Viewing 32 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #52686
      IrisAtwood
      Participant

      So often we don’t know whether what we are experiencing is emotional abuse. I thought it might be useful to provide specific examples. So here is my list. Perhaps if you are feeling strong enough you could add to it?

      He told me that he was going to take our pet to the vet to have her put to sleep because I was leaving.

      Refusing to tell me why he ended our relationship.

      Telling me to kill myself because my family would get over it and justifying it.

      Telling me he could show me a quick and painless way to kill myself.

      Telling me that I was crazy, that he felt sorry for me, that I never had a chance. Calling me insulting names associated with mental illness.

      Telling me that only he could help me with my mental illness and the personality disorder he decided I had.

      Asking me if my therapist was any good because he thought she was wrong for me.

      Telling me that my friends and family probably did think that I was boring and didn’t really like me.

      Telling me just before a celebration meal, that I had to discuss a serious and upsetting issue close family member and threatening to tell them himself if I didn’t.

      Telling me that I talked too much and was attention seeking after social occasions and suggesting that he tap my knee to tell me when to shut up.

      Telling me that I was embarrassing others when I was learning a foreign language, that it sounded horrible when I spoke it and others didn’t like it.

      Refusing to write a will or allow my name on the house deeds because he didn’t want our relationship to be about money.

      Telling me that the TV programmes I watched made me seem stupid and shallow.

      Telling me that wearing make up and styling my hair made me seem shallow and stupid.

      Telling me that my main interests were worthless and shouldn’t be funded or taught in higher education.

      Refusing to comfort me or even ask how I was when I had a major bereavement.

      Refusing to comfort me or even ask how I was when I lost my job.

      Losing his temper and telling me that he was far better educated than me when he got a question wrong on a trivial, ‘fun’ quiz.

      Telling me that his ex girlfriend was more intelligent than me.

      Asking me I if I thought I was good enough to do my job.

      Telling me that I was a bad kisser when he met me and he had to teach me how to kiss.

      Refusing to buy me food and drink when I asked for it because ‘I didn’t need it.’

      Telling his family that my family were a******s the first time I met them.

      Insisting that we walk several miles home when I was ill instead of getting a taxi.

      Refusing to accompany me to emergency medical visits.

      Refusing to listen to me if he didn’t feel like it and putting on headphones if I tried to talk.

      Refusing to have sex for a year with no explanation.

      Telling me that he had total disrespect for me.

      Denying that he had said and done things.

      Interrupting me and changing the subject frequently.

      Telling me that I had a bad memory and he was worried about it.

      All of this occurred within a relationship which seemed good to outsiders and often to me. We rarely argued, spent most of our time together and were very physically affectionate in provate and in public. We also shared a sense of humour and had similar (liberal) values. He frequently told me that he loved me and that I had saved his life.

    • #52689
      Tiffany
      Participant

      You could be talking about my ex.

    • #52702
      Lookingforjoy
      Participant

      Hi Iris
      I had a similar experience to yours. My husband who I still live with uses the same approach to put me down, like accusing me of beign a N*******t, denied sex for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years now. He tells I am disgusting and that I am a liar out of control. I had a serious operation and a threat of cancer and he while I was recovering was watching funny programs on TV and laughing out loud for hours while I was “scared and desperate” he refused to make me drinks and meals even when the doctor ordered me to not get out of bed for at least (detail removed by Moderator) weeks after the operation. And the funny story goes that all that he does in his eyes I am the one doing it. So he carries on perpetuating his abuse. We also have been seen like the perfect couple. Nobody believes what a nightmare I am in. It s (detail removed by Moderator) now that I don’t speak to him any more. We sleep in separate rooms. He called the domestic violence police on me and he fabricated “proves” against me of abuse, he took pictures of a bruise that I blamed me for and a broken rib. I never touched him! This scared me so much that I keep 2 metres apart now. The story will continue untill I make the move to leave. As per now I cannot afford to go anywhere and I need to look after my little dog. I m saving up so I can be financially independent to go. He will not go! Of course, he s ok beign the abuser! A friend told me that man like this don’t change! Ever. Hopefully one day we can all put it behind us and enjoy our life! I will not be living in terror! I am very sorry you and many women have to suffer like this. And endure for so long before recognising the abuse!

      • #52708
        iwillbeok
        Participant

        I think you are extremely strong lady lookingforjoy! While I was miserable for a long time in hindsight, I was stuck in the F.O.G. – the scales fell from my eyes and I was lucky to be free of him after a relatively short time. And in that short time I was a walking wreck!

        I hope you find safety and freedom very soon
        Xx

    • #52707
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      So many matches with you ladies. Is there really not some secret book out there (detail removed by Moderator)?!

      – telling me that he was the only one who truly understood me and my family weren’t proud of me
      – telling me I was the only person he had issues with communication
      – if I was late home it was because I was with my boyfriend (if I reacted there must have been truth in it as he had “clearly touched a nerve”; if I ignored him then it was true as “you didn’t deny it”!!)
      – when I got upset at something he had done, I was reacting like a petulant teenager
      – constantly cut me off in conversation but if he was interupted heaven help me!
      – backhanded compliments while pointing out some flaw
      – if I did put makeup on (very infrequently) “who are you trying to impress?”
      – if I laughed he’d either call me grumpy (crazy making!) or point out “oh so you do have a sense of humour”
      – constant judgement of my driving (critical and then “you’re actually a pretty good driver” like it was a surprise)
      – always had to rush to finish my meal if out as he decided was time to go
      – he decided bedtime and would get annoyed if I fell asleep in front of TV
      – tantrums and rages when things didn’t go his way/couldn’t find something/if I corrected or disagreed with him
      – general undermining, dismissing, sarcasm, belittling etc

      I am frequently surprised by the number of abusers that threaten suicide. Mine didn’t seem to do it in direct reaction to something I had done (eg if you leave I’ll…) but it was thrown about in his tantrums. He came to me at one time, appearing calm and rational, and wanted me to help him suicide. He claimed he was depressed etc. Magically cured the next day after I got upset, declared my devotion etc. I know now this was a trauma bonding exercise on his part.

