Exhausted

[Tryingtofindhope]

Hello all. I hope everyone is doing ok.
Im feeling so mentally exhausted. Since the realisation that Ive been in an abusive marriage for over half of my life, i feel like Ive been going back and forth questionning myself. Am I overreacting? Am I ungrateful? To then feeling ashamed that Ive put myself and my children through all these years of being treated badly. Until now i have mostly gone about my days feeling numb to the situation. I guess this is a coping mechanism and my way of getting through each day. But now I have such an awareness of what has happened that it is becomming all consuming. I am questionning everything that he says or does and looking for an alteria motive. But what if he is being genuine and Im just assuming the wosrt?
He wants us to relocate. He is onbsessed by this move as he thinks it will give us and our children a better future. He thinks its the answer to all our problems. I have told him that i dont want to move until we have sorted out our issues. But he is so focussed on not losing money on our house that hes just not listening. Im terrified that this is the next stage in his control. I will be isolated from everything. He promises that i can come back and visit friends and family, but i truely believe he will make it very difficult for me.
Ive been pushing him to try and have a discussion and talk to him about what he has put me through. I have told him ive needed support and have reached out to other women. His response was that if he reached out to a men focussed organisation, they too would be biased and would basically side with him. Somewhere deep down there is a voice screaming at me that this is untrue and his behaviour is unacceptable, but theres also a voice that is doubting me, making me feel like a fraud. Im so tired….

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful angel… tryingtofindhope,
I fully understand how with all these thought you are exhausted, but I think what you are experiencing is an awakening and a realisation that something needs to change.
It can be overwhelming so try to break it down a little as dealing with it all at once will be to much and you will shut down again. After years of being numb it can be quite scary to start to feel anything again. But if you feel the pain, you will start to feel the joy of life to.
You say about you moving, this is a massive red flag for me… isolation is a classic thing an abuser likes to do and once you go down this route it is very easy for you to lose complete control and for them to gain it all.
I would recommend thinking about your own options for leaving, and for now keep them to yourself rather than sharing them with him, he will only give you doubts. Get clear in your head what needs to be done.
I think deep down you know this situation has to change and that voice you hear screaming at you is right… start to tune into her a bit more and ask her what she wants and needs. She’s the best part of you asking for help.
Remember you are not alone and there is always support for you on this forum
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

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