Bananaboat, you are right, our kids did save us.

TwistedSister, yes it is seeing the evil aimed at babies/children, there is no excuse for it and it does wake us up to it.

Hi 1234Freedom, no he has not admitted mistreating any of us.
It is delusional because there has been so much agency involvement including police.
It’s not just my word against his, authorities have witnessed his behaviour, spoken to him about it yet he still doesn’t see that he has done anything wrong.
I don’t think they will ever admit to it.

Hi Octobersunshine, you are right about the attention not being on them angering them.
That is often why they escalate and get worse when we are pregnant or after baby is born.
They are jealous of the attention not being on them.

It was hard to explain about their personalities being stifled, I couldn’t quite put it into words, but you are right.
It’s amazing how many of us has had this clarity for the children, but we didn’t for ourselves.

Thankyou for all the replies, I have read each one of them and I am truly grateful for your support xx

[Author]

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