30th December 2015 at 8:49 pm #6816SFHolding2Participant
So I have admitted I need help since leaving my ex. I have ended up on antidepressants and sleeping pills for nearly two weeks. I was suffering from anxiety, but I get home ( not a proper home as staying at a friend’s in a lovely 4 bedded house) from work every evening and as soon as I get back and shut the door I cry! Is that normal? I have to go back next week to the cramped hell in temporary accommodation, dreading it. I don’t know how it got so bad? I did everything I could do to leave earlier this year as soon as I realised the full extent of the abuse, I started off strong and I feel so weak now. Not that I want to go back to him, I don’t at all, but I feel lost in some way…. hopefully someone will understand x x
30th December 2015 at 9:03 pm #6818Falling SkysParticipant
Hi Unity xx
Hugs xx I’ve had my coming home cry this evening, I am still in the same property as my abuser, which is just not moving…
I have my phone by the side of me with my alarm and car keys just in case he kicks off (but I don’t think he will as he told he wouldn’t hit me as I would have him out. When I go to bed I put my door braise on. (sadly the police hands are tied as I didn’t report anything violent with in ten days, but they were a great help)
Its a constant battle and its hard to stay strong because they are in their element causing upset where all we want is peace.
Though I don’t have an end date, I think each day I’m closer to my way out. (well I got to be a day closer than yesterday) It does help me, not always but some times xx
Hopefully your new home will be there for you soon and mine as well xx
I hope the medication is helping xx
30th December 2015 at 9:21 pm #6824StarlightParticipant
Hi Unity, Yes it must be normal as I have done it as well. We cry the minute we get some privacy as we can’t let our emotions show at work or in front of the kids or family.
Its our way to get through it. Let it out. its a long process and we question whether we could have done things differently. We do start questioning our choices. I left mine about 15 times and he coaxed me back every time as I weakened.
It must be extremely hard for you not having your own permanent home. Some stability in your life at least. I feel for you. Its hard being on your own after being in an abusive relationship. we are used to being controlled and now we have all this time and choices to do what we would like to and we don’t know what to do as we are still conditioned even though they are not there anymore. I think it must take time to find ourselves again and our new life.
Hang in there. Big hug. We are all here for you and I am praying that you and Falling Skys find your new homes soon.
30th December 2015 at 10:27 pm #6830SFHolding2Participant
Than you so much, tears rolling down my cheeks to even think someone cares about my post. I honestly think I have reached my all time low. I actually think I have started to feel emotions since starting antidepressants. Before that I seemed to be in a hypervigillant state of paranoia of what society thought of me, defensive, numb and irratable. Now I seem to be low in mood and tearful, I suppose it’s an emotion as opposed to before… love and hugs to you both x x
31st December 2015 at 12:35 am #6836StarlightParticipant
Dear Unity, we all care about you. We are all in this together and understand what you are going through. Perhaps you have been on guard before and only now you are no longer holding all these emotions inside you.
Living with paranoia, having to defend yourself constantly etc is draining and mind altering and not nice to have to live with at all. If i could give you a hug, make you a cuppa and just be there for you i would. I know what its like to go through this alone. ( i think the Samaratins must know be quite well) i hate the evenings, like now. Cant sleep, mind wont stop thinking about things and wishing this pain would go away.
Keep posting, it helps. Love and hugs right back to you xx
31st December 2015 at 4:59 pm #6851SerenityParticipant
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low.
I haven’t posted for a while, due to a number of reasons.
Think of the tears as releasing p**s from a wound. All the poison is coming out. Abusers, I am sure, cause toxins to build up in our bodies. Tears are a release.
You have been through so much. When you first moved out, I was amazed at how well you were coping. Maybe it is all hitting you now.
Don’t feel bad about being on tablets. I have been on mine now for 18 months, including ones for panic attacks. I don’t feel ready to come off them yet, though there are days I forget to take them.
I have private messaged you, Sweetie.
I hope 2016 is the year that you really find yourself and find ecstatic joy just being you. You are a strong lady: you will get there X
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