Ex hasn't brought our child back home

[Oliverainbow]

Evening all and thank you for all the support I have recieved in previous posts. I am back again, as I feel I have nowhere else to turn.

I left my emotionally abusive relationship but since then the control has carried on (detail removed by moderator) down the line. The prior major incident I was taking my kids abroad and a few days before we flew out he decided to book a ticket and come and I believe this was becaue he found out the week before that I had gone on a date. Whilst being away he was trying to put his arm round me and walk and even asked me to give him another child. This is even though he is seeing someone else.

(detail removed by moderator) Since then contact has been minimal, only in regards to him telling me when he is collecting our son.

A few months later I tried to apply for support financially from an external service and was told I have to show that I am receiving all available income so becaue he hasn’t paid any money towards our son (detail removed by moderator) i had to make a claim to the CMA as i am struggling not being able to work and also paying nursery fees which he refused to help with. He has not replied to any correspondence from the CMA and now there is a default because he didnt make the first payment. They have said that they have to write to him again to show they are making contact but will find it difficult to take any money from his earnings as he is self employed and they couldn’t get any information from the HMRC.

Which leads me to the latest incident. When he came to collect our son I advised him that he had some insect bites on him that he did not have when I had sent him the day before. He told me he would take him to the doctors after the weekend (he registered him at his doctors even though our son doesnt live with him in that area and he has refused to give me the red book and passport so I can register him in my area. I’ve also found out that my details are not on our sons doctor profile so I have not access to his medical records).

That evening i was dressed nice as I was meeting a female friend for dinner after dropping my daughter to her club and I think he thinks I was on a date because he called me a little while after he collected him to say that he was taking him to a&e for one of the spots as the pharmacist couldn’t give him anything. As I had to collect my elder daughter from her club I asked him to call me once he has seen the doctor. I called him 3 times and when he finally answered he was rude and put the phone down (detail removed) I explained that I had to collect my other child and that by the time he answered the phone she was already sleeping so I couldn’t have left he by herself to come to the hospital.

Since then he has kept our son and not brought him back. He normally says he cannot keep our son in the week as he is working. He hasn’t contacted the nursery this week or replied to my message asking how our son is or when hes coming home. I have spoken to the school and Rights for Women who have told me the only thing I can do is to get legal help as there is no court residence order in place.

I havent been sleeping properly, I feel that he is doing this on purpose because I called the CMA and also becaue he thought I was on a date. I have been crying for the past week and getting really severe headaches. I don’t know what way to turn as I am worried about our son and feel weak to find the strength to take this battle on. He can be very aggressive and I’m scared to call him incase he starts being abusive over the phone as he would only say things to me when I am by myself. Has anyone else been in something similar? I appreciate any replies.

[KIP.]

It’s such a shame that these men will use their children to punish us and that’s what he’s doing and will continue to do. Keep a journal and any evidence because you’re going to have to get a legal order in place to prevent this happening in future. The court won’t like what he’s done. Once that’s in place hE cannot mess you around. If I was you I would ring the police and ask them to do a welfare check on your child. Show them the messages you’ve sent trying to reach him. You could always threaten him first in a sneaky way, so text that you’re really concerned because he hasn’t contacted you since x despite you trying x times to contact him and you are worried about your child and are going to involve the police if you don’t hear back within the next 15 minutes? Do you have the support from your local women’s aid?

[Oliverainbow]

Thank you all for your support. It’s been a really hard few days. My son is still not home. His dad unexpectedly text me a (removed by moderator) with our son. I went downstairs and was so happy to see him. He was asking to come inside and his dad said (removed by moderator). He started crying and saying he wanted to come inside. I’m so weak I didnt run and take him inside. I knew his dad would say (removed by the moderator) if I did that. As soon as they drove off I burst into tears and felt hopeless.

As he is still unwell he hasn’t taken him to nursery.

I think I have no other option but to go to the police to tell them and all the other things he have done. I’m feeling really scared and anxious because he is so manipulative. If the police turned up he would probably charm them away and worried about what he would do because I called them.

I was referred to the childrens services and Solace in my borough but the referrals havent gone though. I need my son home with me. It breaks my heart that his dad is keeping him from me and he must be asking for me and his sibling.

I feel I’m not strong enough to go against him and he will make me look like I’m a bad mum because of things he would tell me.

