Ex has new partner

[cakepops]

I found out on the grapevine that my ex has had a new partner for a while now – the first I have known about since our separation. I am not overly surprised as such (we’ve been separated quite a long time now), but it’s added a new layer of worry to an already horrendous situation of dealing with (detail removed by Moderator), his false allegations to professionals, and major issues with our kids after contact.

Initially I thought it might be a good thing to distract him, but actually he has been worse recently not better. I worry he will end up being abusive in front of the kids again, that he’ll use her as yet another flying monkey etc (I am aware she has already been looking at my (detail removed by Moderator) account).

I am trying to be pragmatic about it all, but there’s also a small part of me that thinks it’s really unfair he gets to move on and be (supposedly) all loved up and happy and yet I’m struggling with recovering from dv and all the ongoing issues. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for another relationship again. I also don’t like the idea of someone in my kids life that I am unlikely to ever know much about.

Any advice?

[KIP.]

He hasnt moved on and he isn’t happy or neither of them would still be interested in you and your life. Time to tighten up security on all social media or come off it all together. Absolutely zero contact and use a third party for all contact regarding kids. Don’t give him a response, that’s what he’s counting on. Use the eagerly worrying about what may happen to prevent it happening. Being proactive helps us feel in control. As for the kids being around strangers all you can do is talk to them and teach them boundaries and skills to deal with things that will come up. To be there consistently for them to listen, protect and resssure, it’s good you’re not interested in a new relationship yet, we need time to heal and learn and be able to make good choices. To take the time to spend with our kids and strengthen them x good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Diverdi]

I’ve not had to face this yet but one thing I wondered. I read about people whose partner has died, it says those who had a happy marriage look to get a new partner, wanting to recreate the same happiness, whereas those who were unhappy prefer to stay single.
He gained a lot through his marriage to you, and is now looking for someone else to provide for him. You however are sensible, taking your time to heal, and not wanting to rush in and risk getting in with an abuser again.

[Sunshines]

I’m dreading this as I think he will do this quickly to provoke. I think sometimes they get into another relationship because they want to provoke someone they’ve abused. It could be designed to make you react.
If he’s happy who cares he will only do to her what he’s done to you. They’ll have a honey moon period then it will all get real.

I’d educate your children on expected behaviour and make sure the communication is completely open so your children can report anything they see or hear they don’t like.
Another thing I worry about they are abusers they don’t just completely stop. It’s far more complex than that xx

[Scottish Thistle]

Cakepops I was like you thinking my ex had a new girlfriend he’d want to get things moving with us – he hadn’t collected his belongings or sorted out the house or divorce at that point, but no it made his attitude and behaviour worse, that much so my solicitor feared for my safety and resulting at the (detail removed by moderator) the police, domestic abuse team and woman’s aid were heavily involved with me. It is all calm for the moment but I’m anticipating him starting up again in the next few weeks (it’s his cycle time) We are so different me and his new thing but things I’ve heard he does on the grapevine is like he is trying to continue our relationship through her and her kids, stupid things to the outside world but to me it’s trying to pull me down.

It annoys him that I have blocked all contact and to me it’s the best thing I ever did.

[gettingtired]

Hey, sorry to hear about your situation.
I don’t feel like I can give great advice as I’m still not out myself but I can understand why you’re feeling it’s so unfair he has a new relationship, is supposedly all loved up whilst you’re still battling through the aftermath of abuse. I worry about the same thing; that he’ll end up with a lovely, new girlfriend and they’ll live happily in his home, reaping the benefits of his privileged life whilst I’m back living at home with parents, lonely and struggling with mental health issues.
The reality is the abusers will never be truly happy in whatever relationship they’re in (wish I could listen to my own advice!). Things may seem wonderful now but the new girlfriend will sadly get the same treatment and probably worse sooner or later.
My relationship felt like heaven at first; I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. Having a boyfriend who was so physically affectionate in public and so cute online for everyone to see. So thoughtful and loving. Now years later I’m feeling trapped and never imagined I would fall victim to this.
Sorry if I’ve rambled on.
Things will definitely get better for you and you could meet someone lovely and non-abusive eventually once you’ve done all your healing. Take care xx

[cakepops]

That’s the sort of thing I am worried about. In the time he’s known her he’s reported two very serious false allegations about me, and a whole endless string of minor ones. His behaviour has been much much more unpredictable.

[cakepops]

You are so right – he is very unlikely to be happy. After all, if he was he would be focusing on her and not causing issues with me. I just feel so very sorry for her, as he’ll reel her in with lovebombing like he did to me, and she’ll feel like the luckiest women alive. Then the huge probability is that it will all go downhill rapidly.

[cakepops]

Thanks, it’s nice to have people who understand all the complicated feelings involved in it all.

Ex actually emailed me (detail removed by Moderator) saying our kids are being introduced to his partner and her children (detail removed by Moderator). Poor kids don’t even know he has a partner, and it’s been a rough week (detail removed by Moderator) so seems very bad timing.

I was feeling better about it all, but now I just feel really drained and worried. With me he pushed our relationship really really fast and seemed like an amazing person. I’ve noticed he’s gone back to some of the traits/interests etc (e.g. how he dresses) that he pretended to have when we were just getting together – almost like he’s replicating the start of our relationship. It’s really really odd.

[KIP.]

My ex did the same. Each relationship is just a copy of the last one. Suck you in. Abuse you. He’s telling you this to get under your skin. He’s hoping you will share information too about any new partner. Ignore his nonsense x can you use a third party for all contact and cut him out the loop.

[Author]

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