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Found this x
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– Being told I needed psychiatric help because I would not give my partner oral sex is one…blaming my ex boyfriend is another, he was not responsible for my disgust of oral sex.
– coercing me into masturbating him for years is another, despite requesting him almost weekly to have a vasectomy so we could be free from pregnancies after having our final child. It felt humiliating, degrading, yet I froze time and time again every time his hand would take mine and he would place it on his genitals…I learned to dissociate. It is easier than you think. Eventually you don’t even think any more. I felt like I was simply a wh.re…My mind froze while my body did what it had to do. I learned how to avoid using my hand fully. Not sure if that can be understood. I just avoided the end part of his…I learned to read his needs. I learned to silence my thoughts and feelings. I now hate one of my hands. If I could cut it off I would.
– Being sleepy resting in the garden and having him put his hands under my blanket in front of my teenage children and having a go at my breast while telling me he wished there was more of that…Learning to freeze again so no reaction can be interpreted on my face while worrying about the children watching…wondering how this man can feel so little shame about his behaviour, learning that my own feelings don’t matter one bit, my own shame and guilt needing to be addressed.
-Feeling like you have no choice but to give in to a man who is drunk and though you worry about pregnancy you have to let him have ”his due” because he could hurt you while he is drunk and he speaks words that could frighten you yet they are not threats, they are just drunk demands and remarks off someone who is under the influence…So you learn to deal with danger.You soon learn to feel like a possession, an object and you soon start to think you get away with nothing bad done to you because you learn to put it all into perspective when you know other women are raped, assaulted sexually, mocked, used…My fate was always nothing to my eyes in comparison to what I could imagine other women must be going through, so I learned to accept and minimise.
Comparison was always my ultimate solution. My own form of acceptation.
Oh and being woken up too. The technique was always the same. I would wake up and freeze and wait for ”it” to be finished. I sometimes used to wake up before his urges expressed themselves, I ended up having an alarm clock, inherent to my body, the mind is a powerful reminder the hour has come…Slip out of bed quietly and go downstairs, wait for the threat to pass…
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He seems to always want sex just as I’m about to fall asleep. He knows how much I need sleep in order to function properly during the day but no if he wants it, he’ll get it.
He’ll say things to me like how its a necessity to have sex and that the human body needs it even if I don’t feel like it. He was saying that I had psychological issues that was preventing me from wanting to have sex because “physiologically” my body responds in a positive way (meaning non consentual sex is ok because your body doesnt resist). He kept accusing me of not making any effort.
All the times I’v been with him I’ve NEVER intiated sex. I think subconsciously it was because I new our relationship was wrong and that I never really loved him in that way. he always criticises me for not iniating but as much as I would like to (just to stop the harassment and complaints) I can not bring myself to do it. I never want to have sex with him which is a very worrying sign I know.
What I found confusing though, was how he would tell me stories in the past about how he used to withdraw sex from his past exes as “punishement” (i.e. if they did something that he didnt like – unrelated to sex- that he wouldn’t initiate or participate in sex just to ‘teach them a lesson’) then laugh about how the women were ‘craving’ him, ‘gagging’ or ‘begging’ him for it and he would eventually ‘give it to them’. He’s sick isn’t he?
However despite this, when it comes to me, sex is a necessity he needs constantly. He said he can’t understand why I’m not ‘craving him’ and he even told me he tried the trick on me and it didn’t work.So I guess instead he uses another tecnique of just constant harrassment, sexual coersion and even rape. Early in the relationship he made me do things that I didn’t want (i.e. oral sex) but over the past few years I’ve refused but it hasn’t stopped his constant ‘need’ for it.
He also controls everything i wear whether that’s inside or outside. When we first started a sexual relationship he ripped up my underwear becaiuse it wasn’t ‘grown-up enough’ (i.e. it wasn’t sexy enough) so now i hve to wear underway which he approves of. I have to sleep naked in bed depite me wanted to wear pj’s. I can’t wear vests, ot shorts – I can’t even wear ‘his’ sexy underwear to sleep. If I do, he just takes it off anyway and I can’t go to sleep because of all the unwanted sexual touching which evwntually leads onto unwated sex. But resisting makes it worse so I just let him in these circumstances.
