Every nasty thing he has said or done, he says is my fault

[Sunglasses]

I am having a really and day. When I can’t cope anymore and have the strength to walk away, he becomes so charming and always bombards me with love messages and calls every time until I give in and think he means it. He then becomes nasty again almost immediately. When he’s been physically abusive, he denies it. He calls me nasty names repeatedly and brings up every argument saying they are my fault and repeats the same thing over and over. He keeps arranging to meet up and then last minute each times causes and argument until it doesn’t happen. He messages and meets with women saying it’s my fault as I’m horrible to him and he’s not doing anything wrong. Then accuses me of cheating, video calls me late at night to see where I am and checks my phone.
I found the strength to go to the police but they said it was my word against his and he is denying everything, saying that I need to tell everyone I lied and that he hadn’t done anything wrong.
I know it’s wrong and see it’s wrong but wonder if anyone else has been there and how they finally escaped?

[Hereforhelp]

Your husband is very abusive and is gaslighting you which keeps your head questioning until you feel like you are loosing the plot! My ex sounds similar with the gaslighting, they all blame everything on others as they take no responsibility for their actions. Have you read living with the Dominater by Pat Craven as that’s a really helpful book. Contact your local Womans Aid as they can support you.
I am so sorry about your experience with thr police, that was so brave of you and they let you down. Keepinh a record in a journal of the abuse can help, always ask for DA trained police officers (with any help I found DA trained professionals far more understanding).
Keep posting and take one daynat a time ❤

[Mellow]

I really relate to this post and I’m giving you every strength in your heart to leave I did go to the police it was unintentional if you have kids (detail removed by moderator) but please leave if you can he won’t change I’ve been blamed a lot for his behaviour but it’s not your fault mine has been physical and denied it even nearly broke my limbs don’t let it get bad he tried saying it didn’t happen it’s called gas lighting they love bomb you after like it never happened emotional abuse is hard to prove.I’ve had the whole I’m not good enough story and chats with women he say are friends.if he’s hiding his phone doing things in secret it’s not healthy it’s wrong if he can’t tell you who he’s speaking to it’s wrong we are allowed privacy but your instinct will tell you it’s not right trust it

[Sunglasses]

Thankyou so much, so much. I can’t talk to friends or family, so this really helps.
I get sent (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator) when I leave him. The police mentioned gaslighting, but he sends me quotes from (detail removed by moderator) about (detail removed by moderator) and circles them saying (detail removed by moderator). When he’s pulled me across the floor by my hair, he’s denied it after as if it didn’t happen which is somewhat worse than the actual assault.
Calling me fat repeatedly and unfortunately I have an eating disorder and don’t eat anyway and that makes it harder.
It had helped just being able to speak about what’s happening.
He hates me at the moment but I know that in a matter of days it will start again 😔

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, yes I can totally relate. Have you read about the cycle of abuse? Lundy Bancroft’s book why does he do that is also a good read.

The little comments and put downs are toxic as they’re too little to raise with him or others but they stick in our heads, things like you’re fat, you smell, you’re no good at cooking/cleaning etc etc, I liken it to Chinese water torture and the drip drip drip effect of destroying us inside.

I found learning about abuse through here, the books and people to watch that get recommended, then the more I learnt – the more I saw his behaviour for what it really was, which in turn gave me the strength to leave. Leaving is a journey, some ppl go quick, others take a long time – neither is wrong. That said, you mention physical attacks and your safety must come first, in which case try speaking with Woman’s Aid or Refuge before he hits you again xx

[Author]

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