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Hi ladies, thanks for having me here, am new and looking forward to connecting. I’ve been free from my abusive ex-partner for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) and every day is a relief. We have no contact and to this point he has left me alone and our children alone although I believe he will resurface at some point. I have done something very silly and googled my ex. I found a social media profile and on it there is lots of stuff suggesting he was victim of abuse. There is stuff about him having ptsd, being the victim of n**********c abuse, dealing with female entitlement and being dishonoured and disrespected. I don’t know why I am surprised as he is the best person at playing the victim I ever met but it’s really upset and overwhelmed me and been very triggering so I am feeling really anxious. We still live in the same town and knowing he is exactly the same crazy sociopath he was freaks me out. Not that I expected him to change really. I feel like moving away but I have lots of good friends here. He definitely was not the victim of any abuse – unless he thinks me finally leaving him and cutting contact is abusive! and I don’t know how he could have ptsd from being the one who attacked, abused and tormented me. I never did anything remotely abusive to him so I dont know what he can be thinking of in terms of examples! Has anyone had this happen? Moral of the story is don’t google the ex – anyone have any feedback or advice? I was doing so well moving forward but I’ve had a few bad days as a result of this. Lots of love and thanks for reading x*x
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The only shock he would have had is to have lost you, his supply. And maybe that was a huge shock to him, as these abusers think we will put up with it forever.
If he is ego-driven, his ego probably can’t take that you left him. They like to leave you, not be left. He doesn’t know how to deal with it, so is making up this drama. It’s all part of their smear campaign. They need attention, so try to induce pity in others. He’s probably hoping lots of motherly types will come flocking around him.
If you love your town and have friends there and it would be a wrench to go, maybe you should stay. The best way is to act grey rock- like you haven’t even noticed what they are up to, or even that they exist.
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Hi there, I broke up with my ex some months ago, I knew immediatly to go nowhere near any social media or any sort of connection where I could see or hear anything. I have always known to this day to see or hear anything about him would be basically like a knife to my heart. I know full well what I would see and it would hurt me deeply and set me back years. You have done remarkably well for a whole year, try not to worry too much. Most people have the odd setback here and there. You should find after this initial shock that you feel better in a couple of days, you are likely to be shocked and in a state as you have had ‘contact’, allthough it is not direct its still a form of contact. It would be best for your peace of mind and emotions to go 100% NC from now, avoiding all social media which includes every form of snooping including looking at his friends & associates etc. These men are big on blame, they get off scott free then. They are also big on creating smear campaigns, I think most abusive men do it. I am intrigued to wonder what blatent lies my ex told everybody who he knows about me, pure lies. I was given the cold shoulder by everybody. Again blame and putting themselves in the victim role.
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Thank you serenity, I like the grey rock one! I will definitely think like grey rock, and yes he will be desperate for attention for his ridiculous sized delicate ego so I shouldnt be surprised and I suppose he is trying to make some story to explain why theres no contact anymore to his friends. Thanks for your message, feel much better. And thank you healthy archive – god knows what I thought I’d find – my friend said to me don’t go looking for happiness in the same place you lost it. I can’t imagine what I thought I would find except something that would upset me. Its weird that even though we havent had ‘contact’ I feel as though I have – just seeing his words and face has been upsetting so you are certainly right there. Have to avoid any reference to him and go back to not knowing. I can only imagine what all these men say to make themselves feel better and it makes sense that he wants to smear me to make himself look ok. Thank you xx
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You are welcome. When I met my ex he told me that his ex wife was a bully and he was controlled. He told me he was a broken man. Yet as I got to know him he didn’t seem to have the characteristics of someone to be controlled. I think he was the controller & bully and he projected all of this onto his ex wife. I’m sure he has pretended he was a victim of me or I was a stalker or some similar complete lies.
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I can’t even admit the abuse today to a lot of people, mainly because I feel like they will think I am lying because he is so charming and nice how could he possibly do anything like that. He likes to blame me. I cheated (sort of) so that automatically makes me the bad guy not him it absolves him entirely of blame and justifies all his behaviour. He plays the victim everything is my fault I am a terrible person. Even I feel like that. That is how good these men are they can even convince you they are a victim.
He has a caution for dv so it is a bit harder for him to play the victim card.
Don’t move don’t let him win. Ignore him. You know the truth people who matter to you know the truth that is all that matters -
@healthyarchive – yes mine said his previous partner was abusive towards him. I found out through his mum this was the other way round. They lie so easily.
@velveteenbun, sorry to hear your experience, thanks for your message and yes, I know the truth so that’s all that matters. You are right though, took me some time to realise how skilled he was at making me think I was wrong/at fault/ crazy etc. x*x -
I have joined the other women as his abuser, keeping him away from his children, making false allegations and so on.
All used to get sympathy and draw others in to his victim status. he is good he will even admit a whisper of truth followed by smokescreens of lies and misdirection.
