Everyone tells me to leave him

[cloudyday]

I don’t really know where to start as there is so much. I’m with a partner who tries to control almost every aspect of my life. He is very overpowering as a person and obsessive about things. I have been with him for a long time and at the beginning I remember thinking he was very full-on at the start of the relationship. The first red flag was within days of meeting him when he telephoned me and said that I shouldn’t be with him as I am too good for him. I thought it a really weird thing to say at the time. Thoughts were niggling in the back of my mind but I chose to ignore them. However, within a few months he had me totally drawn in as he can be very funny and charming and charismatic.

Over time he has virtually isolated me from every single friend I ever had. Any friends that I do have he tells me that he doesn’t like them and says I put them before him even though I hardly ever see them. Even when I see my children he gets jealous of the time I spend with them. We don’t live together and when I am at home and he is at his place he telephones me on and off throughout the evening and keeps me on the phone for hours on end, even sometimes into the early hours of the morning and when I say I’m tired and need to sleep he gets annoyed even though he knows I have to go to work in the morning. He also constantly calls me at work and if I work even half an hour late I am accused of having an affair with a work colleague. I have to phone him in my lunch break and also when I leave work and if I don’t he becomes abusive and I am accused of having an affair. If he is angry with me he will ignore my phone calls and puts the phone down on me constantly leaving me frustrated, angry and full of anxiety. He has ignored me for whole days at a time. He hates me going out in the evening without him but he constantly goes out with friends and only tells me at the last minute so that I cant make any arrangements myself to go out. He tries to control every aspect of my life. I am not allowed to go to the gym or exercise classes. I am not allowed a window cleaner or workman into the house as he thinks I am going to have an affair. I am accused of being a flirt, my skirts are too short and etc etc On the evenings I don’t see him he expects me to stay in and will telephone to check what I am doing. If I don’t answer he will bombard me with loads of calls and then when I do answer he hurls abuse at me and then gives me the silent treatment for hours. I live my life in a total state of anxiety and in fear of the next thing that will set him off, constantly trying to keep him happy.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Cloudyday,

He sounds similar to my ex. I too had to text him every morning otherwise he would ‘feel so anxious he’d vomit at work’ apparently. Every morning I’d get so anxious if I forgot to text him or it got late or I lost signal as I knew I’d have to explain and apologise and I’d feel guilty. It’s really obvious now how wrong that is but at the time I was completely brainwashed by him and thought he was this wonderful guy! I realised after I left that he wasn’t anxious at all, he was just trying to monitor my movements and keep tabs on me. He also used to ask if I’d been somewhere else if I took longer to get home than usual, he’d ask me if I’d spoken to any men at the gym or going shopping, he also did the bombarding me with calls if I didn’t answer immediately thing. They are so crazily jealous and controlling (and I am the most innocent, trusting and faithful person you could ever meet, meanwhile it turned out my ex was cheating on me the whole time!)

Your partner is controlling you so much that he has trapped you in a virtual and at times literal prison. He’s controlling your movements, exercise, social life, your clothes, work, even your domestic life ie not even letting you have a window cleaner. Isolating you from friends, accusing you of affairs yet he can do what he likes and go out when he pleases. It’s painful to start to realise that this is not love, it is control.

You don’t deserve to live like this. Have you tried ringing the helpline or your local domestic abuse service? Mine were great and confirmed the abuse when I was still in the fog. When you’re ready they can help you put a plan into place to break free safely. Also look up ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and Pat Craven’s resources if you haven’t already, plus the Power and Control wheel, these resources all really helped me to make sense of what was happening and break free from his spell.

[Anonymous]

Hi Cloudyday,

I can only speak from my own experience, but this kind of relationship will never change. Despite all the promises made they are not capable of changing.
I get told to leave him a lot too, but most of the people that say that to me have never been in the situation i am in. They have only been in ‘normal’, healthy relationships and have never been made to feel the mixture of love, hate, panic and anxiety that comes with being in a relationship with these people. They sucker you in and make it very difficult to leave. I honestly believe that leaving them is a process. Its almost like grieving, you have to go through stages before you get even close to being able to leave. At the end of the day, it is only you that can make the decision to end the relationship – and not living with him you are in a strong position. It wouldnt be easy, but if that was the decision you came to i hope that your friends would support you all the way.