    • #52712
      cloudyday
      Participant

      OMG ditto Iwillbeok
      – .Im scared to fall asleep in front of tv even though Ive been at work all day and he is unemployed! Says Im boring and too tired for sex.
      -Doesnt live with me and keeps me on the phone for hours at night until sometimes I have fallen asleep while he is on the phone. Big mistake.
      -Constant accusations of cheating and disgusting innunedos regarding sex. Makes me feel dirty Things have escalated so much over Christmas Ive never felt so low!
      -Leaves me on New Years eve after argument to see New Year in alone and then texts me Happy New year with a kiss just after midnight. I absolutely feel like Im going crazy.
      -Shouting at me, swearing at me then a few hours later saying he loves me.
      Ignoring me for a day then bombarding me with calls. If dont pick up then my life is made hell.
      -not allowed to go to exercise class with my daughter as men are there and Im on the look out.
      -scared when my mum calls as he doesnt like me speaking to her as my whole family hate him.
      – goes through my phone checking my calls and messages.
      – not allowed to work 15 minutes later than usual or Im having an affair with a work colleague.
      – must be available to pick up phone at all times, even when Im working.

      and on and on

    • #52713
      cloudyday
      Participant

      Oh and I forgot the big one. Constantly threatening suicide

    • #52715
      Serenity
      Participant

      Dear Iris,

      I felt tearful when I read you post ( and other ladies’ responses).

      Many of your examples made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck, because my ex did exactly the same. And other examples made me angry simply because they were so awful.

      When I first joined this forum, I also wrote a list of examples of what my ex husband had done, and I asked the ladies to tell me if it was abuse. Of course, they all said yes. But I was so beaten down, I couldn’t see what the truth was anymore.

      My ex made me feel I deserved it, or that I had ideas above my station in thinking I deserved to be treated well. To this day, I have a hard time believing that I deserve things. Of course, I know logically that he has just- as many abusers do- damaged my sense of self and my self esteem. I need to fight his critical voice in my head even now.

      It’s strange how we feel so angry when we hear about the abuse others have suffered, and yet tolerate or question the severity of things when it happens to us.

      I hope that everyone here
      goes from strength to strength, and never questions that they didn’t deserve the abuse or how bad the abuse was. Emotional abuse is hideous and insidious. I hope we can all wash these abusers right out of our hair and have a beautiful future, as we deserve.

    • #52724
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Breaking things in the house then telling me he hadn’t been near the object

      Lying to my face with absolute calmness

      Telling me that I needed to text him each morning otherwise he would ‘vomit with anxiety’

      Pretending that my text messages hadn’t got through to him causing me stress

      Casually asking my whereabouts each day and who I’d been with

      Telling me not to talk about our relationship to my mum or friends

      Telling me to stop using search engines to look up things I was wondering about and to ask him instead!

      Saying that I ‘belonged down there’ when I rested my head on his lap, making me feel degraded and like some kind of s**t/prostitute

      Making repeated jokes about the portion size of a dinner I ate then backtracking it with ‘I only mention it because you normally have such a small appetite’

      Narrowing his eyes at me

      Making a subtle yet obvious disgusted face when I was stark naked and some comment about how he preferred me in underwear, which made me suddenly feel ugly and self conscious

      Showing me pictures of a glamour model online that he follows ‘by accident’

      Pointing out a blemish ‘out of concern’

      Trying to get me to go to therapy because he said I was ‘imagining things’

      Acting all sweet and happy and loving in texts then being weirdly cold, distant and mocking when I went round to see him

      Acting different on one night of the week to at the weekend yet denying point blank there was a difference

      Tricking me into watching violent films

      Putting violent video games on when I visited him then getting angry with me when I said I didn’t like them

      Pretending that he’d run out of condoms then ‘finding’ them when I said we couldn’t have sex

      Constantly lying about everything and anything, I’ll never know what was true and what wasn’t

      Probably cheating on me with at least one but I suspect several others

      Going silent on me, denying there was a problem then angrily snapping at me

      If I brought up anything I was concerned about he would flip it round, cast me as the villain and him as the victim and I’d find myself apologising

      Threatening me when he didn’t like me asking him about something

      Lots of teasing, mocking, put downs disguised as ‘jokes,’ lots of sarcasm

      Tricking me into walking round an isolated, cut off, deserted countryside area with in low visibility at nightfall then ‘rescuing me’

      Not comforting me when I was upset, blanking me completely like I was an irritation

      Acting annoyed if I didn’t want to spend lots of time with him or stay over at his house all the time

      Monitoring the time it took me to get from one place to another, asking me if I had ‘stopped off on the way somewhere’

      Trying to ruin a business meeting I had, I think he was slowly trying to sabotage my career

    • #52727
      IrisAtwood
      Participant

      Thank you to everyone that has shared. It really helps to read these examples and yes, it is so strange that I can also easily see emotional abuse that other women were suffering, but I always had an explanation (excuses) for his behaviour: mental illness, emotionally immature, on the spectrum of a developmental disorder.

