Ex hurt my neck and broke things but is that enough for it to be physical abuse?

[pasta]

my ex was definitely emotionally abusive. He kind of was physically abusive but sometimes I doubt if he was or if it was that bad.

He did this thing to my neck in front of his whole family because he got annoyed at me (detail removed by Moderator). He put his hand round the back of my neck and applied pressure and pushed my head right down onto the table. like you would push a dog’s face in it’s dinner if you are a s****y person.

I told someone about this recently and they told me it is a well known military move that the army use to get someone into submission. And that he would have had to have done his research to know about this as most people don’t. (detail removed by Moderator) This person was shocked my ex had done this and said it was maybe worse that just like slapping me in the face. Is it?

I was so shocked my this that I left the tale and sat in the other room with the rest of his family. it happened on a holiday day when I was at his house and couldn’t get back to mine. I couldn’t storm out of his without it looking bad and without risking loosing the whole relationship which I didn’t want to do. so I just bought it up to him later, he got upset and stormed out the room and I felt like I had to apologise to him for ruining the holiday day and then we had sex. I never told my family about the neck thing as I felt like it was my fault for ruining the day and that I was argumentative.

he’s broken things a couple of times and thrown things around dramatically when he is in a mood before. other than that he has crushed my hands and also physically restrained me when I was having a panic attack which I did not like. I think I had wanted to leave. I physically got my stuff together multiple times to leave his, even went down the street and still ended up going back as I had no way to get home and dint want my family to think I was at fault for arguing with him as they like him.

but then the relationship had lots of good times so I cant write the whole thing off. was he physically abusive? am I right to call it an abusive relationship when I talk about it?

[Twisted Sister]

Hello pasta
He perhaps got the desired effect? To confuse and dominate you. I think ‘domination’ is what the physical actions upon you are for. They serve the purpose. I myself still feel very conflicted about such things as a slap seems so clear, but to the women slapped it still might not be?

I have come to believe this is just the nature of the domination that its confusing and blame is shifted very artfully from them to us. Some days I can see this other days its stikl his story running in my head! It takes a while to fully accept it perhaps? To believe how it really felt to us and to shut down our feelings like they want us to.

Warmest wishes KS x

[pasta]

I hadn’t thought about it in terms of domination before – I always felt like I had the power in the relationship in the sense that he was always trying to keep me as he thought I was better than him ect. I just don’t know if doing that to my neck is that bad or not.

yeah maybe it just takes a while to process – but its been quite a while now so I don’t get why it’s not sunk in yet. he definitely shut down my feelings/

thanks for your reply x

[WalkerInTheRain]

Yes, this was definitely a physically abusive relationship.
He sounds quite dangerous and calculating if he’s willing to force you into submissive positions and restrain you.
I’m guessing it wasn’t his own belongings that he threw around and broke?

None of this is your fault and you have done nothing to warrant his behaviour. This is entirely his choice in order to retain power and control over you.

Have you phoned the helpline? They can help you understand your situation and what your options are.

[pasta]

thanks for your reply.
it was confusing cos it was like he was trying to make out it was a cuddle but in reality he restrained me on the bed.
the stuff he broke was cheap stuff that wasn’t mine but it was intimidating behaviour.
why would he want power over me? that’s what I don’t understand. I really liked him so he didn’t need to do stuff like that.
I haven’t phoned them – but we broke up a while ago now so it’s not like I need shelter away from him or something so I don’t know how they would help really.

[WalkerInTheRain]

My ex used to ‘tickle’ me and would make out I was overreacting if I complained. In reality, he’d hold both my wrists in one hand, restrain my legs with one of his and would the rasp his knuckles on my ribs until I was wheezing.
He later escalated to smothering me with pillows and later his bare hands.

Abusers like power and control over anyone. They have to be number one.

The helpline is there for any victims of abuse; current or historic. It’s difficult to comprehend and can take a long time to process. They can signpost you in the direction of further assistance.

[pasta]

why do they want to do that though? it’s so confusing. I still have difficulty believing he actually consciously meant me harm because I know he loved me and he seemed like a nice person. thanks I feel like a fraud ringing them like it’s more important for people with spouses who beat them up ect

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