We are all here to support you, keep posting and we will all be here to help you through. Its hard for me to get on here often as i can only really get on from work, but pm me if you need to and i will get back to you as soon as i can,

TTMO xx

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I’m just so glad u are not living with him , leaving the abuser is hard and is process no matter how many people tell u to leave . I would suggest calling the helpline to get encouragement to build your support he is controlling u and it’s a horrible life to live

[cloudyday]

Thank you for your kind help and advice. I will definitely give the helpline a call as I really need to find some kind of strength. I feel tired and drained most of the time. How did this happen to me? My family all hate him and will have nothing to do with him. Because of this he goes on and on at me for hours about how horrible my family are and how he has done nothing to warrant this and that he is the victim in all of this. If I see my parents I have to lie as if I tell him he causes an argument with me and says that I shouldn’t even let them through my front door after the way they have treated him. They have seen me upset and in absolute pieces at times when his behaviour has been so bad to me. My children who are grown up want nothing to do with him either. He says that I shouldn’t go to any family get togethers as he is not invited and I am disloyal to him but I know that the reason my family hate him is because of how badly he treats me a lot of the time. I have had clothes, shoes and property destroyed. He truly is scary when he loses it. Why cant I leave? I am so weak.

[Confused123]

hey hun

your not weak, your just tired and drained, be torn between your family who u cant see freely and living with an abuser is horrible and can virtually make u ill, reach out to support as that is best way to make a plan, alone we just get weaker and feel as if we are drowning, there is support available we just have to reachout and it makes sucha massive difference having the moral support

[cloudyday]

I was at work and at lunchtime he called me just as I am about to have lunch. He told me to eat lunch and call him back after. Within (detail removed by Moderator) minutes I called him back, no answer. I called another (detail removed by Moderator) times and still no answer. After lunchtime ended I had to talk to a work colleague in another office about a work related matter for 10 minutes. When I got back to my desk he had called (detail removed by Moderator) times within (detail removed by Moderator) minutes. I called him straight back and he was verbally abusive swearing at me and accusing me of being with a male work colleague and having an affair and put the phone down on me. He sent me many abusive text messages. After work I had to get(detail removed by Moderator)and went to the (detail removed by Moderator) straight from work and then I had to go to a shop to return an item. When I got back to my car he called me and again was swearing at me and saying that I had been having sex with a person from work and I got called “(detail removed by Moderator)“. It made my stomach turn with his disgusting innuendos. I try to explain and get shouted out, sworn at and then the phone put down on me constantly. If I tell him I have to do something after work, i.e go shopping or even working half an hour late he gives me hell. I am scared to tell him as he goes off at the deep end. But if I don’t tell him and then he finds out he makes my life hell anyway. I live this life constantly. One day he is telling me he loves me the next he is accusing me of having affairs and I am called a cheat and a liar yet Ive done nothing to warrant this. He hurts me so much and I am the one that’s always there for him whenever he has problems. He is a verbally aggressive bully. Constantly playing mind games. Putting the phone down on me all the time and ignoring my calls. Ive done nothing to warrant any of this today. It has come from nowhere as always.

[Confused123]

hi huN

His behaviour must be so upsetting for u, my ex used to call me at work and throw abuse on the phone to me, i used to hate it, please call the helpline for some guidance how to keep awy from him, i would say block him but i know u may not do that, i would tell him its over and block him then get a non mol issued immedaitely

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, I agree, you need to have no contact, I know its easier said than done, sometimes its easier to carry on living like this because the thought of standing up is so scary, I have a restraining order now, and for the first time in years im not scared of my phone going off, it takes time to get used to it, but the feeling is great….good luck to you x*x

[Amaguq]

Hi Cloudyday.
Sending you huggggggsssss, I can totally relate to your post (like I do with the majority on here)
You have had some very good advice, call the helpline. Life is too short for us to walk on eggshells any longer.

Best of luck and remember, you’re not alone anymore x*x

[Author]

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