      The funny thing was that he never insulted or abused anyone else. Huge indicator that he was an abuser not a helpless victim of his disorders.

      My ex was also suicidal at times and would disappear with an item that he was going to use to do it. It broke my heart.

    • #52729
      IrisAtwood
      Participant

      Sunshine, that is horrendous. That back tracking and pretending and lying alongside everything else is horrible.

      Your examples also reminded me that my ex also said that it was a shame that my face was so badly marked (I have some acne scarring that I was very self conscious about when younger). It was totally out of the blue and I hadn’t asked him or made any comment about my own skin.

      I was also reminded of him criticising me for laughing too much and too loudly when I was watching something on TV. I became self conscious about how I laughed and didn’t laugh much after that.

    • #52736
      puzzledatlife
      Participant

      It is very strange, because my ex didn’t do any of these things. He was the most loving and the best boyfriend one could hope to have.
      However, I try to put in in bullets as you have done
      – one day out of the blue wrote me a letter and said he was not going to come on our hol together, and was moving out. There were reasons relating to his own kids, and problems they were experiencing, independent of our relationship, but he did not talk to any of us, and just went.
      – On the same occasion, he did not speak to my family to apologise, though it was a family hol with my side of the family for a bday of one of my older relatives. They paid for both of us to go and he sent me off alone.
      – I asked him if that was what he wanted to clear up and leave the key in the mail box. He kept the key. I changed the locker and he told me off for that.
      – He did not discuss with me where his kid would be taken; though I had taken care of her, I was suddenly denied any say.
      – The week before we were discussing our wedding, that had to come in 3 weeks time. He told me I was the best thing ever happened to him.
      – After he left he texted me that our relationship was abusive, coming home was like coming in a pressure cooker, and if he hadn’t gone that way he’d be crazy. If his girls were in a relationship like ours, he’d break in to rescue them.
      – He left important things in my house, and he said that he needed them while I was on hols, and asked me to break in through the window. When I said no he accused me of being spiteful and revengeful.
      – After that episode I asked him to leave me alone and he kept ringing me because he wanted to enter in my house.
      – When I went back from my hol, he appeared unannounced at the door to grab his last stuff. I wanted to talk and asked him to come in for a chat because I could not understand what had happened. He was aggressive, told him I scared him and he would not talk to me as I was abusive and scared him.
      – Over the following weeks he seemed more normal and eventually we got back together, but he never told me where he was living and I never felt I was in the position to ask to go and see where he was staying. He said in hotels and temporary accomodations.
      – He brought me his girl only 2 or 3 times in 2 months, though I missed her enormously and had taken care for her for a long time. Said she did not fancy coming.
      – Asked him one night if he could ring me cos girl was with him and I wanted to hear their voices. He did not.
      – Disappeared after the above, not answer my messages and calls.
      – After 1 week text me to say we are best apart as he cannot give me what I want and deserve.
      – Leaves me and my son along in his country away from our family for xmas
      – Was due to help me out on a day in which I had medical procedure and didn’t care of that and impact on my son.
      – After 1 week text me to say happy new year and hopes me and my child are well.
      – Puts all thumbs up to the very few things I have posted on FB, including pics of my son an my own photos.
      – All our relationship up until that point he had never been bad to me in any way. But overwhelmed by his own personal problems: issues with the mothers of his kids (one constantly suicidal, the other was rescued after serious suicide attempt; huge debt; kids out of control; unhealthy pets cos of no money; overwhelming job, lots of commuting, always tired, always under blackmail from his exes). I wonder whether I was a captive of his problems?
      Are personal problems a form of emotional blackmail towards the other? Or am I in the wrong forum? Maybe I am the one who has problems of over attachment and don’t want to accept separation? I am still so confused, now it has been one months since he last left and I don’t seem to get better.

    • #52746
      likevue
      Participant

      Here are a few more:

      – saying i was being obtuse when i made a joke, as if he thought i was being serious.
      – putting me down in front of his friends
      – telling me i breathe so loudly while lying in bed awake (e.g. reading a book) that he can’t sleep in the same room
      – being amazed and impressed when we’ve had an intellectually stimulating conversation
      – saying he is surprised at how happily i go along with things he wants to do in bed, when i didn’t want to do them in the first place
      – asking for permission to go and have sex with a friend because a) he wanted to know what sex was like with someone else (I was his first sex partner) and b) because i would refuse to do certain things in bed (and I gave permission!!).
      – deliberately keeping his hand on my belly when cuddling, and saying afterwards he did that to tell me he’s noticed I’ve put on weight
      – despite home life being high tension and icy cold for weeks, giving me a really cute lovey dovey anniversary card with a long hand-written message, as if we were happy, and being disappointed i hadn’t done the same
      – asking whether i will still be his friend if we break up
      – once i said something like “why can’t you be more affectionate”, and immediately he turned on the charm and acted like he had done in the beginning of our relationship, cuddling and looking at me with puppy eyes. that *really* made my blood run cold.

