Everything seems pointless

[Good samaritan]

I’m really struggling financially and don’t know how much more I can deal with. I’m trying so hard to get my life back on track but it feels like i’m fighting a losing battle. I’m trying to have days at home because my house has been left in such a state of disrepair due to his violent outbursts and financial manipulative abuse but my time is torn between college 5 days a week and having to help my daughter with my grandchildren.

I’ve tried talking to my family and explaining things to them but it makes me feel worse as it often ends in cross words or my Mum or daughter sulking and not talking to me unless I do what they want when they want me to do it. It ends up making me feel more alone than I did when I was in the relationship with my ex. All I asked for was one day at home out of the 4 I have off college for easter and it’s as though i’m not entitled to any me time. This morning my daughter asked me to have the kids for the day and I said I needed to spend some time at home to get things tidied up but she wasn’t pleased and got upset with me. Then she rung my Mum and had a moan to her and my Mum in turn had a go at me which has left me in a heap crying and unmotivated to anything again. I feel like i’m losing everything in one fail swoop. It’s gotten to the point i’m having to choose between paying the rent or buying food and heating to survive the month so i’m petrified i’m going to lose my home because I cannot focus on finding a job. Now it feels like i’m losing my family as well and I don’t know where to turn anymore

[KIP.]

It sounds like you’re beginning to recognise the signs of abuse in others. It wasn’t until I was out of my abusive relationship that I recognised abuse in those closest to me. I think that living with an abuser disguised their behaviour because I thought it was normal. It’s time to take back your life. Especially just now when you need time to yourself to pull yourself back together. If your daughter and mum don’t support you in this then it’s time to put some distance. This is the time you need to set boundaries and start concentrating on yourself x they are not your responsibility.

[freedomtochoose]

Hang in there lovely. Here is my advice. If it doesn’t help, please disregard it – no hard feelings at all here if you do, but it may help, if it is a bit random.

1. Anytime you need someone to talk, day or night, phone the Samaritans free on 116 123. You don’t have to be suicidal to do so, they will tell you that. They are not always brilliant at the aftermath of domestic abuse, but they will listen.

2. soon as you get back to college, (next Monday?) mobilise every bit of support you can. Free counselling? negotiations with personal tutor to get extensions on your college work? I am at college too and realise you can be proud of yourself for even trying. Please don’t give up on your dreams.

3. have a look at turntous the website to check benefits you may be entitled to a grant.

4. You ARE entitled to me time, consider if it is really necessary not answering the phone unless you really need to.

5. Don’t give up on college, please.

all best, we are with you in spirit.

[SunshineRainflower]

I second that it sounds like you need to set up and maintain boundaries with your family. We get so used to people close to us treating us a certain way that we think it’s normal and acceptable, but actually how your daughter and mother treated you is pretty unsupportive, inconsiderate, bullying and manipulative. You are 100% fully entitled to your own time and space, and are under no obligation whatsoever to care for your daughter’s children, they are her responsiblity and if you do look after them then it should be seen as a favour not an expectation.

Once you start setting boundaries and maintaining them you will feel a lot stronger and more at peace because it clears the toxic people away and keeps unsupportive people at arms length. Your family probably won’t like you setting boundaries at first because treating you this way has meant they get lots of free childcare for example, but most people learn to accept them and respect them and if they don’t then it’s important to put distance between you and them.

[Ayanna]

Wow, your family is terrible.
Why does your daughter not bring her kids to your mom? Your mom is obviously strong enough to tell you off.
You are fully entitled to have your me time and sort your house out and look for work.
You have to do this to survive.
You daughter could also pay a child minder.
You are not her slave for free childcare.

[Author]

Posts