10th August 2021 at 9:45 pm #129890
I haven’t posted for some time although been reading. I reached (detail removed by moderator) little while ago. I have a safe place and also have brought a puppy which I’ve wanted for so long after my previous died some years before. The proceedings have taken an age but finally look like happening. But now I’ve been told by a good friend that he could be seriously ill. (detail removed by moderator) is taking its toll on getting a proper prognosis and diagnosis but I’m feeling weird…. I’ve started feeling really down and depressed and fearful that it might mess up the financial side and feeling bad that I feel that… My puppy and being close to my daughter and grandkids and far away from my ex is good. But I feel guilty and depressed again. Any advice would be good….
10th August 2021 at 10:41 pm #129896
A good friend wouldn’t be passing on this information, or gossip. ‘He could be seriously ill’ sounds like gossip to me. You don’t need to know what he’s doing and by telling you, she’s not helping at all. Please tell her and anybody else that you don’t wish to hear anything about him unless it’s to do with your safety. She’s dragging you backwards and any contact is toxic to you. He’s not your responsibility and whatever his state of health you can’t do anything about that and how he may or may not use it going forwards. So go back to one day at a time. Baby steps and try not to think too far forwards. Just deal with whatever comes up and save your energy for that and yourself and your own recovery. Enjoy that lovely puppy and the fact you can relax and smile again. You can bet he’s not giving you a second thought.
11th August 2021 at 7:51 am #129915
Thank you KIP for your quick reply even though I didn’t look last night after posting. The reason she told me is because of the (detail removed by moderator) business and financial side which hasn’t been sorted yet. She is also the (detail removed by moderator). My solicitor has said to see what his prognosis is. Strangely going to puppy classes seems to have triggered me also. Everyone including the trainer is very nice but I feel not good enough again. Also her teaching style is (detail removed by moderator) which seems to have also caused feelings of sadness
11th August 2021 at 8:53 am #129919
I appreciate she may have her reasons but it’s all triggering for you and unnecessary. He will be in touch in due course and yes he will use anything as leverage but you need to think of your mental health. You can still instruct a solicitor from a hospital bed. Recovery for you is a real rollercoaster and when you’re having down days please remember ‘this too shall pass’. The oddest things could make me feel down in the beginning but you won’t always feel this way. Try a gratitude journal. Write down three things every day that you’re grateful for. It keeps your mind positive and start with that lovely puppy and the fact that you still have those (detail removed by moderator) skills that you recognise in her. The world is a wonderful place when we are free from abuse, it takes time but such amazing adventures we can have. Meantime keep yourself grounded in the moment by using mindfulness. Thinking backwards can be depressing and thinking ahead can cause anxiety. So one hour at a time. You’ve got this 💕
11th August 2021 at 12:54 pm #129928
Thanks again KIP. I’ve re read your replies a few times this morning. You have helped me to be calmer. The sentence where you say ‘thinking backwards is depressing and thinking forward can cause anxiety’ is so true and really reverberated with me. My puppy is such an amazing thing to finally have after years of yearning. Plus being so much closer to my daughter and family is beyond amazing. I will try to do as you say thanks again ( last night I drunk three quarters of a bottle of wine for the first time for an age as I haven’t wanted to)
11th August 2021 at 12:58 pm #129931
Should have added that my feelings got so down that I reached for the wine. It’s important for me not to have much alcohol because of my illness and being (detail removed by moderator) through medication. So it’s a big thing that I did but feel more confidant that I won’t again in such a way so thank you 🙏 x
11th August 2021 at 2:38 pm #129942
Hey don’t be hard on yourself. Although alcohol as you know is a temporary fix and will make things look worse afterwards. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off and do something nice for you x no experience is wasted if we learn from it and on this journey to recovery you can bet we have lots of lessons to learn from x
15th August 2021 at 9:54 am #130087HebeParticipant
I am standing in very similar shoes to you, after ignoring health issues, my ex is very ill. I have been confronted with the thoughts of blame and guilt. I have been up & down and the wine bottle has been a measured last resort. I have cried and cried and cried.
But now? I am reconciled with the fact that he has a choice, he is an adult and there is support for him. I do not need to be his life support machine. What I do need is my own life.
Like you there are things to tie up, some beyond what I can influence. So I am taking action to the point I can without having to resolve those legally. Yet. Get legal advice, facts rather than dwell on what may or may not be. I find
that helps me in making decisions. It takes a lot of energy to get advice, it is worth it as the anxious energy is draining. Turn it to a positive for you.
I am living in the moment, enjoying the pleasures around me and you are doing the same. There will be other moments to get through and they will pass. One step at a time, it’s the best way and wow, haven’t you done so well!
As KIP says, it can be the slightest event that sets you off and writing down your achievements is such a morale boost. Sounds like you have a lot to write down 🙂
Enjoy the puppy, sounds a great comfort. Find a different trainer if it’s not working for you, some people you ‘click with’ others not. Trust yourself.
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