    • #52755

      Can relate to so many of these 🙁
      Here are a few more:
      -telling me he will turn our daughter against me and make her hate me when she grows up
      -telling me he will take our daughter away
      -calling me thick, stupid, r******d
      -calling me deaf because I miss hear things and saying he will only go to the doctors about his anger if I go about my hearing
      -takes the pram off me when we are crossing roads and saying I have no spacial awareness.
      -calling me weak physically and mentally
      -making fun of me when I’m crying by saying I’m a child or pathetic
      -comparing me to other women in a nasty way
      -he once told me when I was having a checkup with my midwife when our daughter was 3 weeks old, he said “now when she comes round don’t be all dramatic and fake having post natal depression or anything to get attention” I luckily did not have PND but I had to pretend everything was perfect otherwise he would of flipped
      -losing his temper if I am late home from work
      -losing his temper, getting jealous and accusing me of flirting if I ever mention a mans name in the house
      -losing his temper if I have male friends
      -tried to stop me returning to work
      -making things up that I have supposedly said for reasons for him to get angry at me
      -lying about everything and anything
      -uses sex as a weapon (told me if I did
      Not do him sexual favours he would withhold any money he got to help pay for our daughters things
      -degrades my job. Says things like “a monkey could do your job, it’s not exactly hard work”
      -takes the mick out of how I speak
      – makes negative comments on what I eat and my weight
      -tried to pressure me into having another child
      -pressures me to have sex with him and if I don’t he gets angry
      -tries to make me late for work on purpose so I get in trouble
      -threatens to hurt my cats
      -has thrown all cat food in the bin and has told me they aren’t allowed to be fed in this house anymore
      -when I told him that my dad sexually abused me and then I mentioned it again he told me I was crazy and that he didn’t want to hear another word about it
      -says I’m too emotional/crazy/hormonal
      -calls me a s**g and a s**t because I have a tattoo and because I used to drink before I met him
      -demanded to know how many people I had slept with
      -when I was pregnant I wasn’t allowed to eat in the same room as him unless it was tea time because I chewed too loudly and it annoyed him
      -saying he will wake our child up from her nap on purpose because she woke him up in t night because she’s a baby and that’s what they do.
      -has told me no one comes to the house because I’m sour and no one likes me
      -berates my family
      -has made homophobic comments about my brother.
      -said my family weren’t allowed in our house
      -when our daughter was younger if I went out he’d be messaging and messaging asking when I was coming back. I once went to get my hair done and he was messaging me getting angry at the amount of time it was taking because he wanted to go and smoke and our daughter wouldn’t be put down
      -when I didn’t work and was on mat leave he called me lazy and said I did nothing
      -tells me all the time that I don’t know
      What hard work is
      -says I “don’t have a clue about anything” and that I’m just a mindless sheep

    • #52757

      Sorry I forgot a couple of big ones:
      -refusing to get up with our daughter and saying if I made him then he’d be angry at me
      Me and be in a bad mood with her
      -telling me he’d kill himself if I left him
      -breaking things in our house and punching things like doors, walls.
      -trying to get me to change my appearance
      -ringing his mum up in an argument and putting her on loud speaker and saying things like “my girlfriend doesn’t want you to have the baby ever again cause she doesn’t trust you” which he knew would cause an argument between me and his mum and I had never even said such a thing
      -questions my parenting skills and tells me it’s my fault if our daughter falls over or hurts herself
      -swears at me and my daughter a lot especially if he’s in a really bad mood
      -checks my phone when I’m asleep. Some of you who saw my post the other day will know he locked me in the house so he could go outside to check my phone. When I was going away for the weekend he also threatened to take my phone to work with him so I couldn’t go
      -has threatened to smash my phone
      -asks to see my bank accounts
      -makes me feel scared to ask him things
      -talks to me like I’m the child and he’s the parent
      -makes fun of my friends and mimicks their voices
      This has actually helped a lot to write the soms things he does down so thankyou.

