16th April 2016 at 6:20 pm #14079
My husband told me he strangled me because he was drunk…
I have read Lundy Bancroft’s book over and over again, and every excuse the abusers use are being used by my own husband. I keep receiving threatening texts, I receive gaslighting, it’s everything and anything in about 2 minutes so you don’t know what you asked or what you talked about, it’s my fault all the time, it’s my attitude all the time, it’s not being allowed to ask for something or do something, the retaliation comes straight away. But to hear ”I strangled you because I was drunk” is too much for me.
He wasn’t drunk when he slapped me, he wasn’t drunk when he threw knives, he wasn’t drunk when he tried to ram my legs with the car…and the rest!
Suggesting couple counselling, a pure joke! He really believes this is the only solution!
When I was in the refuge I wrote on a diary all the things that happened in my life with him, which the book reminded me of, the list is enormous. I recently read again the paperwork my dv support worker gave me about ”myths about abuse”. It’s all bang on…
And I am financially cut off now but still expects me to food shop, cook etc. I get accused of wanting to control him. Really???? He is even jealous of the way I treat the children and tells me I am nasty to him…
16th April 2016 at 6:48 pm #14082godschildParticipant
Yes that book is excellent as Lundy tries to help these men and he knows all of the tactics etc, he explains so well, its a real eye opener.
Mine also thinks that couples councelling is the only solution, he goes on and one about it.
Its because they want to involve you and blame you and get the councelor to be on their side and councloors who are not trained in DV often site you as part of the issue and they walk away so chuffed that they were ight !!!!
They reverse all they do onto you.
Can relate to the gaslighting as well, I ask a simple question and end up listening to him going on from one thing to another and throwing red herrings across the path and you leave the room feeling you are crazy your head in a whirl its deliberate.
I have had the book some time but keep going back to it as there is so much info in it and each time I go back I see more and more relevant things, would love to make these men sit with lundy for a day, but many still stay in denial ans even turn on him or leave as they just won’t face their demons
16th April 2016 at 7:13 pm #14089KIP.Participant
It really angers me when they blame drink. My ex hoodwinked me for years with that one. Lots of men drink, lots of women drink, they don’t strangle their partners. And if he knew the drink would make him do that, then it’s his fault for drinking in the first place! Those books are great. I’m reading one written by an abuser. It’s honest and brutal but interesting to hear it from the other side.
“I am utterly indifferent to your welfare. Try divorcing me, I make agreements then break them. I am above even lawyers and judges” from the book but that describes my husband perfectly.
16th April 2016 at 7:43 pm #14091AyannaParticipant
Learn from the abusers and beat them with their own weapons.
Bring them to the ground! Destroy them!
Show them that they are nothing and that the woman is the victorious queen!
16th April 2016 at 9:29 pm #14102lover of no contactParticipant
You said it Ayanna! ‘Show them that they are nothing and that the woman is the victorious queen!’
In my church, I love the statue of Our Lady (one of her titles is Queen of Heaven). She stands beautiful and Majestic with Satan under her heel. She (the most beautiful of women) squashes the head abuser (the devil is a liar, manipulator, hater of all good, power crazy, wants to be equal with God and his favourite mantra is: I will not serve-just like his sons, our abusers…lol).
Our Lady, Queen of Heaven squashes the devil with her heel. We will squash our abusers with our heels (high heels lol).
Yes we actually are the Powerful ones, we have truth and goodness on our side. When we are weak we are strong because God stoops down to heal the broken hearted and bandage their wounds (us, victims of abuse). God has no time for the proud and the arrogant (abusers), but He comes to the aid of the weak and powerless and we can have access to His power.
Keep posting ladies and supporting each other, we won’t let our abusers ‘win’, cowardly bullies that they are. We will refuse to let the destroy our lives and the lives of our children. Onwards and upwards. Together we will make it, with our collective strength.
16th April 2016 at 9:56 pm #14105
I rang my mum today and told her I am lost, not knowing what decision to make. I have been feeling like this for so long now, it is becoming a joke to my own eyes. I am just a coward. I kept saying that at the refuge. I am a coward.
I was also told I apparently wrote I had a lover, he started looking at his texts to find the message. I think he has gone doolally. He is the one who accused me of this in the first place. I never wrote anything like this!!!!
