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I know that. I’ve felt it when I’m dancing my , when I’m grounded and aligned with myself. Last night tho, I went out ( for the fist time in a while) was helping out with an event. Got to be with my friends and meet some interesting /creative people/ the type of atmosphere and circles I was involved in long before I met my abuser, when I was still pretty confidanta d do on. Was nice to reconnect with this part of myself ,
Had a bit of a wake up call tho. This was partly because s my friend revealed to me that she had started seeing a good male friend of ours. We both ( my friend and I have been pretty honest with him about our past relationships ( she was also in a toxic one as well) and this make friends of ours is a very decent bloke and had good understanding g of the effects of abuse.
I even went on date with him myself once, I
I was only about a year & out of my relationship at that point, so o cries wasn’t quite ready. But did fstscue sbout what it would be like to be in a relationship shop with him. Imagination g how my parents would like him, how he would be I derstsding if my situation and with my child ( who lives with my pasts rd) my gut told me he would be kind and not st all abudive And I thought “I’m not getting any younger etc .. maybe o should take a leap of faith and go for it. But I couldn’t really Ole myself to trust & still low self esteem with my looks ect.. and ( despite him showing g interest in me) just kept him in the ‘friend zone’ Anywzy in the meantime, my female friend with the do
similar back ground to me, went for it .. and they are now seeing each other. I’m happy for her, as I know she had not had it easy with men jntbthr padt and I know how decent he is. The feelings it prompted in me the most tho, were, as I mentioned earlier, this kind of reality check, of how much I
E I’ve rated , not living myself, not trusting g myself for ( or life) deliberating, hesitating, not considering myself ‘worthy’ of living my dreams, fullgilling my potential … life is so short!
Then I breathed, tried to forgive myself etc .. and ( despite going to bed slightly later last night than I prob have should have done)
Still managed to get up and get ready much more efficiently than I have in the past ( time keeping being my least best skill .. have been trouble at work because ofit ect .. it’s challenging for me to get to places on time ..and brings me down .. but am working on it .. ) Sooo, anyway I missed my dance class, ( which I had been looking forward to for about month. I must add here, that danceing is one if my passions, and Ive noticed that this particular type of class I’m quite good at .. something that helps me to feel that ‘living my dreams & fulfilling my potential and do on are totally possible .. it helps me to realign with myself, feel more alive & present in the moment, boosts my confidence, and I notice that I tend to get quite drepressed if I haven’t dance for a while ( which i haven’t for about s month now & next one of this type isn’t for another month) so feeling a bit gutted to have missed this class today, due to my lateness ( despite making s real effort to get there on time) I guess I just diddn’t start early enough this morning .. and still failed.well .. again I breath, ho up a cafe.. try to be kind to myself.. plan to try snd get to another ( different class) during the week, snd so on .. but just can’t seem to get to the bottom of my timekeeping block .. and feeling gutted still -
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Bless you, Roar.
You keep dancing- whether anyone’s watching you or not.
I’ve learned that it’s so
important not to lose yourself.Be you with bells on. If you ever do get into another relationship, I pray it will be with a laid back chap who would never be so arrogant as to tell you who you should be. X*x
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Ahhh … Thankyou Serenity. Yes, it can really be so easy to loose ourselves, at times. One of my things is that I can often forget to reach out for, help, when I’m feeling low. This is partly due to my (often) feicely indipendent nature (Which my abuser hated & tried to tamper as much as he possible could .. with every abusive/controlling tactic he could come up with , coerhesion, intimidation, gas -lighting, violence .. you name it … Partly down to me just not always feeling that I am worthy of support. And partly because I tend to get very busy with stuff. Also I find that phone -face to face support usually works s but better for me.
But it’s good to reconnect on here tho (and I know I don’t really post that I much ) but even if just for the brief validation of being listened to, understood and knowing that I’m not alone in this ( I can often relate so much to what others have posted, and sometimes that’s enough)
You’re all so amazing and inspire me so much, just by being yourselves !
Thank you 😊 x*x
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