    • #52762
      fridges
      Participant

      With the first one ex
      – first he would be loving caring for a short period, than he disregard me. When you already invested time into relationship, he presented nice future with him, how thing could have been . And then drop you, so suddenly. Then when you pull yourself together and move on, he will not give you to move on, he will follow you, beg you to forgive, he made the biggest mistake of his life, by treating you badly, he wants to be with you and so on. I have been many times on this roller coaster.
      – playing mind games, playing on your feelings, making you believe no one loves you, no one is a good friend to you, they all there for a reason. And bad people, and giving many invented examples why. Taking the words of the content.
      – cutting you with time from everyone, so your contact is with him only, and the people whom he knows. in front of whom he will put the fake mask, that he is a good partner. He is ideal man and everywomen dream about him. When we meet his mum, or anyone from his circle. I was forced to say how good he is. And he was always looking at me or sitting next to me during these times, he will not leave me alone to talk to anyone. He was forcing me to pretend i’m so happy with him, that he is great. High morals and so on.
      – shouting at me if I had my opinion on anything. I must think like him, I must have exactly the same opinion like him. I have no right to have my judgement. My thoughts are always false, stupid, retarding. Actually he was shouting so much, that his face will turn red and the white thing around his mouth will appear.
      – making a mockery of how I speak English, that I have an accent. That I should stop saying anything, as it makes me stupid and not educated.
      – shaming my body in all possible ways. Like you look so out of shape and ugly. Despite that I was maximum size 12
      – controlling my food, he will allow me to eat only what he wants to make me eat or think it is the right thing for me.
      – making me to eat the food, which makes my stomach very upset, due to allergy, and insisting it is only my imagination and nonsense, which I invented.
      – I lost weight up to size 6/8 and I was still called extremely fat, out of shape, and I’m the most ugliest girlfriend he had ever in his life.
      – I was not allowed to go to the hairdresser, made me to cut my hair extremely short and which did not suit me at all. This was very upsetting for me to be without locks, I did not feel feminine at all. When this ugly hair cut, need to revised, I could not even start to say I need something to change, with hair.
      – not allowing me to put make up, saying I look like a w***e.
      – if I want to wear skinny jeans, again i’m a s**t, any beautiful clothes or I try to make myself pretty, i was called s**t and so on.
      – he made me to give away all nice clothes, and replace from charity, or Mark and Spencer, long skirts, chubby clothes. If i did not want to wear one coat or something he bought it, he would start you do not love me at all, as you do not want to do it.
      – i’m fat, my boobs are hanging, my a*s is the ugliest he ever seen, the list can go on.
      – taking xanax to sleep and regulate his anger outburst, and putting on me, that It is my fault he can not sleep, and he is constantly angry and at the edge. I do not comply with his demands.
      – talking about taking too much xanax.
      – cutting me of from my mother, and family, he knew i had a difficult time growing up, my step father was drinker. And he did all possible, i will be to speaking to family at all. there was a time, i did not hear my mums voice for almost 18 months or anyone from family. He took my phone and all contacts from there, and gave me a new phone, just for him.
      – phone thing it happened not only one time. He destroyed my belongings before. Music player, my cosmetic, my clothes.
      – monitoring ALL contacts which i had. Absolutely everything, I need to read him all emails which i had, or any text message i get.
      – lies, lies and lies. with not even blinking. And if things do not add up. I’m the paranoid, crazy, r****d, stupid East European.
      – be nice to people around for one hour and so, then making bad, sarcastic, horrible comments about others. Everyone was a looser, but not him.
      – hitting subjects, destroying things.
      – during holiday, when he was on good .period, we had an argument and he just pushed me out in pyjamas out of the apartment, by force, shut the door, I did not even have a wallet, or passport, neither I knew anyone. I was sitting and crying, give me my passport and my luggage I will leave. after hours he let me in and saying so sorry, he will never do this again. He loves me. The roller coaster started again.
      – gave me bad oyster to eat, knowing that it was bad, as it was dark. I fell very ill, for 3/4 days no sleep, and he refused to take me to hospital, or call doctor, i was not in condition to move, or to reach the phone myself. Making fun out of me that i’m too sensitive and overreacting.
      – at age (detail removed by moderator) i was too old and to study, to master degree in uk, and i’m too stupid for this anyway, and not worth of government helping such retards like me. look the way you speak english, you open your month, you will be a clown.
      – making me to spend all my savings from my home country ( with what i was planning to support myself during studies here)
      – not letting me to work, saying he will support me, give me a bit of money and then withdraw it suddenly, so i can not plan my expenses and bills are coming. It happened number of times. So during this accidents I happen to pay for life from savings.
      – sabotage me when I ever i tried to change my circumstances, go to the language school ( it is not worth it, or making me scandals, making me to the emotional break down, so I ending up crying and missing the school, or demanding attention on him, that i’m cruel partner not giving him time and on this particular day i need to study, he is really need me)
      – telling me that all men want only to have sex with me, as i’m east European and for this what are there. We are the cheap w****s who come here and are there to made to serve men. That no one will take me seriously of marrying me, or having a family with me. But he will. He is english, and he knows what he is talking about. He knows the mentality of people and I’m stupid do not see it.
      – when i was being creative, he will make a fun out of me, that i’m having no talents at all. The best option what i could have in life and the extend i can go in life, it is to be with him and settle with him. And I should be forever grateful that an english man is offering me this. As no one else ever will do this to me. Look you are worthless, look in the mirror, who will want you? But i do love you and i will be with you
      – that i have no fashion sense at all, and whatever i choose is not suiting me at all, and i make a fool out of myself.
      – when it was coming to the end, he carrying on abuse and having a new girlfriend from China, he openly was telling in my face. It was my fault that he need to see other women, as i’m so disgusting. and i’m so ugly. And he need to have sex, and he can not do it with me.
      – he was into bdsm – try to force me to do it couple times, i was declining, this was very weird fetish.
      – in the beginning i did not even know what it is, then when i asked what it is, he went on internet and showed me the photos. this was a big alarm.
      – he had porn movies, really weird one, with ladyboys, or very skinny women, looking like children. I do not know but possession of porn is kind of disgusting and looking at it too. And later i read that it is not good at all, people who addicted to it, are not healthy in their head.
      – couple time he was forcing me to watch with him, as i’m not knowing how to please him.
      – denying me if i want something to drink or to eat when we are out. it must be done on times when he feels it is right.
      and i need to eat what he wants me to eat, not what i want.
      – constantly calling me when he was away and i’m in other place, if i do not answer the phone, or i do not answer quick enough – i’m a w***e.
      – leaving me nasty voice messages, texts, emails. full of treats and abuse.
      – when I tried to be independent, he always sabotage me.
      – when in the beginning i was feeling safe to share personal things, he later will use them in arguments, making things up, turning things around, to hurt me with it. Constantly looking for my weak spots, where to hurt the most.

    • #52763
      fridges
      Participant

      i forgot more…
      – he was using the numbers of dating sites, and showing me other women, who wants to date him and be with him. Showing that they find him attractive.
      – showing me the photos of other women he was knowing in the past, and look how attractive they are.
      – all his past girlfriends, are regretting that the relationship broke down. Have to mention they all always have been much younger than him, and foreigners. No english women will look at him, as if he will abuse them in UK, he was aware of someone could ask about help. But us foreigners we do not know about it. Or who came just to the country.
      – always keeping in touch with many women at the same time, like there is one to pull out, if he need one.
      – going to the countries – where sex trade was cheap, as he is very mean. Where child sex is available for cheap and get away with it. Somehow he always was choosing the weird places to visit.

