Exhaused with it all – ** months out and still pushing back from control

[Pheonix24]

I’m (number removed by Moderator) months out of the abusiverelationship.  the finale ended with him forcing me into a car while he was drunk and erratically driving refusing to let me out.  (legal detail removed by Moderator).  I feel so low today and worried the rest of my sons childhood with be dominated by pusing back against my ex as hes still trying to find ways to control me .

Hes parading around like hes done nothing wrong, we are no contact due to his bail conditions (legal detail removed by Moderator) – My in laws have all be taken in by his smear campaign.  I have retreated from life, things I used to enjoy and am just trying to keep myself low key and under the redar as done want the negativity.  I’m just tired, worried about the future and wonder what others experience of feeling so helpless.

Ive started divorce proceeding, and during the past (number removed by Moderator) months have stopped doing food shops in my normal place to avoid running into him and now bank statements that I will ahve to produce will show my routine, where I go and times.  I feel sick about it as all the (number removed by Moderator) months hard work of trying to find ways to function away from him will become undone. Ive only the psat 2 weeks started sleeping and feel some kind of safe in my own home.

Any advice ?

 

[Justaspark]

Hi Pheonix24,

you are doing far better than I was (number removed by Moderator) months out. I am still married to my abusive partner after years apart.

I have some experience with my partner learning my routines and even tracking my phone to find out where I was going and what I was doing. He would turn up at (location removed by Moderator) I attended and wait till I left to harass me. He would turn up at supermarkets I used. I would even look for routes to places where there was no vehicle access in some places so he could not pull up in his car or follow me in his car. I did have a restraining order (legal detail removed by Moderator).

You need to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Have you thought about withdrawing cash to pay for shopping? That way, it won’t come up on your statements. I pay for some services in cash so if I have to produce my statements, he won’t be able to learn my habits and routines. I do this particularly with my therapist appointments. I pay in cash because I don’t want him to turn up at the office and make it an unsafe space for me. I use different supermarkets in different parts of my town, on different days and times so he can’t predict where I will be. You could also try online shopping. I don’t because I need to give myself a reason to leave my house for my mental health. I also changed my Apple ID password as he was using it to login into my emails, apps and texts as well as tracking my location. This drastically reduced the number of encounters I had with my abusive husband. At one point, I would even use different taxi companies and would never give my name or address because he had friends who could access some of these details. I would always give the street next to mine for the drop off and walk the few feet to my street.

When he has not been able to get to me, mine has been using his family members and friends to harass me and when even that hasn’t worked, he’s been harassing my family. I also have children with him but I have been no contact because of his behaviour. The children are old enough to express their views and do not want anything to do with him as they’ve been unfortunate enough to witness his behaviour.

If you are getting harassed in public, or even at home, I would start making a log of incidents so you can report it to the police. You should be able to move around freely without feeling afraid that he may turn up and cause a scene. If he does start turning up in places you are, a pattern will start emerging which will show that he maybe stalking you. You can also take out a restraining order.

Those first few months are very hard, but you are already taking precautions to protect yourself. I hope this reply has helped you. You have shown so much courage and bravery in taking back control of your life. Some days may seem bleak and a struggle but I promise it will get better.

Take care

justaspark

[Pheonix24]

Thankyou <span style=”font-family: ‘Open Sans’;”>justaspark. 🙂 </span>

The cash withdrawals idea would defo help keep my routine private while going through the divorce.  I will defo being doing that going forward.

I have changed all my passwords, email and ID’s.  I have security cameras and had an aweful feeling that he could portenially have access to them during the begining of the break away and reset everything as a new set up and ID’s.  The paranoia is real and I dont know if i’m ‘over paranoid’ or if i’m doing enough to keep myself safe.

At the moment my ex seems to be ‘on his best behaviour’. I’m fearful for when he can no longer keep up with this ‘show’.  Its like a time bomb waiting to go off.  Do you ever stop looking over your shoulder anticipating if today is the day when his mask slips again.

[Justaspark]

Hi Pheonix24,

you are not being paranoid. You know this person better than anyone else and you know what he is capable of. It’s ok to take precautions especially in the early days, if it makes you feel safe. I did use to look over my should a lot but it is now less often. I can now go weeks without worrying about him. You will too. It takes a lot to switch off our hypervigilance and patterns of behaviour that kept us safe in an abusive relationship are still needed to make us feel safe. Eventually, when you feel safer, you will start discarding them slowly. It won’t happen overnight and it is  a slow process. Also you are being rightfully cautious as I have read that it can take 2 years or more for abusers to lose interest and move on. You are going through a divorce which will also add to everything you are going through. But you will start feeling safer. Maybe not today or tomorrow but you will one day realise that you have managed to go a day without worrying about him, then days will turn into weeks.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing remarkably well. Do things that will help you relax, to give you some respite. Treat yourself and start building a new normal for yourself. I know it’s difficult right now but try to do 1 thing for yourself each day that is all about you and no one else. It could be as simple as having ice cream or reading a book. It could be doing something extra in your skincare routine. Anything that is being kind to yourself.

stay safe x

 

[WeKeepGoing]

Hi Phoenix24,

I feel so similar to you. I’m glad you posted to share your experience. Knowing someone is going through something similar makes me feel a little stronger and less alone.

I’m totally with you on feeling exhausted. It has been months since I separated from my partner but he is still exerting so much control over my life. He uses every avenue possible – the house, the car, the finances, our daughter – all the while making it sound as though he is being totally reasonable and I am the one “making up lies” about him. He has turned his family and even some of our neighbours against me in my absence (I had to move back in with my parents, due to his behaviour). Barely a day goes by when he doesn’t contact me via text or email with a list of demands or suggestions of “what I need to do”. It feels endless.

I have finally reported him to the police, which is helping me a little, but while they investigate I am still so exhausted all the time and constantly consumed by anxiety. I can’t eat, sleep, or work properly. I can’t enjoy things that previously gave me pleasure, like spending time with friends or doing hobbies. I’m slipping back into old coping habits of ignoring people or avoiding things. He is always on my mind, and I am constantly worrying about what he might do, say, or demand next. I feel that I cannot even return home (e.g., to collect one of my possessions) without feeling unsafe. If I need something now from my own home, I send my parents. I’m also worried about going to places where I might run into him, like supermarkets I used to shop in all the time. My Mum and Dad do the shopping for me now.

I have to hope that things will get better, and I think they will. But at the moment, I’m just so tired.

[Author]

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