Having fallen into the trap of more than one abuser I have yet to meet one who doesn’t use the it her fault tactic once they are found out.
Googling is normal and natural, for we we want to be warned about what might happen next. But it can keep you from moving on and living too. -
Mine did this as well. Actually said that he had spoken to professionals and they told him he was the one who had been abused – lord only knows what he told them. He once told me that the fact that when I came in from work and nothing had been done in the house and I screamed at him was abuse….I didn’t remember screaming at him. I remember swallowing my words and getting on with the clearing up as I was too scared to say anything to him. But it played on my mind, did I do that? Am I remembering it wrong? So eventually I asked our child what they remembered. And what actually woudld happen is he would pick a fight while i was doing the housework, start shouting at me for ‘looking like I was peed off’ etc… Does he know that this is how it happened or does he really think that it was me? I guess I will never know.
Also twice I brusied him. Both times in self defence but he has quoted those incidents as time of my abuse of him. Sigh.
He says I am causing parental alientation because our child refuses to see him. Our child is scared of him and now adult age so can make that decision.
Luckily for me he has disappeard off social media so I don’t have to witness what he is saying to other people – but I can only imagine…. -
Seems like a common theme that we are the bad guys here, in their eyes at least. Do they really believe all their own c**p? I know he’s turning parents at school against me. Half of me wants to go and show them that his lies are not true; half of me has no sympathy as I don’t give a monkeys what he does, I just feel sorry for the poor women he’s reeling in to do his dirty work for him.
Thanks for the heads up and I will avoid googling!
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I guess it’s totally textbook now I think about it and see your responses – the whole of their lives is based on playing the victim and building a fantasy of lies. I suppose it just still stings that he can do it so blatantly – @herindoors I remember a similar thing where I shouted back after an extensive amount of goading, screaming and verbal abuse. He seemed to think was evidence of me being unreasonable and I of course had to apologise even though I had just shouted at him to stop. Oh well I have to just keep thinking that I know the truth and it doesn’t matter what he thinks. Argh!!
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My ex had the audacity to tell my mum that I violent first! That was one of many low blows. There was one occasion where he had scratch marks (self defence) but he beat me up good that time. I know he’s telling all his friends that I was unsupportive, I made his PTSD worse, I was the reason he drank and took drugs, I was angry all the time, I started arguments… The list is endless.
It’s so unfair isn’t it! They ruin our lives and we get the blame. His therapist told him I was toxic for him. His new girlfriend is thinking the exact same thing I was thinking about his girlfriend before me. I often wonder if I should contact her and see how she’s doing. Bad move?
When does this all end?
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Hey @Tiredone, sounds SO similar to my ex. So weird they are they all the same?!!! I imagine my ex is telling everyone how bad I was …..literally sounds like your experience exactly. I thought about contacting his new GF too but whats the point? He’ll say you’re a jealous psycho, she’ll believe him and it might just upset you more than anyone. And as for his therapist saying stuff – a) you only have him to go on with that, he’s probably lying and b) she’ll only give view on what he tells her, and he probs says he’s amazing and caring and lovely and you’re crazy and abusive. It’s so unfair isn’t it? x
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They are all the same. My ex accused me of financial abuse because I gave him £X per week. I had to take over the finances or he would have drank or given away every penny we had. Now we are not together he’s still doing it. Now he’s coming after me for money. I can’t believe I was so besotted with such a loser. The mind games they play are incredible.
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I wouldn’t advise contacting any current partners, all that will do is make it look as though you still care or are still bothered, they will love that. My experience is that these men are blatant liars. My ex told everybody that he knew lies about me, i’m not sure exactly what but everybody gave me the cold shoulder after he spoke to them. Their behaviour is shameful, but at least they are now out of our lives and no longer out problem, good riddance.
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Yes these men seem to be addicted to being master manipulators and expert saboteurs.They dont stop because its a game to them that they want to win at any cost no matter who they hurt.Mine has a new wife who has no kids and she has stolen my title of Nana for herself.I know that ex put her up to it to hurt me–also this is for a lifetime and this will thrill his sick mind.My small granddaughter attends a religious school which matches my ex and his wifes church.More control and my son doesnt see it!
I have learned that men like ours have an abnormal personality and use people like pawns to feed their twisted needs without a thought for others feelings.We have to keep ourselves safe physically and emotionally and not reveal our plans or thoughts to them or they will trash them for selfish gain.I would not like to spend a single minute inside their head.
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@stillsmile…..whaaaaaattttt?! that’s seriously messed up!!! I swear they lie so much they should get an oscar!
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@stillsmile – the same for me, strangled and then accused of being the violent one. Oh and apparently he’s also not violent because really violent men don’t smash up furniture ‘around’ their wife, they do it over their wives head. He knows this because he has met a ‘properly’ violent man who told him this. So there you have it!
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