[diymum@1]

I know someone who this happened to she called the police and they were brought back xx I’d definitely keep your child passport locked away somewhere. As far as medical appointments and your child’s records these need to be with u your resident parent. As lavender says you really need to go to court for a prohibited steps order xx this won’t look good in court I’d personally go down a supervised contact route at a contact centre that way no chance of this happening again. He will be forced to pay maintenance this way too xx only in England and Wales tho x

[Fudgecake]

Good advice here. Call the police whenever this happens, log all contact pick ups/ drop offs and get contact legally sorted so you both know where you stand. Take a no nonsense attitude so he knows he can’t use it to control you with.

[Lavenderrose]

@oliverrainbow how are things? Is your child home with you? Please get legal advice if you haven’t already. These men are so unpredictable and will go to any lengths to use our child to hurt us x

[Oliverainbow]

Thank you all for your support. It’s been a really hard few days. My son is still not home. His dad unexpectedly text me a couple of days ago and said am I at home because hes outside with our son. I went downstairs and was so happy to see him. He was asking to come inside and his dad said “no we have to go home and take your medicine”. He started crying and saying he wanted to come inside. I’m so weak I didnt run and take him inside. I knew his dad would say I’m withholding him from his medication if I did that. As soon as they drove off I burst into tears and felt hopeless.

As he is still unwell he hasn’t taken him to nursery.

I think I have no other option but to go to the police to tell them and all the other things he have done. I’m feeling really scared and anxious because he is so manipulative. If the police turned up he would probably charm them away and worried about what he would do because I called them.

I was referred to the childrens services and Solace in my borough but the referrals havent gone though. I need my son home with me. It breaks my heart that his dad is keeping him from me and he must be asking for me and his sibling.

I feel I’m not strong enough to go against him and he will make me look like I’m a bad mum because of things he would tell me.

[Oliverainbow]

I’m currently at the police station. Thank you for the support to give me the courage. Will update once they have spoken to me x

[positivelyempath]

Oh my goodness you poor thing. Are you ok? Can they do anything? This is my worst fear. Sending love and strength xx

[diymum@1]

Stay strong well done get your wee boy home safe with you xx 😘

[diymum@1]

This happen to a good friend off mine xx I’ve text her for some advice x

[KIP.]

Sending you strength. Get the names and badge numbers of the officers you speak to in case you need a non molestation order.

[diymum@1]

Ok so she had to get an emergency court order xx once this happened he was warned if he ever did this again he would be locked up. She said the police have to bring him back even if it’s joint custody this was In England hope this helps XX you need to build a case now to show he’s abusive xx his actions right now are the lowest xx

[diymum@1]

How you doing there ? Xx let us know your ok xx

[Oliverainbow]

Good Morning. After speaking to the police they said all they could do was log what I said on the system and give me a crime reference number. She said because he has PR and there is no court order they cant go and bring him home. I gave her some back history on the relationship. I showed her the last text he sent me which she said was very manipulative and also the video of our son crying saying he wanted to come home. She told me to keep all this information and that they can do a welfare check.

I was scared for them to do that as I don’t know what he would come back and do if the police go to his house. I feel a bit defeated because he shouldn’t be allowed to uproot our son out of his routine and home because of lies.

I will have to wait until Monday to speak to social services and solace because nobody called me back on friday. I have just been crying and feel sick as I dont know what the future holds. Thank you all again

[KIP.]

I’d ask them to do a welfare check and tell him to return the child, because even if he doesn’t do it, this is the kind of evidence you can use for your contact order. Once he’s back home, refuse to hand him over again. You need legal advice and all this evidence is really important to keep so write it all down. It’s always advised on here to get a legal contact order for this very reason. However he’s done you a favour by his behaviour because the court will not look kindly on this kind of behaviour. Would you qualify for legal aid? Please ring the helpline number for domestic abuse and get more advice. The future is in your hands. Gather lots of support round you. Women’s aid, the police. You do not have to face this bully alone x

[diymum@1]

You did the right thing xx hopefully once they have the welfare check you can get this to court. I’d be going for a supervised contact order at a contact centre – this is essentially abduction. WA will support u – if you have to log with the police each time he intimidates you document it with them. Build your case xx I know this seems like a lot of paper work to do considerably how traumatic this has been for you xx I made a list of everyone I needed to make appointments with who I needed to call and what evidence I needed. I spent each day doing one thing off the tick list and when I got stressed I took 1 day off xx once you have all your evidence to prove his abuse he won’t ever be able to do this again. Your son probably won’t remember this happening x be honest and let them know he’s operating manipulation wise just under the radar xx coercive control works like that xx keep going you’ll be together soon xx much love diymum

[KIP.]

