Ever miss certain characteristics but not the person.

[Janedoeissad]

My Ex was organised. Very organised. I liked that as I’m organised too. I do things in a scructured way so I don’t waste effort or time.

I don’t miss HIM but I miss having someone as organised as I am. Someone who organised things in the exact way I did. Someone who could preempt things and suggest solutions ahead of time.

My family are so disorganised it makes me angry. What sounds stupid to them is important to me. The same things were important to him.

For example, he wouldn’t buy a new version of something because one small, inexpensive, easily fixable thing was broken on it. We’d fix it. My family would spend a fortune on a new one. Why waste money??

I miss that right now. I don’t want to go back but I’d love not to feel like an nagging old woman all the time since my family couldn’t organise booze up in a brewery.

Am I insane? Or do any of you feel this?

It’s not about “when he was being nice”. It’s about a way he would be with or without me.

Hope that makes sense??

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes it makes a lot of sense, I think it’s one of the difficult things about leaving and staying away from them, is that there were bound to be at least a few things we liked otherwise we would never have got together with them and it is partly why we have to grieve them despite knowing they are monsters under the mask.

I feel similar about my ex, like I can divide aspects of the relationship up into compartments of what I miss and don’t miss. I loved how clean and tidy he was, like he’d alwways immediately do his washing up and kept on top of his washing and used to hang it out on the line, which I thought was really cute and impressive having previously dated undomesticated men. The dark side was that he ‘joked’ about me taking over his washing, cooking, hoovering etc so I suspect he might even have been ‘modelling’ this behaviour to me to show me what he expected so it wasn’t at all cute/sweet in the end, which makes me feel sad thinking about it but it’s also good to help me return to reality about him.

I have been feeling embarassed to admit it but I partly miss sex with him, before it got cold and clinical, because he was great in bed initially which was amazing after my ex from years ago who was a lovely person but sadly always disappointing in bed. I have found this a difficult thing to get over, I feel like he left me with a sort of sexual addiction, which I read is common after being involved with these sorts of men. Like they sexualise everything and make you feel dependent on them, that’s what my ex did anyway.

Have you written a list describing your ideal partner? Being organised could be a good one to put on there. And keep embodying the traits you liked about him, so that you strengthen them in your own life. I have been keeping on top of my washing up and washing for example, and that definitely makes me feel better and more accomplished especially as some days it’s hard to get out of bed.

[Janedoeissad]

Sunshinerainflower, yes! The cleaning thing is exactly what I mean. Although my Ex never said anything about me taking over. He just was a clean and organised person. He did shout at me if I didn’t do certain things but since I have left, I realised some of them where spot on (keeping the car clean and taking care of it as one silly example) and now I can see how frustrating it would have been for him. Still no excuse for abuse but wanting a nice home and car is not a bad thing I have learnt.

And that trait will definitely be something I’d add to my list for an ideal partner.

I am trying desperately to keep hold of these traits but no one else where I am living seems to care. However, I will not give up and maybe having my own place would mean I can have the perfect, clean, tidy and organised home I want. I just need to wait for things to get sorted with the Ex and then I can do that. So I just need to be patient.

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