He’s always dropping hints about sex, or ‘sleeping early’ when we haven’t had sex (usually 2 days after). I used to think all of this was normal because 1) I’ve never been with anyone else before 2) I was(am?) still quite young and naive 3) there were times occasionally when I enjoyed it because I loved him so much (I didn’t see the relationahip as abusive at all) so I thought the love was reciprocated.
Now, my thoughts are different. I still love him but not in the same way. I can’t iniate sex because I never feel like wanting to do it with him. So now everytime I just pretend, act as though I enjoy just to get it over and done with. If not, it just draggs on. He’s even told me once it felt like he was raping it because he thought I wasn’t enjoying it. Well, I can’t remeber what i said but I tried to reassure him that is was all OK(to prevent an oncoming pointless and relentless argument) but it wasn’t.
I have no friends or anyone to share my thoughts or experiences with. I can see now that he’s made it that way because he doesn’t want anyone to find out. I know I should report him but I’m still too scared.
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Every time I meet him his hands are in my pants. I tell him to stop but he carries on. He thinks I am just teasing but I am really uncomfortable. He rubs me for hours even after begging him to stop. He says if I am getting wet then I am enjoying it. I feel bad because I wonder if he is telling th truth. he isn’t affectionate when it comes to sex. He likes to continue pounding till he is satisfied. My No means nothing. He makes me pick up all the bills for everything. I don’t even know what I am doing anymore. I feel no emotions – I don’t cry, feel sad or smile. My life just feels empty
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All of this behaviour makes us feel so worthless. You have no choice but to cut of from your emotions just to keep going. It takes enormous courage and strength to hold it all together. Our bodies are biologically designed to react to stimulation, whether we want them to or not, it can feel very confusing. If you are able to get away from this abuse, I assure you your emotions will still be there underneath, because you’re doing a great job of protecting your most precious inner self. Once you are safe and free, all your sadness, anger, love and eventually joy will flow again x*x
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As BJIF said, you learn to disassociate with sex though still feeling like an object only for his satisfaction. The times that he approaches me early morning, waking me up so he can have sex, I give in and then spend the time facing away from him hating myself for allowing him to do this, the humiliation of sitting there masturbating him whilst he has his hand down my bra. The times I know he has been watching porn movies, wants sex with me and during the act, thrusts his tongue down my throat whilst tugging hard on my hair, like scenes I know have just been acted out on one of his movies. They think that because your body is biologically responding to them, this is affirmation that you are enjoying it whilst your thoughts and emotions are responding totally differently. It is all linked to their control of us and tending to their sexual needs regardless of our own feelings whilst hiding it behind an apparent act of love!
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I have been thinking that my ex fell into the Sexual Controller catagory as defined by Living with the Dominator. This makes me so sad, i entered into it for love and was treated like trash. The worse thing is you cannot see it clearly to deal with this. The after effects post split are devastating.
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Dear WhathaveIdone: Your paragraph here relates so closely to what I had, he was the sexual controller of me and probably a lot of women.
What I found confusing though, was how he would tell me stories in the past about how he used to withdraw s*x from his past exes as “punishement” (i.e. if they did something that he didnt like – unrelated to s*x- that he wouldn’t initiate or participate in s*x just to ‘teach them a lesson’) then laugh about how the women were ‘craving’ him, ‘gagging’ or ‘begging’ him for it and he would eventually ‘give it to them’. He’s sick isn’t he?
However despite this, when it comes to me, s*x is a necessity he needs constantly. He said he can’t understand why I’m not ‘craving him’ and he even told me he tried the trick on me and it didn’t work. -
After the Initial lovebombing which was a highly sexual time, he gradually stopped trying it on. After a while I noticed he were not trying it on at all, he went weeks without trying it on. I would have to initiate it.I now think this was another abuse tactic to make me crave and want him. Together with his silent treatment, gaslighting and withholding information.