I’d also go to my GP and log with her how distressed this has left you. Again more really good written evidence for when the time comes x I know it’s overwhelming. Dig deep for strength and keep going. Ring 999 if he frightens you. You do not have to accept this kind of behaviour. I had to push back every time he pushed the boundaries otherwise he would have trampled over me. You will always have our support so keep posting. Sending you strength x

[diymum@1]

We’re here and will help you in the right direction xx try to say to yourself this will be sorted and you guys will be safe from him xx

[diymum@1]

My friend text asking what happened xx she said She went to his house to get her boys and the police were called xx I wouldn’t do this alone – it’s shocking he’s been allowed to keep him xx

[diymum@1]

She got them home in the end xx

[diymum@1]

Do you have anyone that could go like an older male in your family xx

[Oliverainbow]

Good Evening. Thank you for all your advice. Unfortunately there isnt anyone in my corner who is strong enough to go and speak to him. And I cant reach out to any of his family. I did reach out to his best friends partner last year as he had done something similar and although she was quite supportive over the phone, his friend said that he doesnt believe me.

Today my good friend took me and my other child out to cheer us up and I just felt guilty for trying to lift my mood. I’m hurting so much inside and I’m looking at all the things i could have done to prevent what has happened. I didnt even switch the Christmas tree on as he is missing from the home. My only contact with him is texting his dad to ask how he is doing. I’m scared to say anything more as the way in which he can reply triggers me inside.

I dont feel supported by these external services and I know if the police do a welfare check, he is going to be so angry with me. I have to see my doctor again this week but I know my health wont change until he is back in my arms. 😪

[diymum@1]

I’m so sorry to hear your going through this it’s the worst xx my friend was saying she went to the house and got her boys. Like him he can’t do anything if you take your child back but I would say in a public place with even a female friend with you? This is how it works for now but obviously if trouble brewed then the police would get involved xx what infuriates me is why should you be put in danger like this xx what is the law doing to protect us in this situation xx I’d call them again to say he still hasn’t been returned I’d be seeing a lawyer this week for sure xx I said at the time what if something happens to my kid are you going to take responsibility then ? Look at the history xx

[KIP.]

Do you know when your child is coming home? Does your ex work? Can you try to pin him down to a date without letting him know how badly you’re hurting? Get support tomorrow from women’s aid and speak to a solicitor. Don’t allow him to take him again until there is a legal order in place. Can your friend try to talk to him and go collect your child.

[Oliverainbow]

Morning All. Just wanted to give a quick update. I have social services coming to talk to me about moving forward with the legal route and support for me and my daughter. They spoke to him and he told them, he is not withholding my son, it’s that I dont want him to come home. He lied and said I havent asked him to bring him home and the day I saw him for 10 minutes, I didnt want him to come inside. He also felt the need to tell them the night he took him a&e I was dressed up going out and that I suffer from mental health issues.

I’m not surprised that he lied and I have to keep reassuring myself that I havent done anything wrong. I’m just hoping that I made the right decision to go through the social and legal route because I dont want these issues to carry on. I know he wants me to play this game with him and be ringing down his phone or texting him but I’m tired. I have been speaking to someone every day whether it be the social or the nursery.

Once I see the social case worker I will let you all know what the next steps are. My friends have offered to go down there but because he doesnt let anyone look after him, I know he wouldnt let him go. Another friend has offered to come with me to the nursery if he is in, to collect him as it’s not advisable for me to do it alone if his dad is there.

I’m so thankful for all your continued support.

[KIP.]

Well done. Take all the help offered. Do you have any messages from him to prove his lies? He has left you no choice but to go down the legal route and mentioning you were dressed up Just shows where his mind is. It sounds like he was punishing you by keeping your son for daring to get dressed up and go out. You need the backing of the law and organisations that won’t allow him to bully and coerce. Keep going. It’s exhausting now but you’re putting things in place so you won’t have to go through this time and time again x

[Oliverainbow]

@KIP. Thank you. I’m going to let these services lead the way as I have not done anything wrong. I do feel like the more I’ve been speaking about my situation, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer should feel scared or unable to have my voice heard. I just want a legal decision for the best interest in our son and I can truly be free of him moving forward. X

[diymum@1]

did you keep the incident number from the police because that’s your evidence right there that hes lying xx it a shame you could go to nursery to get him home for Christmas the staff would be there so you would be safe he couldn’t do anything xx hes really blew it id say his lies arte very transparent. with the right people on your side they will see who he is xx your resident parent you get the say – an abusive father needs to be put I his place and its the only way with these men xx were here anytime to give you support and the benefit of our experience – theres lots of good books on this xx love diymum