    • #52764
      fridges
      Participant

      – controlling my money, spending my money, taking my money without my permission, or with lies, stealing. spending what i have earned on himself or on what he decides, and i was not allowed to spend or to regulate them.

    • #52829
      Tractor
      Participant

      This is a really good post I’ve found it really helpful .

      – checking my Google maps where I’ve been going through my phone in fine detail whilst I’m asleep screen shot to come back to
      – accused of affair with older man who asked me exs a lift to work when car broke
      – you’re potty go and take your pills
      – maybe if you didn’t have a wine in your hand every night you’d be able to control your kids
      – never ever does washing one time did he put my favourite top in with reds it was ruined
      – you do know our son will want to live with me when he older nothing you can do about it
      – lazy on maternity leave treat it like a holiday hanging out with my mates who were on mat leave house should be spotless if you’re not in work. Maternity leave is your job
      – wouldn’t pay half bills all came out of my bank but claimed he spent well more on food petrol etc and I milked him dry! Asking for bits of money well what did you spend the last twenty quid on ? !
      – why you getting annoyed that’s a guilty response !
      – told him I was struggling with bad anxiety told me to stop feeling sorry for myself yet when his ex said it he was all for helping but his response was that he knew our son was safe but his other son wouldn’t be !
      – everybody knows how crazy I am he was warned about me !
      – walks straight past me when gets in from work rude says he works harder than me I wouldn’t undertand
      – all you do is push a pen around all day don’t know what hard work is
      – never done one single night feed
      – keeps TV on late at night my fault I sleep too much!

      But then turns it all round makes you feel like it’s you

    • #52855
      fridges
      Participant

      Tractor, you mentioned one thing about clothes.
      – mine used to wash my good clothes on 90 degrees, like cashmere jumpers, which he did not buy for me, or my silky blouses, or good lingerie. He was ruining with an intention. And then taking out from the washing machine, saying sorry, I did this by accident with very innocent face. It happened not only one time. One more weird thing.

    • #52871
      LizSKY
      Participant

      Reading through this thread has been such an ‘eye opener’ into different types of emotional abuse. While at the same time it’s really sad to read what each of you have been through/are going through.

      A couple that I think may fit into this

      – constantly lying to my face about the women he is texting
      – calling me at work constantly and getting angry with me or my colleagues when I can’t keep talking to him or he can’t get hold of me (for no good reason)
      – telling me I treat the kids differently and how awful it is as I took one out for lunch today (because we were out over lunchtime)
      – one of my kids had an accident and he blamed me and said it wouldn’t have happened if they were with him
      – leaving me in hospital after having my baby telling me he would come back then not showing up
      – going out for nights out and not coming back for days but purposely not replying to any calls or texts when I was just seeing if he is ok

    • #52873
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Did any of your abusers do this weird thing where they are apparently referring to someone else who does something that annoys them but when you take a step back you can see that really they are talking about you? Like an indirect insult/criticism right to your face that they can deny. For example, my ex used to say that one of his friend’s girlfriends did something he found really annoying that ‘used to go right through him.’ In hindsight I can see that I do the thing he was talking about so he was obviously trying to tell me to stop doing this thing without saying it to my face. Very subtle, sneaky and passive aggressive.

      Another time when I apologised for being ill a lot (which was actually due to him I just didn’t realise it at the time), he said it wasn’t a problem, but then told me about some mysterious girl ‘he used to date who was ill all the time and how much it annoyed him.’ He then also said about this ‘girl’ that she tried to get him to define their relationship so that they would use the term boyfriend/girlfriend implying that she was jumping the gun, being presumptuous and that he was too good for her and didn’t want to commit.

      About a month earlier I had asked if I should start using the term ‘boyfriend’ to refer to him because people had been asking me about him and I didn’t know what to say. We’d been spending loads of time together, sleeping together and acting like a couple for a few months and he had been very keen to be with me so it seemed natural. He reacted quite strange when I asked him and I remember being a bit hurt but didn’t see it as a red flag. I think him bringing it up pretending he was talking about someone else was a way to punish me for what he saw as trying to ‘tie him down.’ The arrogance of these men is staggering.

      I can see now that he wanted all the benefits of being in a relationship with me without committing and being faithful and honest. What an a*****e. He always just seemed to sweet and innocent so much of the time that I rationalised and forgave everything as I couldnt in a million years imagine him wanting to hurt me or cheat on me when he was the one who was really keen on me! Plus a lot of his emotional abuse was really subtle and hard to detect, I’d often only realise a few days later but if I brought it up he got angry and said I could only bring things up at the time!!

      He also used to do this thing where he would tell some misogynistic joke or story but try to pass it off as being normal/not misogynistic through gaslighting. It was so confusing, I am a feminist and I think he hated that and was trying to break me and my feminism down in a way that I wouldn’t realise. I am glad that I always stuck to my beliefs on these occasions and refused to agree with him which made him seethe with anger lol. He 100% pretended to be a feminist when I met him so it was really confusing.

      I really hope to never have to deal with one of these abominations ever again, my ex was literally like the devil disguised as an angel.