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Thanks HA, for showing this post again. I found it strange to read such a positive post from myself back then, I was clearly having a good day! I’ve done a lot more work on this since then. The paragraph you highlighted was precisely the situation I was in. It just goes to show that they will choose whichever tactic suits their agenda. If we want sex it’s denied, if you don’t want it then it’s forced on us. Just as long as we don’t get to be in control. Just as long as we know that we, and our bodies, belong to them. I rarely found my ex attractive but I believed it was essential to please him so I would initiate sex to help him feel good about himself, to make the marriage ‘work’. He hated this and would insult, ignore, humiliate me then wait until I was asleep. He made sure I was always way too tired to wake up in time or see through his lies that I was so desperate I had initiated the sex in my sleep. As I had felt so rejected by the earlier behaviour this sounded possible somehow. I honestly believed for many years that I was the disgusting, perverted slapper he led me to believe I was. It caused me to loathe myself and self-harm compulsively. This recognition has been crucial to my recovery, it’s taken a lot of time and effort to overcome this belief. I think that’s a crucial part of my devastation when social services informed him of my childhood SA, the fact that I could imagine him saying “I knew there was something wrong with you etc”. They truly are sick but least I am finding myself now even though the very thought of intimacy horrifies me for now.
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I was asked two very simple questions: 1) do you think it’s possible to consent to sex while you are asleep? 2) do you think it’s possible to initiate sex while you are asleep?
It still shocks me after all this time. It’s still sinking in. Wow. I don’t know what makes me angrier, the violation, the total absence of conscience or making me turn against myself so completely for so long. -
Dear PP, yes some of the older posts still hold a lot of value don’t they. I find with No Contact and the passing of time things come into your mind of what you were dealing with, horrible things. i feel very uncomfortable at the realization that my ex was sexually controlling. Sex for a lot of women is a symbol of love commitment and affection isn’t it. To give this to someone with unsavory motives is scary.
I knew from the off sex with my ex was different. I have had a no. of partners. He was like some sort of supreme g****o, most certainly the most skilled partner that i had ever had. I found out later he studied sexual performance on internet websites. For some time our sex life was amazing, we spent most of our time in bed! Then he gradually stopped trying it on, he promised the usual fireworks and it wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. Then he stopped trying it on completely and would lay in my bed like a king of the castle with his arms behind his head and me laying next to him swooning and waiting. He deliberately would not try it on and I had to try it on if i want it. I now think this was designed to create craving and longing. It crossed my mind him and his best friend indulged in swingers or wife swap sort of scenarios too though this wasn’t obvious.
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This is all really sick and damaging for our psychological welfare isn’t it. I have asked myself why I have felt so trauma bonded since I split, all of these mind games have made me this way. Sexual abuse and withholding of affection as a tool of punishment, withholding of information to gaslight me and giving me the silent treatment, its all so damaging. I think these things were just the tip of the ice burg with him and I got out early.
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Mine would make usually very little effort to make it enjoyable when it was consensual. He made our he had little experience, though he consumed enough porn to know plenty. But every so often he would do something better and surprising. I think this was a tactic. Maybe to let me know he could do it better but I wasn’t worth the effort. Maybe to lead me to believe there was someone else (sometimes I think there was. Or maybe just more crumbs.
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I think it was a tactic, intermittent reinforcement, one of the crumbs of goodness and hope to keep you hooked & trying. (30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships). Its all mind games isn’t it, confusion on our part. If they were to communicate honestly and openly about things so much of this would no longer be an issue. i.e tell you they have learnt these new sexual techniques, ask to try it out & ask what you think. Or tell you he has sexual insecurity issues. You know what I mean. We are all left hanging and questioning reality. My ex acted like a supreme king of the castle after he had ‘got me’. Laying in bed like a royal king and I was his little servant who had to plead for a crumb of anything. I felt so needy, not for sex but just for his love again. Around this time i asked him was everything ok with us, he told me he has felt more sure about us than he has ever been.
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