[Oliverainbow]

@diymum@1 Thank you for your reply. I’ve still got the crime reference number the police created for me. I decided I would collect him from nursery tomorrow and as the nursery have said, I also have parental responsibility so I am able to collect him. I felt really pathetic asking for their permission to collect him. I’ve been sitting here thinking that I know I should have messaged him again to bring him home but I just didnt think I could handle the response. When he says things to hurt me it’s like my mind just goes in a clutter and I just go back in my shell. I don’t want when it goes through the legal process that he will say I didnt want him to come home because that isnt true. I was trying to do things the right way because this was a situation I felt I could not longer deal with alone. Him telling me that I’m failing to do what any mother would do and that hes disappointed for our son really hurt me. And triggers past things he says. I’m worried that when I do collect him, what are the repercussions. When he asks to collect him what do I say. I’m feeling really overwhelmed this evening 😪

[diymum@1]

Oh love – the police can back you when it comes to court. We naturally feel really vulnerable when we’ve beeb through so much abuse and then the ultimate through the kids. It’s b****y heart wrenching I’m there with you ❤️💪but stay strong tomorrow is someone going with you? If not take the car book a taxi get your son home xx worst case senario he comes to the house really ring the police no hesitation tbh I’d call 101 when you get home to give them the heads up logg it and I’d ask for a marker on your house. Could you alternatively stay with a friend until some time passes? Xx

[diymum@1]

Just tell the police and court the truth about how you feel xx tell them your scared and you need them to protect you xx

[diymum@1]

If your ex calls send 1 text back saying politely I will be arranging contact from here through a solicitor as this is the best way forward for our child xx you can use a third party to communicate from there you don’t have to be in direct contact and the court is fine with that xx given what he’s done I’d get a contact centre lined up they have brilliant child protection policies xx you won’t see him and insist on supervised contact x he might give up you never know – if he can’t get at you (which is his goal) he might get bored my ex did xx we eventually got a no contact order we’ve not seen him in years xx

[diymum@1]

I’d pick your son up at least an hour early too xx be prepared and try not to tail spin xx deep breathes

[Oliverainbow]

Hello All. Just to update as these last couple days have been very draining and quite surreal. My son is home as I collected him from nursery the other day. The police have had to be called on both days because of his irrational behaviour, Today was particularly worse because he followed me to where I was (unknowing to me) and jumped out on me on a dark road. He frightened the children i was with and I’m now scared to be at home incase he just appears 😔

[KIP.]

Well done for collecting him. That must have been a huge relief. You need to get a non molestation order in place. Or equivalent depending on what country you’re in. Speak to the police about a marker on your home and phone number meaning you will be a priority should you need them and keep them informed of his behaviour. Get support from your local women’s aid. You already have evidence of his behaviour but keep a journal of dates times and witnesses. Court needs evidence.

[diymum@1]

KIP is right the police can only caution him so many times if he keeps on this is stalking xx I’m so glad you got your son home xx you really do need a marker on the house and don’t hesitate to call the police any time that’s what they’re for xx I’d say you will definitely get supervised contact now through court xx you’ll have the police evidenced x once he knows the police will hold him accountable he will stop this this is the worst of him at the mo xx well done I’m so glad for you you’ll be releived but understandably you feel scared xx time to get all the professionals onside to protect you xx would refuge be an option? Then rehousing xx

[lover of no contact]

So glad your little one is back with you. You have been to hell and back with your ex’s games. Try not to be scared or intimidated by him jumping out at you on the dark road as this is what he wants. He wants to take away your peace of mind and have you anxious and full of dread which will affect you and your children meanwhile he’s laughing his head off at your reactions and knowing you are scared. Yes he has a sick personality and is so typical of what abusers too. Keep posting so you can move on from the fear/dread (which is typical when dealing with their type and I had that too) and you too can laugh at his immaturity and being so ridiculous. The main priority is your little one is safe and back in your care.

[Oliverainbow]

@kip @diymum@1 @loverofnocontact thank you all for your kind replies. I honestly think I am still in shock. I left out to go to the corner shop this morning and I saw the same make and model of his car on the road. I froze and when I looked at the license plate I realised it wasnt him. I quickly went to the shop and came back because I didnt want to be outside for long. He had messaged me this morning to say (removed by moderator). I was so confused as I was thinking did yesterday not happen, am I making it up. He used to do that when we were together after a big arguement where I would be reduced to tears and next minute your talking fine and saying I love you. I feel really confused. I spoke with my cousin and sent him a text to say (removed by moderator).

