Exhausted

[Cantmakedecisons]

I have had to change my email five times now, each time he has found out my new email and password? I don’t know how his doing it.

It’s making it increasingly hard to communicate with anyone that I need help from.

I do mainly delete very email I receive or send, so I hope that nothing has been read about police, DV helper.

It’s getting so intense and tiring that I’m in half minds to just cut contact altogether because at least then I’m not stressing about him finding out stuff.

I’m really hoping that lockdown is lifted even in a small way so I can’t maybe see people face to face. It’s been so bad in lockdown with him assaulting me, being arrested then bailed. I’m just not sure how much I can take.

[KIP.]

Keep reporting every incident to the police. Including hacking your emails. That’s an offence too. His bail conditions should prevent contact so if he’s contacting you he’s breaching them. Every time he pushed the boundaries I pushed them back until his arrest and conviction. Yes it’s exhausting and he’s counting on you backing down x

[Cantmakedecisons]

Sorry I should have explained.. his bail conditions were dropped because I refused to support a prosecution or give a statement. So he was allowed home after a few weeks.

I know I’m weak by not following through with it all but with the offences that have happened he would go to prison and I can’t contemplate that with the children – they adore him!

So now I’m stuck in limbo and he feels untouchable.
I’ll have to leave but when and how I’m not sure yet.

[Iwantmeback]

Hey there, you’re not weak, far from it. It takes a lot of courage to stay in An abusive relationship. Think of a soldier being in a warzone, he is suffering from PTSD but continues to stay in the warzone, that’s not healthy and his superiors have a duty of care to him. You’re getting closer to leaving. You’ve just not reached your enough is enough moment.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Cantmakedecisons]

I’m just worried that my “enough is enough” will never happen I suppose..

What is it going to take for me to get to that point?

His hit me, kicked me, slapped, pushed, punched, forced himself on me, humiliated and belittled me for so long now that I don’t feel justified on doing something about it after so long!

I know things have escalated during Covid lockdown and me calling the police for the first time in (detail removed by moderator) was a massive step but also the scariest and most stressful time.

[Iwantmeback]

I never thought I’d reach mine either. I’d been reading so many ladies stories who’d left, thought I’d never be able to do it, felt even more pathetic and useless cos I didn’t have their courage, and then one day realised the merry go round would only stop if I got off. So I made a boundary known, and he tried every which way to push it back, to cross it,but I was adamant. The more I stuck to my guns, the more he lost his control over me. I contacted WA again, and within a month I was in my wee flat. When it finally sank in that I was as important as the mums and children leaving, that’s when I allowed myself to accept I was as important. Everybody’s moment is their moment, it could be a huge thing or a culmination of moments,but you will recognise it,I promise.
💞💞

[Cantmakedecisons]

IWMB – thank you x

[Escapee]

Your moment will come…..it sounds like you’re heading there. You have to be ready, it’s for noone else to judge you on.

Relating to your email issue, I’m not very tech savvy but could he have installed spyware on your systems? Also be careful of things like allowing systems to remember passwords and app location access.

Do you use the incognito browser? Also remember to delete your browser history.

Sending you a virtual hug x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi
He has most probably installed spyware on your device, which can detect key strokes so no matter how many times you’ll create a new email account, the software will record everything you’re typing. Spyware can be installed remotely on your device and some even allow the stalker to take remote control of your device.

Best to install anti-malware and clean up your device. There are free versions or paid ones. Pls see below a selection of both.
For more information on their features go to techradar com as its too detailed to put it all on here.

Best free anti-malware protection-at a glance

Bitdefender Antivirus Free Edition
Avira Free Security Suite
AVG AntiVirus Free
SpyBot Search & Destroy
Emsisoft Emergency Kit

Best paid-for malware removal software-at a glance

Malwarebytes Anti-Malware
Avast anti-virus
Kaspersky
Panda
F-Secure

Hope this helps you get rid of this problem.

[Cantmakedecisons]

I’ve had to go out for a drive.. things are fraught.

I’ve pulled up to write this because in all honesty I’m losing the plot. I know what I’m going home too and part of me just wants to keep driving far away, but my kids are at home so I don’t have a choice right now.

I’m ashamed to say Ive got myself in a state and I’m having dark thoughts to be “out” of this situation creep into my mind.

My kids are the one thing that’s keeping me going, but I’m sad that I’ve let them down too.

I’m sorry to sound so miserable but sometimes I just need to say how it is.. and today is one of those days.

[HunkyDory]

Hi hun please call women’s aid or the Samaritans right now and just talk to someone. They won’t be judgemental at all but you do need to speak to someone. just talk x

I hope you get to your enough moment soon. If things are escalating please consider involving the police. He sound very violent.

Sending a big hug 🤗 💖 xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

I can’t talk to them now, he’s here.

I will consider calling tomorrow if I get the space to do so. I just need to offload I think – feels like it’s all getting too much.

[HopeLifeJoy]

You need a break. Pls keep on breathing and don’t take any harmful dangerous decisions. I understand that feeling of just wanting to go as far away as possible. Honey, reach out to support again, not by email until you’ve cleaned up your device, call instead or use someone elses PC.
Take in a deep breath, hold up your head high, you are going to get through this.
Also pls schedule a break for yourself and kids asap, why not take them for a very long drive somewhere in the nature tomorrow morning first thing? Cut the routine, sometimes it helps to reenergise yourself and tackle your next steps.
Sending you lots of strength and love 💪💕
Keep posting

[Cantmakedecisons]

Hopelifejoy – I’ll try.

Im just so tired.

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’m so sorry, it is difficult but it will get better okay. Can you ask someone to move in with you? So you can rest a little bit.

[Cantmakedecisons]

I haven’t told anyone what’s happening.. and everyones social distancing.

I Left last Saturday for one night after a hideous situation, the kids and he were texting continuously asking me to come back, so I did (like I always do)

I just wish I could be or feel stronger. For a long time I’ve hoped but I’ve run out of hope, energy, belief or any other feeling.. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. So fed up with hurting all the time.

[Lisa]

Good evening Cantmakedecisions,

I just wanted to offer you some support tonight, I’m sorry to hear that things are feeling overwhelming at the moment.

It’s really important to try and remember that what you are going through is not your fault in any way and you’re not letting anyone down. Support is available and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Do you think you’ll have a chance to speak to a support worker from Women’s Aid this week? You could get in touch with your local service, or you could use our live chat service if there is a safe time to do so. You can call the Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123.

It sounds like a good idea to look into some anti-malware software for your devices, and you can read our guide for covering your tracks online here.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you’re getting on.

Lisa

[Cantmakedecisons]

I’ll try tomorrow.x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, it’s awful that the person we loved treats us so badly that we feel the only way out is where our dark thoughts take us. I too felt like that, tried to a few times then it dawned on me it was the situation I wanted to end not my life. Plus the thought of hurting my children, even though they’re older now and my family stopped me going too far. It’s a horrible horrible situation to be in but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Author]

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