Ex dating someone new

[BakingQueen]

Hi ladies,

I just need to get this off my chest.

I didn’t break up with my ex that long ago and he appears to have already jumped into bed with someone else.

My son has mentioned her name a few times after spending his allocated weekends there and I think I know who she is (I’ve met her a few times before the break up) but they didn’t really talk that much that I knew of.

Anyway, she’s been spending the night there when my son has stayed over and my son has even been dragged out the house in pj’s so my ex can drop his new gf to work. Who does that?

I can’t seem shake that feeling of wanting his new relationship to be a train wreck so other people can see the kind of person he is. Is that bad? I don’t want her to have to experience abuse, no one deserves that but how else will he realise that it’s not everyone else it’s him that’s the problem, if the rest of his relationships work out fine.

It’s so annoying because I don’t want to be with him and I don’t actually care who he dates but there is a part of me that wants him to be exposed, that the mask will fall off quicker this time so people around him can start to see what is truly is.

How have you guys dealt with this situation. I hope you don’t think I’m a horrible person.

I know what happened to me was real, I don’t doubt the abuse but I just want to shout from the rooftops what he did to me and our son. I want all his friends and family to know (Detail removed by moderator) he really is. But at the same time what good does that do me as I’ll just be starting a battle I’d rather not have.

Thanks for listening.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi BakingQueen,

I think how you’re feeling is completely normal. I saw my ex on a dating site and it really set me back, despite knowing he is an abuser, because part of me is still mourning the fake him and the fake relationship I had with him which at the time I thought was wonderful. I’d still feel sick if I thought he was dating someone else, which he probably has been for ages because he seems to cheat a lot and overlap partners, but seeing it and hearing about it would make me feel horrendous as I’m still not fully healed from it all.

It must also be difficult knowing your son is around her and she’s getting involved with his life, I think you’re actually being very calm and level headed about it. We are so hard on ourselves, it is absolutely ok to feel rubbish about all of it because these men have wronged us, of course we don’t want to see them running off into the sunset living happily ever after with a perfect new partner. I also know what you mean about how it makes them appear ‘normal’ and like we are the crazy ones who imagined it. It’s all part of the abuser toolkit, gaslighting to create a perfect mask to fool the world.

The reality is she is probably and sadly in for abuse like you experienced, as these men are incapable of love and always repeat the same pattern. Have you got a counsellor to talk things through? It sounds like getting it all out would help with an abuse-trained therapist, they can really help validate your experience.

[BakingQueen]

Sunshinerainflower,

Thanks for what you’ve said. I appreciate the kind words. Nice to know what I’m feeling is normal.

It actually doesn’t bother me that she’s in his life. Not quite sure why. I think maybe I don’t think it’ll last because I know the person he is being now is fake or the fact that I know my bond with my son is really strong, I know she can’t replace me. Maybe because I don’t want him and so I don’t feel that jealousy as some people might. To me, he’s a train wreck. It’s only a matter of time I think before his mask slips.

I wish you good luck on your healing journey. I hope you get to a stage where these types of feelings lessen and it has less of an effect. The main thing is you know you won’t go back there wasn’t that in itself is progress.

I’ve sought counselling before and found out very useful. Thankfully I was given a clean bill of mental health. That made me realise how resilient I really am. I’d look at having some more therapy though just so I have an outlet. Thank goodness for this website and the helpline.

[BakingQueen]

Sunshinerainflower,

Thanks for what you’ve said. I appreciate the kind words. Nice to know what I’m feeling is normal.

It actually doesn’t bother me that she’s in his life. Not quite sure why. I think maybe I don’t think it’ll last because I know the person he is being now is fake or the fact that I know my bond with my son is really strong, I know she can’t replace me. Maybe because I don’t want him and so I don’t feel that jealousy as some people might. To me, he’s a train wreck. It’s only a matter of time I think before his mask slips.