The projections are done on me like beads on a string of peals, it’s one after the other. But I am silent most of the time, I manage not to react, I communicate so so so little. I do as if he wasn’t there at all. That infuriates him. So the times he texts with threats, pathetic comments to make me feel guilty etc are the times when things happen, or I have asked a question and it leads to him criticising me for organising things for myself, though I am checking what we are doing on such and such a date, the slightest thing and he tells me that I should be able to see how little I have changed, he really feels threatened, controlled by me etc. He even cries (for a few seconds but he cries…)
The way he has of expecting me to change and bow down, prove I am different, I get accused of not having changed…
I find the whole scenario weird and disturbing to experience. He definitely tries to project guilt onto me. I do understand what you say Godschild about counselling and trying to get us involved in the blame. I think he has also done so much damage to my reputation and character when speaking to social services I no longer wish to see any of their employees. I protect myself because I have come back from the refuge a different person, more composed, stronger, able to understand what has and is happening and Ayanna I do want to beat this man at his abuse with his own weapons. I want to be able to ignore him and live my life even if he has cut me off finances, criticises me, uses my friends against me and tries to get a reaction out of me. I MUST stay calm and avoid him. It’s like applying the policy of no contact while living together. The only thing is we have children in our home and they know things are not normal. I do worry what this is doing to them, living like this, and I worry about what he says to them, how he pollutes their minds. He describes how I am so nice to them and how I speak in a nice way to them but treat him in a terrible way. I have tried to make an effort and to joke and make the odd comment about something funny or pleasant, asking if he wants a cuppa but it all falls on deaf ears so I don’t bother any more. I don’t even look at him and when I can’t avoid it he looks at me with nasty eyes.
I am told I mess about with his mental health, I perturb the children, I am the same person causing the same problems. That’s when he cries. I walk away and keep busy.
I have nowhere to hide or to be safe. That makes me feel nervous. I do wonder what would happen if I needed to get away. He has managed to change locks on particular rooms (can’t say which ones) and I have no chance of being able to keep my documents, my paperwork, my handbag, my dv documents anywhere, nor my money. I live everyday transporting things around in hiding, I have some items stored at my friends’, I know he is a wizz kid at computers, he administrates every single one in the house. He has made comments about things I have obviously removed, hidden. He communicates only in texts, sends emails. Pointless talking to him anyway.
At the end of my phone conversation with my mum, I did tell her I will have to eventually decide and take a leap of faith, this can’t carry on. I came back to face things, to feel prepared and decisive. I leave time to test the situation and guide me. It is so heartbreaking, so difficult, so frightening. I want my kids to stay with me but they are his weapon, and that I cannot control other than by being the best mum I can be, not the person who nearly lost her mind a few months ago. I cannot afford to be in that state any more.
16th April 2016 at 10:42 pm #14112godschildParticipant
Bridget Jones id free. I get told over and over that I am not changing, that I need to change even last year when he went for a few weeks “councelling ” he said that I was snot changing, its crazy how they think.
I also get the projection on me, so so many. Also told that he feels threatened by me and how HE is not safe. He even went as far as asking for safeguarding from SS but then he dropped it as there was no reason he could make up, even hoodwinked the police, that he was the victim but it all came to nought
I am unable to leave due to disabilities, but I left emotionally around Christmas and he can see im not tolerating him and im stronger most of the time in my stance towards him they hate it, they feel threatened because they have lost that out right control of us.
They talk nonsence, they do not see the truth of the situaton they live in denial.
Patricia Evans has written some very good books and she says we live in reality one ( normnal ) they live in reality 2 (abnormal )
Unless you have lived in it you cannot explain their crazy behaviour well , but I know exactlu what you are saying
16th April 2016 at 10:51 pm #14115AyannaParticipant
Get a postbox for your documents. You can google them. Some shops make money with post boxes. He will never find out. They are not even expensive.
Yes, you need to hold yourself together now. It is an inhuman task, but you have to.
Is it worth that?
What would happen if you just left for good? Before that you tell your children what is going on.
17th April 2016 at 6:45 pm #14262
Godschild and Ayanna, it is good to read your posts because I am totally lost today, even more than yesterday.
After another out pour of how I am not changing, how threatened he feels etc (all the things you describe right down to using SS and the police too!) he became all sweet today, he did x, y and z, all the things that need to be done, right down to talking to me nicely, (though it is me who can’t be loving and falsely thankful because I just can’t switch off my guard) and he told me how sorry he is, he says he means it and went to ask for a kiss. I just couldn’t. I am meant to accept the ”sorry” and move on playing happy family.
So tomorrow it will be difficult to explain to the new dv support worker I am meeting for the first time, how things really are. His attitude today caused me to feel like it is all my fault, it creates doubts in my head as per usual. Is this the start of another cycle of abuse? I did all my chores today and looked after the needs of my family and did a few bits just for me. But I find it incomprehensible to see how up to yesterday he was one negative person and today he is Mr Right!
I feel even more like a fraud. It destabilises me completely. I saw a friend and I told her about his attitude recently and today’s attitude…She herself feels thrown back, telling me to keep my chin up and live one day at a time. After all I came back to see how it goes. I had to be with my children. I had to help them, go back to work, regain some control of my life instead of living in a refuge where nothing moved forward including me.
I have to constantly remind myself of what I have lived. I have become numbed in my head. Even at the refuge I felt the same, his texts creating absolutely no response from me other than a mild form of mockery, my only defence mechanism. I feel stupid to have to meet another dv support lady, explain things I can’t explain any more at times, I have his recent texts but they don’t even create in me the reaction they create in other people. I am desensitised. Tomorrow will feel strange and I will feel like I am wasting people’s time and resources. Decades of this and you become like an armoured tank.
I will just have to go and meet this lady, and see what she says. I feel bad for accepting to have another referral after coming back from the refuge. I feel nothing else but shame.
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