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    • #79810
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Is there ever one?

      What excuses are used as a ‘cover’ or excuse,for ause.

      Im sure youve all had loads, just sharing some ive heard used as excuses for abuses, i think it helps with realising the real problem is his abusive behaviour.

      So, a top one on my list is

      Alcohol! Think probably for many others too, tha it happened because they were drinking (or can deny responsibility because they were drunk and didnt know what they were doing….promises to stop etc) – many who.drink just get funny and talk/sing/dance too much/badly!

      Drugs, ditto

      Their mental health, they are depressed/suicidal/anxious/any other psycological or psychiatric disorder, used to ‘explain away’ and avoid responsibility forther abuse. Equally usedas emotional blackmail to shut you down. When in fact may suffer depession/suicidal thoughts/anxiety/psychological and personality disorders and are not abusive, all red herrings and separate to abuse.

      Your mental health, as in, its you, you’re mad, you cant remember properly, you forget, your depression makes me angry, etc. You make things up that dont happen. You see things wrong, its your insecurities etc.

      Your family/friends, dont like him, makes him angry.

      Your disability, as in, you’re difficult and
      demanding…hes a saint to ‘care’ for you and no one else would love you like he does.

      Anger – some.kind of red mist descends and hes ot of control (i.e. not his fault, again!). When in fact hes more in control than ever, certanly could teach Anger Management classes! His anger is manufactured to the correct degree to ensure control is regained. Its only when you are not under his control that he needs to employ his anger skills to intimidate you back into submission.

      What others have you exprienced or heard of?

    • #79815
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      His childhood.
      He experienced violence between his parents, screams, physical, lies and manipulations.
      I felt sorry for him, after each abusive explosive episode, he apologised and blamed it on his childhood, I forgave him every time and even comforted him trying to make him feel better. Poor him 🙄
      Now I know it isn’t true of course, his brother lived in the same household and wouldn’t hurt a fly.

    • #79816
      KIP.
      Participant

      Stressful job.
      I pushed his buttons.
      I knew he’d been drinking.
      Not enough sex! Yep. That was one of his excuses for his rages.
      Mind blowing dysfunction.
      At the end of the day it’s good to remember it was never about anything other than him trying to pick us apart and destroy us into some sort of broken thing he could abuse. The excuses they come up with are laughable now I know how the game is played but when you’re in the midst it’s confusing destructive behaviour.

    • #79822
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Sex is a common one too i think! Like if he dest get enough it causes rage! No, his ‘entitled’ thinking does that.

      He must have sex or his balls will simply explode!!!

      Making his sex our responsibility, ergghh!

      Yes yes, the emotional blackmail of poor him!

      It is horrendous to have grown up with abuse, but the irony of doing the same and blaming them!

      Always everyone elses fault, and playing on others kindness an empathy to ‘get away with it’.

    • #79824
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Its good to hear these things for what they are instead of what they want them to seem.

    • #79853
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      If we listened they wouldn’t have to shout so loud

    • #79854
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      “You like this” – when he was hitting himself and I was trying to get him to stop or when he strangled me/yanked my hair. Usually followed up with a “it’s your fault for doing/not doing x,y,z”.

    • #79863
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      My oh used my family to abuse me, my dogs, sex, what I cooked, my memory, his job, not answering my phone quickly enough,not calling him, going out, not going out, how I looked, (not wearing any makeup) what I wore(he never said what I could or couldn’t wear, it was more saying I thought I was younger than I was, wearing what I was, what other people wrote on FB, saying he didn’t want it coming up on his page, (So I unfriended him), how I drove, how I bought needless stuff for the house or myself, how I never bought him anything, (he moaned or didn’t like EVERYTHING anyone or I did get him)
      I could go on and on but it’s boring me now, I’m so done with what he did, I no longer care but do need reminded of how pathetic AND frightening it was at times.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #79866
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Thanks for this topic @TS, I too have noticed how sex is such a huge issue with these men. Mine would always say he’d need a wheelbarrow or if I didn’t want it, to do something else for him instead…. he used to go on about fantasies, I’m so glad I never told him any(to be honest he was my fantasy, I didn’t need to think of anyone else) he’d go on about 3somes, but always 2 women and him, to appease him I let him believe it would be something I’d like, it wasn’t and isn’t but it made him happy(where was the harm??) I got that for years and he’d also suggest when I was going out to work that that’s what I’d be getting up to with my clients…. then it changed to, I’m not stopping you going out, what I don’t know won’t hurt me or I don’t care what you get up to, you can s..g anyone you like, maybe that’s what your needing, anither guys d..k ….
      💕💕

    • #79867
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear IWMB

      Yes that entitled attitude towards sex and that women exist as a sex object for them to get relief taking no responsibility for their own, often depraved, sexual appetites.

      Like you say, it was him you desired sexually, to be intimate with, not other women (or other men).

      “What you dont know wont hurt you” what a damaging phrase and how wrong-thinking it is.

      Its just more control.

      ‘Having a high sex drive’ or a ‘male sex drive’ definitely used as an excuse to abuse.

    • #79869
      [email protected]
      Participant

      I was constantly told dont you dare get fat or I will leave. I was expected to look a certain way but god help anyone who even looked at me when we went out. After having babies we naturally lay down a little extra weight. I was laughed at, called names, he would get angry because he didn’t fancy me anymore anyone over a size ten wasnt sexual attractive. Then the old one as above I hot I’ll – that angered him – who would want someone’s who’s in pain and can’t go bungee jumping and tight rope walking like other gymnastic women lol xxxx it’s so ludicrous when you write it all down isn’t it xxxx love diymum

    • #79870
      [email protected]
      Participant

      Got ill sorry xx

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