Everyone loves him. Am I imagining it all?

[TiredZiggy]

I’ve been married (detail removed by Moderator) yrs and have 3 kids (detail removed by Moderator). My husbands (detail removed by Moderator) has cancer. He’s had it (detail removed by Moderator) years but started treatment (detail removed by Moderator) months ago. Thing is when my (detail removed by Moderator) gets really bad or something else goes wrong (like his job) my husband takes it out on me & the kids verbally and I believe mentally.
(detail removed by Moderator) for example has been horrendous. We were having a nice evening with the kids when he started moaning at my son about something he wasn’t doing quick enough. I heard & told my husband to give my son a break I was helping him & we were trying to be quick (I didn’t yell, wasn’t confrontational at all). With that he jumped into a barrage of verbal attacks. “(detail removed by Moderator)” “(detail removed by Moderator)” when I answered back “(detail removed by Moderator)” all in front of our kids but he kept saying it over & over again, I got so upset I shouted I wouldn’t be quiet I have a right to speak. I told him he was a bully and he said I’ve ruined his night and the kids night because of my behavior and that I’m abusive towards HIM. The kids were so upset we all went upstairs my (detail removed by Moderator) year old was crying. He put the downstairs TV on so loud the kids couldn’t sleep so I told him to lower it because our kids need to sleep. He told me to “f**k off”. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Every weekend is awful I’m walking on eggshells in case he’s depressed or in a mood and the switch just ‘flicks’. He can be so incredibly rude to me & our kids yet everyone on the outside loves him. I earn a very little wage and have nowhere to go. I know tomorrow my life is going to be hell here, I don’t know where to turn. He has been getting counseling through work but tbh it’s actually made it worse, he’s turned even more nasty towards me since the sessions. He said everything is my fault, I’m an awful wife and horrible person. I want to get out but I don’t want to turn my poor kids lives upside down. Please don’t respond by telling me the damage this is doing to my kids anyway, I know that but I’m stuck. Or am I wrong ..is this my fault because I’m a c****y wife?

[Raspberry123]

Hi, no his behaviour is not your fault at all. You don’t deserve any sort of assault whether that be mentally, verbally or physically. You described exactly a situation that I went through when I was growing up, my dad sounds exactly like your partner in this. I know a lot of people think why don’t they just leave but I know that it’s not as easy as that. You’re not alone and so many women on here can relate and support you including myself. If you ever need to chat you can send me a message. And remember you are worthy of love and you deserve to be treated respectfully no matter what xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey i know this too well sadly. Recently ive been shocked at how many people in my life have seen what my husband says and does to me they were just too scared to admit it like us scared to see.
You may also find this amoungst those you love they may not want to see but they do.
The fault is his not yours at all.
I have no answer im still with mine so have no advice but please please dont blame yourself nobody deserves that sort of treatment.
Keep talking read up all you can arm yourself with support and advice
Stay strong stay safe x

[TiredZiggy]

Thanks for your reply. Tbh my family aren’t the ones who think he’s great, they know what he’s like and we’ve had family fallings out over it all. No, it’s everyone else, all his friends and friends of the family. I’m told constantly how lucky I am to have him. They have absolutely no idea. Unfortunately too many times the woman is seen as the aggressor, the hysterical nagging one who’s manipulative and the men are the poor down trodden heros. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It can be a living hell. I hope u also stay strong and things work out for u to. I really feel for u. You’re in my thoughts.

[Littlepixie]

Oh I’m in exactly the same situation. My husband is so good at charming people & making himself look good. He’s a Christian (as am I although very lapsed) and he’s on Twitter tweeting stuff about the Bible. He helped out with my son’s (detail removed by Moderator) team & they all thing he’s fabulous. If I say anything about his attitude or behaviour towards our kids they laugh it off & say things like oh they’re so hard on their own. No one seems to understand what he is like behind closed doors. After (detail removed by Moderator) where he left myself & my daughter very scared i am getting organised to try & leave him and I hope my son will see it and come too. I know he’ll be badmouthing me & blaming me for breaking up the family but I have put up with it so long I don’t care now.
I have been doubting myself all day but reading these have helped x

[TiredZiggy]

You are so brave. I really do wish I could do the same but I don’t earn enough money. I’ve been a full-time mum for a very long time and I earn a very small amount through a small job.

It’s amazing how people really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors!

Good luck and stay safe.

[Littlepixie]

I’m really not brave but I have put up with this so long I can’t do it anymore. My daughter won’t come to the house when he’s here. Thankfully it’s only weekends he’s home but I know he’ll probably take a week off at Easter.
My wages are low too & I don’t get paid over the summer because I’m not at work. I am looking for another job just to have extra money. I joined this forum 8 years ago. I didn’t think it was that long & I never posted. Only for my son I’d have left years ago. I’m so scared my son won’t come with me. His dad has threatened & been aggressive towards him lots of times but my son still adores him. He sees his dad buying him everything he wants but I know it’s all about image & the persona of oh look at me.
I hope you are doing ok x

[Better-days]

Ohh I can totally relate to how you are feeling. the way my partner speaks to me is shocking I can’t be with him forever. Like you my kids r my life and putting them at more risk is what scares me most. I know he will try and brainwash then against me. But I have reached a point were I deal with that at the time. Mu oldest is starting to speak to me like c**p and I know I need my kids to know that this is not normal. And the reason we stay is because they can also be so nice. (detail removed by Moderator) I had kids in the garden playing with them and he’s shouting out the back door are you coming in to make me something to eat. I just answered back No he’s just pathetic.

[TiredZiggy]

I’m so sorry sounds awful you deserve so much better.
I’ve always been really open with my kids and I’ve gone against all the therapists when they say you must act united in front of children, don’t say anything bad about your partner and don’t argue in front of them. I’ve always stuck up for myself & our kids in front of them & told my husband when he’s rude and being a bully in front of them. I tell them that’s the way not to speak to your wife or kids. My children say they’d never treat their partners or kids the way he treats me. My husband got his attitude from his dad and his mum never rectified it, now he’s a carbon copy of him. Im going to break that cycle.
Tell your kids how much his actions hurt you, be honest, they need to know.
I know I’m still in my situation but If you ever want to chat just to let off steam please private message me.

[Better-days]

Thanks for the reply it’s so hard dealing with this when kids are involved. I think my oldest it’s mixed up by his behaviour. I’m still in the same situation too so I will keep in touch ❤️

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