    • #52890
      mantra
      Participant

      A year since leaving & I am still suffering ‘remote’ abuse as he hangs up on my adult kids or wont speak to them for a week if they even mention seeing me.I feel him all around me, visualise him storming into the room, am so scared I will bump into him & his huge anger.He upsets them by saying awful lies about me & makes them feel guilty & that they need to be secretive about seeing me. I am so deeply depressed that I am beginning to think maybe it is me after all, maybe I am mad , like he said I was. He gave me a sealed letter when I finally was helped to leave, he told me not to open it yet but it would tell me what he knew was in my head & I would discover he was right because he knows everything. I was never allowed to express unhappyness, anger or disagree with him on anything or he would leave me in a very black punishing place. He said he loved me & everything he did was for me , us , our family even when it came to cutting off our daughter & letting none of us even say her name.
      sorry, I am waiting for a support worker & have had nobody to talk to for about this, I am doubting my own sanity & whether I will ever recover

    • #52899
      lilaclady
      Participant

      A lot of this has resonated with me… not sure if mine are but here’s just some

      – Ignoring me for days after he had exploded with anger then suddenly being super nice and denying anything had happened.
      – Always denying the things he said.The insults the shouting. He would in fact say I was shouting and angry when I wasn’t at all, wasn’t even saying anything.
      – Being angry if I ever talked to my friends or family about anything in our relationship
      – If I went out to see friends he would act all sad like I was abandoning him. So then I wouldn’t go out.
      – Telling me to get out of HIS house, it’s my house get out. Then a few hours later being fine and over nice to me.
      -Criticising my clothes or hair. It was weird or what are YOU wearing?
      – Being vile to me at home then if we went out being super nice a quick switch in front of people just like that.
      – Saying to me if he killed himself it would be all my fault.
      – Many many backhanded compliments “you’ve got a new job, hope you’ll actually be good at it”
      – If ever I cried (I learnt not to when he was awful) I was a victim “look at you being the victim”

      I feel so sad reading all these posts but in a weird way I feel stronger for writing these down does that make sense? The amount of times I would feel like I was going mad, had imagined things…I still do sometimes!

    • #52944
      Starsindarkness
      Participant

      This post is so sad, but also enlightening because it just proves that I wasn’t crazy, that he did these things and it was abuse, it wasn’t my fault.

      – threatening suicide if I didn’t make the over an hour trip to his house even when I had classes the next morning

      – constantly calling me nicknames, all of which had “big” or “fat” in them, but it’s all ok. Because it’s a ‘joke’. I’m not even fat, that’s the thing.

      – then when I would try to diet, he would go to the shop buy loads of c**p food and make me eat it through guilt- “I’ve just gone out my way to do something nice and buy you treats and you’re wasting MY money” he just wanted me to fail at everything

      – If i ever saw my friends he would act like he wanted me to go and have fun. But then always start a random arguement over text/phonecalls while I was out so it would ruin my night and I’d have to come home.

      – over 50 missed calls every time I didn’t pick up the phone because it wasn’t on me

      – waking up in the night to him fuming next to me going through my social media trying to find evidence of my “wrongdoings” even though there never were any. He wouldn’t stop until I admitted something but most of the time I didn’t have anything to admit?

      – threatening my life and my families life if I didn’t do what he said

      – saying I need to go in a psychiatric ward because I am a manic depressive (his diagnosis)

      – saying I’m a depressive person, everyone I’m close to I turn depressed, this is why he is the way he is.

      – constantly comparing his goals and ambition to mine, saying he’s making something of himself whilst I’ll always be a nobody. A nothing. Bare in mind he has no GCSEs and I’m doing a masters.

      – telling me everyone would be better off if I was dead

      – had to know what I was doing constantly

      – made out that I deserve everything I get because I’m “emotionally cold”

      – theatening to leave my child on the side of a road when I knew he was in the car with him and I wasn’t there unless I did what he wanted me to do

      – damaging my property and threatening to do more if I messed with him again

      – threatening to tell my family embarrassing and personal details of my life If I saw them instead of him

      – turning up at my house randomly and saying he will kill himself if I don’t let him in

      – saying I need to give him more sex or he will go elsewhere

      – constantly saying he’s too good for me and I’m lucky he’s with me

      – sending pictures of myself to me over text pointing out how ugly I look

      These were just off the top of my head and went along with physical abuse. There was a lot more abusive words, nearly every day. I can’t believe I didn’t see all these things as abusive at the time (except physical). Personally the words hurt me the most, because they gradually broke me down until I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

    • #52948
      Starsindarkness
      Participant

      adding to the list
      – he would talk to my toddler whilst I was in the room in the most pleasant voice but the words he was saying was all insults to me

      – pointing out flaws but making out like he’s just doing it to let me know like I already didn’t know

      – throwing away dinner I made if it wasn’t up to standards

      Constant aggressive behavior whether it be passive aggressive or just outright vindictive

    • #52975
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      Wow! So many harrowing stories.

      Here’s my list:

      – Told me that I should be afraid of him
      -Called me a c**t.
      -Told me I never made an effort for Birthdays, Christmas, etc.
      – Said I like my family more than him.
      – Got angry if I ever wanted to go somewhere with friends.
      -Constantly belittled my family but was happy to take money from them.
      – Would scream at me because I hadn’t done something but then would scream at me that I was doing it wrong.
      – he punched the dashboard when he got mad.
      – Would say I was the reason we never went anywhere, even when I told him all the places we had been.
      – If he got angry enough he would get mad if I moved and he hadn’t said I could.
      – if I cried he would ask why I was crying when it was my fault anyway.
      – He’d tell me he was going to stay mad as long as he liked and I’d have to deal with it.
      – He’d throw things, kick things, punch things in a fit of anger.
      – constantly made me question my own sanity.
      – He’d tell me he should’ve know what I was like when he met me. Then he’d chose something from when we met and make me out to be horrible because of it.
      – He’d ask what I wanted to do then get mad if he didn’t like it.
      – if I planned stuff I wasn’t spontaneous enough.
      – if I didn’t plan that would be screamed at for being disorganised.