I wish you good luck on your healing journey. I hope you get to a stage where these types of feelings lessen and it has less of an effect. The main thing is you know you won’t go back there wasn’t that in itself is progress.

I’ve sought counselling before and found out very useful. Thankfully I was given a clean bill of mental health. That made me realise how resilient I really am. I’d look at having some more therapy though just so I have an outlet. Thank goodness for this website and the helpline.

[Surviving]

I know how you feel. Sounds a bit like my situatiin. A week after we separated he was with another girl who we knew but had nothing to do with. My older kids were not happy because instead of helping to support them through the break up he was too busy chasing his next bit of skirt.
I didnt care he got with her. Shocked it dontbtake long but I didn’t want him. I was lucky to get rid finally. All I cared about is that he didn’t care about the kids feelings. He tryed to push her onto them straight away which only pushed his kids away from him. He only saw the kids 1 day week so he could have dated the other 6 days.
I too keep hoping they fall apart but only so they can see it’s him. I can’t help but feel why should he be so happy straight away after making mine and the kids so s**t. He moved on but won’t let us move on constantly wanting to text and email and what’s app. I started a contact book but he kept it and don’t use it.

[MsTaken]

Wow I’m going through the same. This new girlfriend is making it look like I was the bad one. I’m not jealous of her but yes, part of me does want the relationship to completely fail. I do worry about him doing to her what he did to me but she’s not going to listen to anything I say so there’s no point in me trying. He’s played the victim to her like a true professional. My kids do say they argue alot and things which part of me enjoys to hear, is that bad? However when she’s at his he can’t emotionally abuse our kids so she does have some benefit to being there. At the moment I’m just left feeling like I should be able to just broadcast what he’s done all over the internet. I mean it’s not really fair that I’m left doing therapy whilst he’s just moved on to his next squeeze

[BakingQueen]

Gosh, this is clearly more common than I realised.

You know, I dont for one second think he is happy. In fact he has been constantly running away from all his problems since I have known him, escapism is the only way he can cope with his existence. This poor girl is just a distraction so he doesn’t feel lonely. I am sure he is spinning her all kinds of pity stories about how I have ruined his life. It’s sad.

Surviving, I dont like the fact he isn’t respecting your contact book. Too desperate to have control. It’s a shame he hasnt put the children first. Sounds like my ex, claiming to be dad of the year but actually only cares about himself and oblivious to that fact.

MsTaken, I feel the same way. Since my son has been mentioning her, my ex appears to be taking better care of him. Actually waking up to feed him rather than sleeping all morning. I have asked him if she is nice to him or makes him feel sad and he said she is nice. If its the person I think it is, I surprised but she does seem decent enough. I admit, if my son said they were arguing a part of me would be glad.

I feel in time I will want to share my story on social media. This forum has showed me how prevalent all types of domestic abuse is and if it helps just one of my friends to notice the signs and get out, I’m happy to take the backlash of my ex’s mates (who I still have on social media) knowing the real him.

Thanks for sharing ladies. I feel normal 🙂

[MsTaken]

Oh and he’s been told to use contact book (Detail removed by moderator) but he seems to keep losing that too

[Surviving]

Yep they don’t like the contact book

[Iwon]

That’s funny about the contact book. He won’t use it but actually I am past caring. He has had a gf fairly quickly. (Detail removed by moderator) It was awful. (Detail removed by moderator) I think he does it for attention.

I had to move my son (Detail removed by moderator). She is awful and joins in with his attacks and false accusations and unpleasant text. She did actually make me smile. She used to say your just jealous. He treats me like a princess…… to your face he does.

I ignore it all. Block them. I hate to say it but they have been together for (Detail removed by moderator) years. I know you want him exposed to validate you but really you know the truth.

I thank God he met her because it means he has less time to stalk and harass us. It gives him something to focus on.

These men can not be alone. They are empty shells. That poor girl could be anyone. She is no better or worse than you. They do not change…. different woman same abuse.

