Exit Plan

[positivelyempath]

Hoping someone can help…my husband has moved out for two weeks but now due back in a week and I needed this time to get a plan together…I’ve found a place that I can hopefully rent in a few weeks but I’m wondering if I try to get him to stay away another week by making it sound like it could help us work things out and then just move a load of stuff from our house while he is at work one day and move into the new place and literally tell him when I’ve gone? Or if he won’t stay out the house another week (which is likely) should I just go anyway but not take any furniture and just take the hit on my credit card to buy new stuff….part of me feels like I want him to pay for my deposit and my furniture/rent as it’s him thats got me in this mess and I don’t have savings, so was thinking of threatening him to give me money and let me go quietly or I’ll get the police involved? I’ve already told the police what he’s done and they said they could bring him in for questioning but i said no at the time…

Also what happens about my daughter as he would just take her from nursery and I wouldn’t have any more rights than him until I went to court would I?

It’s so scary…..

Any help much appreciated

Thanks

(name removed by moderator)

[Hetty]

If you’re worried about your daughter’s safety then you do have rights. You are exercising your parental tights to safeguard your child. If you speak to her nursery once you’ve left and tell them the situation they should agree not let him take her as this is a safeguarding matter. I had this issue with my child. While school said they can’t technically stop him unless there’s a court order they did say they wouldn’t let him go with his dad and would call me immediately so I could attend and sort it out. I told my child’s dad the situation and said I’d call the police immediately if he turned up. Most of these men will not want to make fools of themselves. Their egos are too big. It’s important your child’s nursery is completely in the picture.
If you can keep him out of the house that’s great but he might start to get suspicious. Get as much out as I’m you can now and get it somewhere safe. Anything he might not notice and most importantly your sentimental things, small valuable items and your important documents.
If he works far enough away could you get a removal company when he’s at work?

[positivelyempath]

Hetty, thanks so much for your reply. That’s good to know re the school co operating with you. I will perhaps tell the nursery as soon as I’ve gone. I was thinking maybe getting removals while he is at work but he only works about 15 min away and also has security cameras all round the house that he can access from his phone so would see! (I know!!) I could always put something over them?! But I could perhaps get a friend to sit outside his work and alert me if he leaves while the removals are here? I don’t actually want to take much only one sofa and my daughters bed and stuff really and few bits of mine – maybe a couple suitcases but could fit them in my car. I feel really sick thinking about it and wonder if I should just tell him….just not sure what best approach is. How did you escape?

[fizzylem]

Hi PE, you sound really stressed; I really don’t think threatening him for money is the way to go, this could be used against you later, it’s coecive control, playing him at his own game. Couple of rules I made and often referred to were safety first and let your integrity guide you, and so far both have served me well.

Could you get your stuff out this week and stay with a friend until you get the keys for your new place? Sometimes removal firms can offer storage, you’re not the first person to have a gap inbetween when you need to be out and when your new place is ready, this happens sometimes for all sorts of reasons, which is why these removal firms offer short and long term storage, maybe this would be the lowest cost as well?

If you have no friends or family able to offer you a bed for a week or two then have you thought about some digs through airbnb or alike?

I would suggest calling the helpline to discuss things so you can get help with the finer details of your plan x

[Hetty]

I haven’t left yet. I’m making plans. The contact issues I had were regarding my child’s dad. My current husband and I have no children together. I jumped out of the frying pan into the fire!
I am in the same situation as you. We also have security cameras on our house and my husband works very close by. He sometimes works away or has the odd night away with his kids. I’m in the process of figuring things out with DA organisation. I’ve made a housing application and so I’m still in the process of making my plans.
Is there any chance you could go this week and stay with a friend or family member? Storage would be a cheap solution.
If you tell him you risk things escalating. In an ideal world we would be able to sit down with these men and have an adult conversation about separating. As we know these men are not capable or we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
Get as much out as you can now do when the move day comes there isn’t so much to move or risk forgetting. I’ve already got my important documents out. I’ve gone through all my son’s things so I know what we need to take and stuff he isn’t interested in anymore I have taken to the charity shop. I’ve taken all my sentimental stuff out too and stored with family – photos, pictures my child has drawn etc. Do something small every day to get you closer to your end goal. It’ll help you feel in control and focused. I also took photos of all out important documents- mortgage statements, insurances, wills etc and emailed them to my work account so I have this info when I need them re future house sale.
Perhaps the police could be in attendance when you move your things out? I guess he could argue you’re taking his stuff and then you’d have to prove the stuff is yours. Just a thought, might be worth exploring.

[positivelyempath]

Thanks Hetty, trouble is my husband is like sleeping with the enemy he notices anything out of place or moved so no way I could take stuff before I go…so hard! I wish I could! I might just have to bide my time and go one day when I know he isn’t home for a few hours and get a removal van and just loads some stuff up…not sure…I’ve just left a message for womens aid so will find out what they suggest. I know its crazy but part of me feels like I just want to sit and have a conversation with him and tell him…he’s not been violent for two years physically so wondering if I should?

[Hetty]

I can really hear how you want to sit him down and do this. It’s truly awful to make these plans behind their backs. I feel like a fraud and like others described I experience the FOG. If you do sit him down you run the risk of violence and/or not getting a single thing out of the house. You have to put yourself first. What do you hope to achieve?
My husband is also like sleeping with the enemy. I totally get where you’re coming from. I took stuff he’d never notice like my personal photos I had under our bed and things of my sons. He never goes in there. I also told him I was having a clear out and so I got stuff out that he thought I was taking to the charity shop. Be creative but of course you know best, don’t put yourself at any risk.

[Hetty]

If you can’t get stuff out try and get things into one place. Into boxes. I’ve got a box under my bed he thinks is from me from de cluttering and tidying but I have jewellery in there, my spare car keys etc, that way it’s one box to pick up and I’m not frantically scrapping around when it’s time for me to leave.
You know what it best and what is safe to do. I don’t want to suggest things that may put you at risk. I know it’s so hard doing this. To kind and loving partners it feels so wrong. Remember you’re the one having to go and start again with your child.

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