      Wow I didn’t think my list would be so long. That’s been insightful. I was questioning things today but that has helped enormously.

      Thanks ladies!

    • #53048
      cloudyday
      Participant

      I can relate to so many of the things all you ladies have listed here. It makes me realise I am not alone and we are all going through similar stuff. I just wanted to add to the long list of stuff these abusers do to us to make us feel like we are going crazy in our heads. They are p**********c controlling n*********s.

      – phoning and verbally abusing me putting phone down and blocking me for hours.
      -accusations that I am cheating with my next door neighbour, work colleagues, his brother, window cleaners etc
      – denying he has said hurtful things.
      – being loving and then within the space of a few hours being hateful to me.
      – calling me a C..t and a S..g
      – not allowing me to see friends and if I do then baring the consequences for days afterwards.
      – bombarding me with calls and text messages if I try to finish the relationship and then turning up at the house and letting himself in secretly.
      – Mocking me and then saying I cant take a joke.
      – telling me my family dont love me.
      – while instigating an argument phoning his mother in the middle of it and slagging me off.
      – not allowing me to defend myself verbally by talking over me and then getting angry.
      – blaming everything on me, everything is my fault and I am a disgusting person.
      – checking my phone calls and messages.
      -constantly talking about his ex girlfriends.
      -not allowing me to plan anything as he says I am trying to control him.
      -constantly leaving me in a state of anxiety and worry.
      -wanting to visit my seriously ill friend at her home and have been accused of lying and we are both out meeting men.
      -telling me I really rate myself and love myself.
      -pointing out any physical flaws under the pretence of a joke.
      – when I cry telling me I am not really upset Im just pretending.
      -accusing me of not being loving to him and losing interest and feeling sorry for himself.
      – saying he will come to a hospital appointment with me and then causing an argument and letting me think I have to go alone and then showing up at the last minute.
      – cut up my shoes and some of my clothes in anger as said skirts were too short.
      -monitoring my whereabouts at all times.

    • #53229
      Shaz
      Participant

      Hi all. I’ve read through this and I just can’t believe how many of these things I recognise. Some of them to a larger or lesser degree. Here are some that have just come to mind:
      – telling me really frightening worrying stories about himself then telling me that he just made it all up (that messes with your head)
      – pretending to be asleep on the train as we were approaching his stop (I didn’t know where we were or how I could get back if he stayed asleep). I made a show of myself trying to ‘wake him up’ (he was wide awake the whole time) and then he berated me the whole way home for showing him up
      – going crazy at me at parties or nights out and having to walk home 1/2 a mile behind him because he had stormed off
      – wouldn’t allow me to tell anyone about us for the first 14 months in case his daughter found out
      – covered my nose and mouth ‘as a joke’ three times whilst I was simply sat at the table at home. Looking back I can hardly believe I stayed around after that. Horrific.
      – went into a rage at me one night on holiday because I was able to speak to a foreigner in their language more than he could
      – questioned how I got good marks at uni- it was probably because my tutors fancied me
      – told me I ‘didn’t need to wear make up’ and inspected my skin before going out with his friends
      – constantly corrected how I said certain words/ sounds
      – took my phone off me to make a phone call during a meal. Left the restaurant for 10 minutes and was no doubt going through it all
      – wanting to know the pin on my phone yet changing it on his
      – when I went to sleep in the 2nd bedroom during an argument, he would follow me in there, put the light on and demand- and I mean demand- that I went and got in the same bed as him.
      – not letting me speak until he finished and telling me to be quiet whenever I wanted to give my opinion.
      – telling me my memory is going and I make things up.

      These examples are really just the tip of the iceberg. There are lots more. It’s been really helpful to get them written down. It’s also a reminder that leaving was the best thing I could have done.
      I have almost forgotten what it must feel like to be in a loving, respectful relationship.

    • #53267
      IrisAtwood
      Participant

      Hi Shaz,
      I had forgotten some of the things that my ex did until I read your post. Its terrifying that these men behave in such similar ways.
      The reason that I originally wrote my list was to remind myself of how bad it was because there are times that I still miss him!

    • #53297
      Shaz
      Participant

      Hi Iris
      I found it very cathartic. I would still be sat here typing them out if I had listed everything. Funny how I’ve clearly blocked some of these from my mind until I started typing.
      I don’t miss him at all. Not a bit. Frightening I suppose how little positive emotion there is left.

    • #53302
      IrisAtwood
      Participant

      I also still add to my list as I remember things. I’m really pleased that you don’t miss him or have any positive feelings for him. That is what I aiming at but its still early days.

    • #53304
      ConfusedAgain
      Participant

      Mine told me

      Im a monster, no one could ever love me
      That my parents dont care about me
      That I deserved to be abused by my ex
      That im lazy as the house was never up to standard no matter what I did.
      That I have mental issues,
      Called me s**t w***e and fat ugly s**t, I weigh 10st.
      If I cried he would just ignore me and start singing or tell me I was ugly as I was crying.
      Blackmailed me with providing things.

      You know its helping to write this down you dont realise how much things you minimise untill you r it down. Thanks for starting this post x*x

    • #53306
      ConfusedAgain
      Participant

      Oh also apparently I go to counselling because I’m a weak person.

Viewing 32 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content