ex bullying about finances and residence

[Indiamalachite]

Help, I think you will know best way to progress. If an ex is bullying you and saying child should go down as living with him and he should get benefits, who is best to speak to? baby is totally happy with mum and seeing dad often but every time there is a handover he is bullying about the money saying she should live with him, he should get the money and being really scary. He drinks a lot of alcohol, has been violent in the past and is really emotionally abusive and controlling but no police record of this. Is it best to speak to a solicitor or citizens advice and how is it possible to manage this? He is on birth certificate xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Indiamalachite,

I would get onto womens aid they can point you in the right direction as well as offer you some advice for contact. It sounds to me like you may possibly need a middle ground for handing baby over, is there someone who could do it for you? so it takes the pressure off and stops him being able to bully you.

[KIP.]

Phone rights for women for free legal advice. Is there a third party that can act as a go between for hand overs so that you do not have to have any contact with him. Someone that he can email or text and can pass on any relevant information to you. The advice on here is always to have court ordered visitation so that your abuser cannot mess you about or use the children to control you. Did you tell anyone about his violence. Was there doctors reports etc. It’s not too late to go and confide in your GP. In fact I would definately advise that you do this. Tell your GP that his behaviour is affecting your mental health. Most solicitors offer a half hour free consultation if you’d prefer that.

[Serenity]

Don’t believe his rubbish. He’s spouting nonsense, even if he had the knack of making the threat sound rational and real.

He sounds like my horrible ex: no concern for the child’s welfare: he merely wants to line his pockets.

Beware in court if he tries to argue for having your child more than three days a week. Anything over three, he doesn’t need to pay Child Maintenance. Many try this ( predictable lot).

Let him take it to court. No court will allow a baby to live apart from its mother unless there are risks involved. Log incidents to support your case with as much concrete evidence possible. Date it.

For your own peace of mind, contact Women’s Aid and also the NSPCC helpline. The NSPCC were fantastic in giving me reassurance and direction.

You are your baby’s protector and the most important person in their life. Don’t let him make you doubt your importance- or the court’s appreciation of your important role.

My ex told me that I could go off and leave him with the children and he ‘wouldn’t ask me for anything.’ This was a complete negation of my importance as a mother, meant to make me feel worthless and to ensure he got the property!
Well, the courts simply berated him for his disgusting attitude towards me.

x

[Suntree]

Senerity, unless things have changed child maintenance is paid to the person who gets the child benefit. That child may live with you all the time but if it the child benefit is goes to them so does the maintenance. It is worked out and then a reduction is made for the amount of nights they spend with the person paying per month.
However just because someone is told to pay doesn’t mean they do.

I had the ex try his hardest to take the kids off me and what was given was joint residency. This was too much for him to handle so it and slowly he reduced with excuses the amount of time he had with them until he has no time at all.

He thought he would get the house, the money etc and his weekends free. The reality was completely different. I wish the courts listened to me though because we said this would happen.

[Serenity]

PS : If he does take it to court, don’t worry. Mine did. The NSPCC advised me that formalised, court-ordered contact would give him less opportunity to abuse me and that it would allow me to report any concerns in the future. It also allows you less contact- less need for discussion, etc.

[Indiamalachite]

Thanks everyone, really useful advice. <3

[Serenity]

Sun Tree,

Yes, my ex thought that he could take my child benefit too – he ‘told’ me I should give him half ; if he’d got my kids to stay with him most days, he would have tried to bully me into handing the benefit over.

I researched it, and we are protected. The child benefit is normally in the mother’s be, and it is up to us if we give any of it away or put it in anyone else’s name.

My ex never paid for anything for my kids over the years, and he wouldn’t if he got money for them. He’d take great delight in not using it for the kids. He gets high on fleecing others, I now know.

Ladies, never let your abuser bully you into taking your name off child benefit. If they do this, their plan is to fleece you and your kids of what is rightfully given to you by the state to ensure your basic and continued well-being and growth. If you relinquish child benefit, you won’t be entitled to the maintenance either.

There is a reduction in maintenance as you say, depending on the amount of nights they stay with the other parent. I was told that I’d he had the kids more than three days ( i.e. 4 days), the amount he’d to give would be hugely reduced. I looked this up as I was very interested to know why my ex, who told my eldest he never wanted him and wanted him to die, suddenly wanted him to live with him 4 days a week.

My ex vowed he wouldn’t give me a penny. I went through Child Maintenance and he’s being forced to now.

[Author]

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