Everything

[Starmoon]

I imagine alot of this (if not all) will be removed… sorry ill not to be too specific but i need to get this all out of my system…
Good until i miscarried.. dumped me (detail removed by moderator) while i was nearly dying in hpspital.
Got a job away,
I went to visit and he i got a little upset having sex- not long after the miscarriage. He got angry, we argued, he said it was over, i tried to stop him walking out, pinned me up against the door and bruised my chest, made me feel it was all my fault then avoided spending any time alone with me and even said he didnt want to because id spoilt things. I read msgs on his computer to another girl.
The next time i visited, i hardly saw him, he always came back drunk, got annoyed when i asked about it then eventually left me (detail removed by moderator) Made promises of a big proposal but (detail removed by moderator) didnt even tell his family.
(detail removed by moderator) he called off the engagment after id already put a deposit on a dress and asked him lots of times if he was sure about making plans. He called it off saying we should see how things went when he was home, then he changed his mind again and told me to carry on with plans. When he came bk home, he walked out and dumped me over many things then got another job away when i was pregnant, when i tried to talk to him about not wanting to move to where he was he dumped me again.
Then he came back and dumped me many more times. He accused me of cheating and smashed up my things. By the time baby was due i was a mess. Believed it must be all my fault and begged him back. Didnt dare put a foot wrong. Even felt i had to have sex soon after baby was born. He asked me to marry him again after she was born, i planned wedding, my parents paid for it all. He started going out until the early hours then when i started standing up for myself again he got violent, pushed me, put his hands around my throat, threw things at me and spat at me.. each time i took him back, then eventually he moved out again when baby was still tiny. I was a mess, begged him back again… so many more ups and downs. He took me away  (detail removed by moderator) took me out for a meal, said i was ungrateful, abandoned me in the middle of the city, i went bk to the hotel, we argued, he held my face, hit my head off a wall, dragged me off the bed, spat at me, threw a glass at me then left with my phone. I called the police- he was arrested.
Didnt talk for months then i take him bk when charges are dropped threw lack of evidence, he strangles me again, dumps me and abandones me a few more times on nights out, dumps me hust before a family holiday, i take him back. Then he dumps me (detail removed by moderator) And he says me being pregnant was the last straw for him.
I know thats all my perception of things but surely the way he acted wasnt rite? Im sure i cant be that bad

[Anewbreath]

Oh Starmoon, your partner has put you through so much. I am 100% sure you are not that bad. Your ex has problems that have nothing to do with you or your actions towards him. And yes his actions are not right. Abuse is never right. And that is what he did to you- he physically, emotionally and psychologically abused you. Kudos to you for calling the police when he did those bad things to you. You were very courageous to do that. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to chat with someone from the helpline?

[KIP.]

He is a classic abuser who gets his thrills from the power he has over you. This push and pull tactic is very common. You did nothing wrong. His blaming you is yet another abuser tactic. He has put you and your family through hell. A very twisted sadistic individual. Kick him out your life once and for all. I once read that abusers only want to get near us to slap us again. Mentally or physically.

[Starmoon]

I did call the help line a few years ago but as lovely as they were, i get the impression they are there to point you to where you can gwt further help. The only thing available locally (if it still is im not sure) is the fredome program. I went along to one session when i was pregnant with my youngest and sadly i came away feeling very much like he wasnt abusive as i couldnt relate to any of the black and white examples… i was too scared to go again as i felt such a fraud. I dont know anyone els whos felt that way about it so its really made me feel hes not an abuser. Years down the line ive tried reading the book again thinking i may be in a different place, but i still really struggle to get any comfort from it

[Lisa]

Hi Starmoon,

I am sorry that you are feeling so confused and overwhelmed at the moment. Please know that none of what your partner did to you was your fault. You did nothing wrong and you are not to blame. Your partner put you through a cycle of abuse emotionally and physically and made you feel so unsure of yourself you feel that you must be partly to blame but that is not true. He choose to abuse you because he wanted that power and control over you. You can phone the helpline at any time, it can be easier to get through after 7pm and the helpline can offer you lots of advice and support and perhaps think again about the freedom program. You may not have been ready but you can go back any time and hopefully you will find it helpful and supportive.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Anewbreath]

Hi Starmoon
Going to that session held by the freedom program was very brave and smart of you. Even though you felt it was not right for you I am glad you have not stopped in your search for help. Do not stop. Keep trying. You and children deserve to be happy and safe. Happiness and safety are your rights as a human being. I can guarantee you there was nothing you did to deserve your ex’s abuse and there was nothing you could have done to prevent his actions. Normal healthy men do not hit, strangle, spit or cheat on their women. His behaviour is all about his own sickness.

[SunshineRainflower]

Wow Starmoon, that sounds absolutely horrendous what he has put your through. Just to clarify, your ex is extremely abusive and you endured a huge amount of abuse. Often we can’t see it ourselves, lots of us feel like frauds (I do regularly) and we always think what other women went through was much worse or that we deserved it or that we somehow caused it. This is exactly what the abuser trains us to think. Your abuser has worn down your self esteem so badly that you felt you couldn’t live without him despite all of his horrific abuse. My abuser never escalated his abuse to the level you have endured and was never violent like that, and I still struggle with it daily, so I can’t imagine how hard it must be dealing with this.