He replied with a really long text saying (removed by moderator). I had replied to his message but (removed by moderator). So he has put the blame on me saying I put our son in an emotionally dangerous situation and he was calm and I responded hysterically. Even though (removed by moderator), I didnt scream, I wasnt crying. So what hysterical response was I giving. He keeps repeating that I am now keeping our son from him and it’s not in his best interest and he keeps using all these long solicitor-like words.

To go into more detail about last night, (removed by moderator). I even spoke to my friend today and she said her daughter has been worrying about me and she is only little. That broke my heart.

When my mum was coming to my house she called to ask what his number plate was as she thought she saw his car drive down my road. I immediately turned all my lights off and sat in the darkness with the kids incase it was him driving around. My mum said she doesnt know if it was him and she couldn’t see the car by the time she walked to mine.

I’ve been contacted by the police as they want to know how I want to proceed with things. I just dont know know what to do because even after all the things he has done, it’s like part of me doesnt want him to get in trouble. Does that make me weird. It’s like I’m so used to the stuff he had done previously on his bad days that I still feel sorry for him 🤷🏽‍♀️. I still feel the past few days are surreal. I think where I was always the “yes” and “ok” person, he always had control. Now I’m trying to take my power back he doesnt know what to do and is trying to put me back in the box.

[Oliverainbow]

Sorry for the long reply above. I forgot to say, I’m going to contact my local womens aid and also speak to my housing to let them know what is happening as there are a couple of repairs that need to be done to this housing front access which could be a risk

[KIP.]

Hi, my advice is to think with your head and not your heart. You need to push back the boundaries every time he pushes them. Throw everything you can at him. The police, a non molestation order. WA will be able to advise you. It’s not just you he is traumatising now it’s small children. You need to step up and protect them. If you allow him he will destroy you. He’s still lying and gaslighting. Putting lies in text, bullying and manipulating you. Absolutely zero contact and let him go down the legal route for access. You should too as he can take his children and refuse to return them if you don’t have something legal in place. I would guess that might be his next move. Protect yourself. You might feel sorry for him at the moment, that because he has brainwashed you to make you feel he is your responsibility. He’s not x

[diymum@1]

Please please listen to KIP – for our perspective and we’ve felt this way too. Your talking through conditioning I promise which is the dangerous part of abuse. Your not thinking with your head in a calm way. Totally understand btw xx so write down what you have to do concentrate on who needs to be involved. This panic will subside xx once he’s gone and you will have to keep him away. Third party for everything xx so I’d say call paladin app with GP WA as you’ve said above keep calling the police if need be for any thing that makes you feel unsafe xx non mol and don’t give any contact until you’ve been through court xx if your self representing this is totally doable especially with professionals on your side xx insist on supervised contact in case he abducts your son xx under no terms would I be in touch with him now and definitely don’t give him your wee boy xx no matter how you feel and through intimidation you might feel like weakening xx this is his intention so my advice is don’t react and know your enemy xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there,I am so very very happy to hear they you have your son again. I couldn’t imagine a worse pain. Keep listening to the good advice, these men mess with our heads so much. you have been to hell and back,take heart in knowing that all it has done is make you stronger emotionally. Don’t underestimate him send Moray off all don’t believe a word he says, even if he uses lawyer speak. He has abused your son in the worst possible way by keeping you both apart, shame on him. Your job as his mum is to do what keeps him safe, that sadly is no contact with his father as he has shown himself to be the monster he is. My way of disassociating myself from my oh and his poor me words were that he caused this, he caused all this pain by his behaviour, by his entitlement. Bi làidir mo caraid (be strong my friend)
IWMB 💞💞

[Oliverainbow]

Hello Everyone. I wanted to say I hope you all had a great new year and thank you for all your messages.

I think the stress of everything had me run down over the Christmas. I didnt really go out and was looking around at cars if I did leave my house. I’m trying to be strong for the children and process things in my head. I know this is going to be a serious battle in the next coming weeks. I don’t think I would even be able to take our son nursery as his dad could always go and collect him. Really dont want him to miss out but dont really know what my options are. WA in my area and social services have been working with no staff over the holidays.

I hope you all are ok x x

[diymum@1]

Your welcome xx if you need a hand pm me anytime xx

[Author]

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