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Hi PalomaW,
I can see you’re asking for others to share their experiences here, but I thought if I share a bit of information on this area of mental ill-health and domestic abuse you might find that to be useful in thinking about your situation.
While borderline personality disorder is a serious mental health condition, it doesn’t cause abuse. It’s really common for women to wonder about whether their partner’s abusive behaviour is because of other factors like mental health or addiction. It’s normal to want to try and make sense of the abuse. However, abuse is a choice someone makes and is about having power and control over their partner.
Abuse can certainly come from someone who has a mental health condition but your partner has a responsibility to manage his condition and get appropriate support. It’s important that he is accountable for his abusive behaviour. His personality disorder is not an excuse for how he treats you, there are lots of people who have borderline personality disorder who do not abuse their partners.
You may find it helpful to try and separate the abusive behaviours from his mental health and to think about whether there are ways that he only treats you or if he’s treating everyone the same way across all situations. For example, if it’s just with you that he’s name-calling, that would indicate it’s something he has control over and is choosing to do to you.
I know that other women on here have experience of wrestling with these kinds of questions themselves, even if not necessarily about borderline personality disorder specifically. You’re absolutely not alone in what you’re wondering and it can be a really difficult area to consider about someone you care for. Do keep reaching out.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
Hello PalomaW
I am sorry you are being name-called and experiencing this cycle of separations andbreakdowns with your partner.
Its a horrible rough ride and will be harming you on a daily basis.
Noone has to put up with abuse, but unfortunately, there will be virtually nothing to you can do stop it, which has been proven time and again by women who do try to get through the abuse hoping it will stop and his words/promises will come true.
Name-calling you is abuse, but many will put their abusive behaviours behind a veneer of mental health failings, or alcohol, drugs and many other ‘excuses’ for their appalling behaviour in scaring women and their children.
You might also be hoping that perhaps there is something to ‘blame’ this on, that you can help him to manage and therefore the abuse could stop. Its often easier to believe that its because of the ‘drugs’, or his formewr experiences growing up, etc.
Many women who have abusers for partners are put in an awful position of being guilted into feeling sorry for someone who is ‘suffering’ instead of directing those same sympathetic and empathic feelings for themselves. So, sadly, all your energy goes into ‘helping’ him rather than acknowledging the pain and harm he is causing you and helping yourself instead.
At the end of the day, he is the only one that can help himself.
Noone should be feeling fear in their relationship, noone.
Look after yourself first. He needs external; professional help, and he has to want that, there is nothing you can do to improve his life, but thee is much you and he can do to improve yours.
warmest wishes
ts
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