Definitely try the helpline again, see what you think. I also think counselling sounds like it would help. I get the impression from your post that you don’t value yourself very much and think you perhaps think deserved what he did to you which is common with survivors. You didn’t deserve any of what he did and deserve so, so, so much more. Maybe before you were not ready before but if you revisisted the course, the books and helpline it might feel different this time. You could also ask for an outreach worker to talk to about what happened? I also went to only one session of a course because I didn’t feel good being there, but I might go again in future. In the meantime there are lots of great resources online that can help plus the services and counselling etc.

[Starmoon]

Thank you so much as ever for all your replies and suggestions for help. There isnt outreach workers available here but i have had counselling in the past and will do again… when he was arrested and we had the long period of time apart, it seemed easier for me to move on, because he wasnt allowed to contact me and i was (almost) sure he was wrong for how he treated me. Now hes got away with everything and even sees the children every week, he plays mr reasonable and im left feeling like the one in the wrong because he is so perfect in every other aspect of his life

[Starmoon]

Also, how can i ever know i didnt deserve it. He ways told me he loved me but i made things so imposible and was hell to be with which is why he left me. There must be some truth in that. I naybe didnt deserve the violence but perhaps anyone would lose their rag eventually being with me

[Anewbreath]

Hi Starmoon
That is great news you are going to start back counselling. Everything you ex told you was a lie. He said he loved you but love doesnt involve beatings. His sick version of love has nothing to do with who you are. He said you are hell to be around but he keeps coming back to you, and even now he is still around you, acting like he is Mr.Reasonable. If you were as bad as he claims, he would have arranged 3rd party involvement in your child custody agreement, so he wouldn’t have to see you. The man tells a lot of lies. Do not believe a single thing he says right now. Because he is sick.
When we care about certain people we tend to believe the things they say much more than if a stranger said the same thing. That man has slowly worn down your mental and emotional health by telling you repeatedly that you are hell to be with. He said those things constantly so you would start to believe him, and subsequently be grateful that he was willing to put up with you. The real truth however is that he should be more than grateful you put up with him. This is why you felt better when he was arrested. Because you didnt have to deal with his sickness. I hope you can work towards getting him out of your life as much as possible again. Everyone deserves happiness, safety and healthy relationships.

[KIP.]

Starmoon. It’s never the victims fault. He is the abuser. Here is your new mantra. “Domestic abuse, there’s never an excuse” x
Do something really nice for yourself today. Concentrate on your own healing. Put an elastic band on your wrist and every time your thoughts drift to him and negativity. Give the band a good ping. 👏👍

[SunshineRainflower]

This is why I think counselling would really help you, to shift those negative beliefs about yourself which are simply untrue, but I they become so deeply ingrained and abuse makes them ten times worse that they can be hard to shift alone. Therapy will definitely help, with the right therapist who understands abuse.

Abusers lie to us and tell us we are the problem, that nobody else will love us, which I think I remember your ex saying about why your previous relationships had ended. It is so cruel and a clever trick that keeps us trapped with them in fear. My ex used to imply that I was mentally ill and that he ‘wanted to help me.’ I too believed him but in time started to notice things not adding up and caught him in lies. I then started to realise he was gaslighting you, which is what your ex did telling you it’s all your fault.

Abusers are great at appearing to be Mr Perfect, it’s part of their toolkit. My ex also appears to be Mr Perfect, has a good job and a lovely place and is on good terms with his family while I struggled to find a place to rent and have currently no job due to problems with panic attacks and anxiety. That’s what’s so frustrating for the victims, they inflict huge damage on us whilst being unscathed themselves so we are left looking like the crazy ones. Did you read any of the books on domestic abuse like Why Does He Do That? And the Pat Craven resources too. I think once you step further out of the fog you will start to see the picture more clearly, see how you are a worthy valuable human being, he is an abuser and you didn’t deserve any of it.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Starmoon,
Sorry you’re so confused and that you’ve been through so much. I agree with everything the other ladies have said:
You’re not bad/to blame
You’re not the one who’s hell to live with
You do deserve so much better
You do need help to see these things because that’s what they do. Brainwash us. I started writing everything down, research abuse online etc. I saw the similarities but still couldn’t believe it. I think the truth is I couldn’t cope with realising I’d been through such hell, tried so hard, and when he said I was the problem because of my mental health issues, I believed him.
Going to counselling and talking to the ladies on the helpline has made me realise that my mental health issues have been caused by him. He tells me constantly I’m paranoid to the point I actually started believing it. Thanks to a brilliant counsellor I realised he was just an evil man purposely trying to crush me because my counsellor was making me stronger and he was afraid I’d tell about the abuse (I didn’t even realise it was abuse at the time) Starmoon, I know how hard it is to let go of the illusion that he’s created, Mr Perfect with the immaculate image for everyone else. Try doing what I did and imagine that he is an abuser for a moment. Now think about an incident seeing if it possible that he had a bad motive, If a bad person might do or say that and why- to make you weaker, to punish you or something. I was shocked at how many times I could apply that thinking. Then there’s the jeckell and Hyde syndrome to deal with. If I can only keep his bad side away, because I still love the good side! The truth is that the Good side is just the mask they use to lure us in/back. It takes time for it to all sink in and you ask yourself if you really are paranoid after all. That’s when you ring the brilliant ladies on the helpline. Like you I felt like such a fraud at first, but they told me to feel free to use them as a sounding board when I started doubting myself. They listen to my concerns about whether it is abuse or not etc – has been ever time so far!
Keep reaching out, keep reading the posts on here, ring the helpline for advice, to help you clarify your foggy, fuzzy thoughts. Get counselling if you can that really helps me and stay strong, keep yourself and children safe. Hugs

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