Ex influencing work opportunities

[Tiredone]

I have been offered a great opportunity to be (detail removed by Moderator) for an industry leading company but it would mean putting my work email address and information about myself on their website. I had been advised by a DV charity in the spring to not post online and remove my details from my work website to remain safe. I have kept a low profile online ever since. I don’t let friends or family post pictures of me and I only let people I know have my work contact details.

My ex hasn’t contacted me for (detail removed by Moderator) months but I’m scared that if I start to put myself back online he will get in contact. I’m probably being paranoid but I don’t know if I should chance it. Friends have advised that I should just go for it but they don’t understand the terror associated with this man. They think I would be “letting him win” if I don’t go for this role but, as you all know, it’s not that simple. He still influences A LOT of my decisions and my behaviour.

Do any of you have any advice? Have you been told to stay offline for your safety?

[Dragonfly]

There must be a way round this. Could you just use a generic company email address instead of yours? Could you just use your job title and not your name or picture on your profile? You know you can’t let him control you forever although I do understand how this can affect you.

There’s no point second guessing what he might do if he found your details (maybe you’ve already an idea). Speak to your employer. I’m sure they will want to keep you safe.

[Goldengirl]

Hi, Tiredone. I have been off the grid (internet wise) for well over a year. I, too, had the work issue. Instead of a photo, work could put ‘awaiting photo’. As for the rest, my employer allowed me to be a little anonymous. I am down as intials for the beginning of my work email, so my name is not associated with the email. As for information, ‘Mrs (detail removed by moderator) is a mother of 3, who has worked in the industry for x amount of years.’ This kind of autonomy is how I would describe yourself in any profile. Hey, you could even ‘accidently’ write the wrong number of children. I was lucky. I was embarrassed at having to explain my situation to my new employers (after they offered me the position) but I was equally surprised at how supportive they were. They asked for a copy of any protective legal order and a photo of him, gave it to the relevant security people, just to make sure I was safe in work. i hope your new employer is as sympathetic. Good luck!

[fridges]

Hello Tiredone,
I understand this situation for you very well.
I have no social media, I took all what I could from internet down about me.
And I was not able to put myself there with anything, keeping low profile and gone completely missing.
I even left the country for some time, just to put myself together. It did give me the feeling, my life belongs to me, I can make even plans, which film to watch, when to wake up, if i need a medical help, i can go and see doctor, or even which food to eat. I’m celiac with strong allergy. He was making me eat food which cause allergic reaction, one time he gave me intentionally oyster in the restaurant, which was not fresh. I was sick for 1 week, so badly and he did not let me go to the hospital. I lost 5 kg in 7 days due dehydration and not able to eat or to drink, it happened abroad. Calling me, you are wimp! you just have a bit of upset stomach.
Now I’m trying to change my name in the documents, so I can start fresh, without pictures, but at least if I need to use social media or to work, I’m able to do that without fear to be blackmailed, to be found.
He used blackmailing at me too.

[Tiredone]

Thank you for all of your advice. Women on here are so insightful, kind and patient. I don’t know how I would have coped during the last year without this forum!

I asked the company not to put me on their website and they were happy to do so. There was another head of department role which I wanted to go for but there would be no way of getting around having my info online. Also, it would be a lot of stress and due to my PTSD, I decided not to go for it. I know I could easily do the job but I couldn’t deal with the politics and the stress that brings. It is so frustrating that he still has such a huge impact on my life.

Although not being online for work purposes is frustrating and impractical, not being on social media is actually quite liberating. I used to post lots of pictures of us travelling and date nights to try and convince myself that we were happy and everything was fine. It came as a big shock to family and friends when they found out he was beating me up because we looked like we had the perfect life. Now, I don’t post anything, mainly because of fear, but now I don’t have to pretend that things are fine for myself or friends/family. The pressure is off.

Selfridges, I totally understand the food issue. My ex would force me to eat lots of food. He was a huge feeder and too pleasure in watching me eat (weird, right). I put on over three stone in a year! I felt disgusting and had no self esteem by the end of the relationship. At the time I thought he was making me eat because he loved me but now I realise it was another form of control. I became a vegetarian as soon as we broke up because it was the first decision that I could make for myself. Lost a lot of weight but still have about a 1/3 to go. On the year anniversary of our break up I decided to go vegan to reaffirm that I can still make my own decisions. I get teased a lot by friends who don’t understand but I’m sticking to it. I want to prove to myself that he doesn’t control that aspect of my life anymore. Working on the rest of my life. He still has a lot of control. I hope he won’t forever.

[fridges]

Hello, Tiredone,
I have noticed to that they even try to control what you eat. It started in the restaurant, I do not eat pork and he was so insisting to order it for me. I was saying no, I do not eat and he was pushing and pushing me. At the time I did not agree to it. But you should pay attention to all this things, how it makes you feel. All the feelings inside you. There were days when my insides were just shouting do not get involved with this man, he is dangerous, I wish so much I was not ashamed about myself what he was doing to me and opened up, or at least I spoke to one person what he is doing to me.
Only years later I found courage through this site and women here to say my story. What it is my heart and I even think I have enough courage to speak to my GP to get more help.
Mine abuse happened years ago, but I can see I’m not recovering fast or I’m able to do it on my own.
I was not able to work or I have not been social at all over these period.
Now I want to start to study and I hopefully feeling more secure in building my future. But the things what he put in my head hard to break. I started to value and respect myself much more now. And I come with terms, that it was not my fault, I should not been so ashamed about my situation.
This site really gave me the courage to open up.
And It is one of the most vital thing to do on the recovery path.
When you hide and keep to yourself, you are locking out, blaming yourself. But you are not the one who should have been blamed.
I wish all women here to be strong and not afraid to speak what have been done to you. The sooner you do it, the better will be.
If I knew help existed, if I knew how I can collect evidence and what I need to do to stop being abused. I would had have done much earlier, I would have come out of this relationship.

[Author]

Posts