Ignore ignore ignore him.

[itmustbemesurely]

same here, I don’t want him, I hate him but I crave the man he was in the beginning – like he is now treating this new girl who is half my age. I want them both to suffer, lead miserable sad lives, but they won’t – not yet. So i have to go out and make my own fun, start again, but like you he is putting her ahead of his children and that hurts. I too want to broadcast what he has done all over social media, he lost our home, we could be homeless in (Detail removed by moderator) yet he is out having a great time with a young woman showering her with love and affection – it sticks in my throat…not sure how I get over that!

[BakingQueen]

Iwon,

From the advice from one of the lovely ladies on here, I have gone no contact with him. Best choice I made. Remove the control.

You are right, I guess by me wanting to share I am still attempting to validate it actually happened. When I know it happened. He knows it happened (except he is in denial about it).

It’s a shame about your child. I cant even believe another woman would actually be that way to a child. Some people just don’t have a kind bone in their body. Sadly she has no idea what is coming her way. Slowly but surely. And with an attitude like that, Karma will kick her good.

[BakingQueen]

Itmustbemesurly,

In time you will come to terms with the fact that the person you met first wasn’t real. They don’t exist in your ex. They do exist in another nice man somewhere, but not in him.

I think it is worth remember that deep down these people aren’t happy. It is all a show and I for one don’t fall for it. My ex got a nice new car after we broke up and guess who can’t afford to make the payments? It’s sad. I admit it makes me happy knowing he is struggling. It’s like he was trying to show me what I was missing but I certainly don’t want him anymore. Waste of his time and poor for his credit rating.

Hang in there my love. It will get easier. I hope in time you do find a nice man who wont have you walking on eggshells and making you feel c**p about yourself. Heal and move on. x

[MsTaken]

It is hard. They go on holidays, eat out and buy new things all the time. Meanwhile me and our kids have been homeless and can barely afford basic things we need to keep up with school and occasions. I know he’s lying to her because if I got with a man who was leaving his kids without food or clothes then I’d tell him to honour his responsibilities atleast for the kids sake. And I know he’s showing her the contact book that I’ve had to recently buy again! He rights so different in the book to what he does when he’s at my door or harassing me by text. But he’s got a way of digging at me in the book that when it’s read by someone else it looks like a nice concerned dad. It’s driving me crazy! Everyone keeps telling me now he’s with someone new he’ll change. He’s not physically abusive anymore and he treats the kids a bit better but he’s still verbally horrible and refuses to pay maintenance even tho he’s in an extremely well paid job and he still phones everyone I know convincing them I’m mad. I just don’t understand why she can’t see it. My kids have started saying she does everything for him. Cooking, cleaning, running errands whilst he’s working. That’s how he started with me and I lost my career and friends in the end. I wish I could blast it all over social media but he’d probably have a come back that’s ten times worse leaving me in another mess

[BakingQueen]

Exactly. I don’t quite understand how a woman can get with someone who doesn’t give a d**n about their own kids. How can you sit by and watch someone put you before his own flesh and blood? For the new lady it probably feels good because she feels special, but really it just shows how he will be if she was in that same situation and she wouldn’t enjoy that at all.

Sadly, as we all know, it’s only a matter of time before he starts again and of course it will be so subtle they don’t even see it happening. I’m so glad you are out. I hope he doesn’t ever come back and pester you again MsTaken.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Same thing happened to me. (Detail removed by moderator) after his arrest he was sleeping with someone else, and very happy to tell all our mutual friends about her in front of me. (Detail removed by moderator) after release (he was still on bail!) and he is posting pictures of their dates on social media. I still love him, so I find it very painful, but I also want to warn her how bad he really is! It also just shows there was never any real love from his side. If you move on that quickly, you never really cared at all. At least you (and I) know that they really weren’t ever going to change into the person you want them to be.

Sending you lots of strength – you are not alone!

[Author]

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