16th June 2021 at 11:05 am #127235
Hi, I’m new here and I’m hoping that I can get some support/advice on what’s happened to me over the last approximately (detail removed by Moderator) years.
In summary: My ex husband is making it his life’s mission to try and get our child to live with him (they are a teenager).I feel like he holds so much resentment towards me as he hasn’t got what he wants which is our child to live with him. He has re married and both him and his wife are putting my child under a lot of emotional pressure to live with them. They continually bad mouth me to our child trying to turn them against me.
Over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years I think I’ve been emotionally abused by him. He responds to all my messages with aggression, if I don’t agree to what he wants visitation wise he threatens me with court action. I have countless texts/emails and what’s apps showing this
He refuses to let me hold our child’s passport, I’ve never seen it even though they reside with me.
He tells our child that I’m a liar.
At pick ups he looks me up and down and shakes his head at me. I have to be accompanied by someone as in the past when I’ve been on my own he as demonstrated I intimidating behaviour such as telling me he told me to wait in the car in an aggressive tone. He is a man of large statue and I’m frightened of him, I hate saying that but I am.
He refused to engage in discussions about maintenance payments he has paid the same figure to me for years now and refuses to change it even though our child’s needs have changed and his contribution barely covers bus fair to school. He tells me if I can’t afford to look after our child they can live with him. He has told me if I go to the CSM he would fiddle it so he doesn’t have to pay anything (he’s (detail removed by Moderator)) he manages (detail removed by Moderator) holidays a year though. I just want what’s fair financially.
He has sent me abusive messages in the past putting me down, telling me he’s angry with me. Calling me deceitful, selfish and a liar. (I’m not 🙁 he did the same to me when we were married too.
There’s so much more I could write but I’m at the point where I’m too scared to communicate with him about anything as I’m just met with verbal aggression.
I can’t afford a solicitor but I don’t want this person controlling my life anymore and making me feel so worried about his reaction to anything I need to discuss with him. What makes it worse is that I feel I have two people trying to get at me not just him but his wife aswell.
I know lots of you are going through so much worse but the length of time I’ve been dealing with his behaviour toward me is taking it’s toll.
I just don’t know what to do
Thank you for listening
16th June 2021 at 12:37 pm #127239
Hi, do you have a third party that can communicate on your behalf? Cutting him completely out of the loop. Don’t listen to his threats, only deal with what’s actually happening, not his delusions. Do you qualify for legal aid? Most solicitors offer free initial advice so talk to them and contact your local women’s aid for support. Go ahead with the CMA because you won’t get less than now anyway and he won’t like them looking into his accounts. Keep all the threatening messages he sends as evidence. Set serious boundaries and stick to them. Use a third party for handover. Don’t give him any opportunity to get to you x
16th June 2021 at 1:09 pm #127241
Thank you for your reply, I don’t have anyone that could use as a 3rd party, my parents are elderly and I can’t put that on them 🙁 I don’t think I’d qualify for legal aid as I work full time.
I’m scared how he will react if I go to CSM, he won’t be happy and I’ll no doubt get lots of verbal abuse from him. I feel so stuck 😔
16th June 2021 at 1:12 pm #127242
Also I had a meeting with the women’s aid solicitor last year when he was threatening me with court and they told me it could just be his personality 😔 I wasn’t expecting that and now it’s put me off seeking more advice
16th June 2021 at 1:22 pm #127243
Have you Spoken to the police about his behaviour? He’s an abuser and abuse always gets worse. Can you do the hand over at a police station? Living in fear of his behaviour is how he’s controlling you. Shame about that solicitor making that stupid and ill informed comment. Harrassment and putting you in fear is illegal. The police have a domestic abuse unit. You could get a non molestation order to prevent contact. There are contact centres for hand over too. You do not have to put up with his behaviour any more. Any contact should be in text or email meantime so you have it in writing. If he abuses you verbally then report him to the police. Keep your phone on secret record when you meet up if you have to. Take back control of this situation. You’re no longer with him for a reason x
16th June 2021 at 1:40 pm #127245
I haven’t spoken to the Police, I have considered it though. I never knew if they would listen or take it seriously 😐
The pick up points are pre agreed (detail removed by Moderator) in advance, he insists on having our (detail removed by Moderator) agreed in advance. If either myself or child wants to make changes he refuses.
I may go back to my local woman’s aid again as I really feel I need support now more than ever before. I want his threats to stop now. 🙁
16th June 2021 at 1:57 pm #127247
Talk to the domestic abuse police. Threatening behaviour is illegal. He doesn’t rule your life and that of your son. He is a bully and they will always be bullies until someone stands up to them. Women’s aid may be able to give you more advice. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? Is there a legal access agreement in place? Are you the resident parent? Switch your phone off or buy a cheap phone for him only so that he cannot contact you apart from that number and by text. Then you can just leave it in a drawer and forget about him. Have you had counselling?
16th June 2021 at 2:09 pm #127248
I’m the resident parent.
I have not read that book but I will look at getting that.
I’ve had counselling over the years to try and help me deal with his behaviour but nothing seems to work for me. 🙁 I can’t get rid of the anxiety I feel when I see him or get any kind of communication from him.I hadn’t thought of getting a different phone but that’s a good idea 👍
16th June 2021 at 2:18 pm #127250
Also we have an informal parental agreement there’s no court order in place. The child resides with me and he has access every other weekend, he doesn’t live locally
16th June 2021 at 2:47 pm #127251
That’s good he only has access every other weekend. So in between those visits you cut contact with him. Does he contact his child directly? If so you can bet he will be looking for his child to get you to break this no contact and that’s when you need to set boundaries and stick to them. One step at a time to untangle yourself from him in every way. Zero contact means zero mind games, zero manipulation and helps with your anxiety. He’s the cause of the anxiety so no point in treating the symptoms you need to treat the cause x if he persists in unwanted contact then that’s harrassment and that’s for the police to deal with. New phone and text messages only with him x when you do drop offs then use a police station or a car park where you don’t have to have any contact at all. Or a contact centre. It’s the contact with him that’s triggering you x
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